Thursday, July 27, 2006

Meggie and the former Yugoslavia!

Me and Rachel in Sarajevo, in front of a lovely fountain. The park behind us became Muslim burrial grounds because there were few safe places to bury the dead durring the war. In front of us there is memorialized shell damage on the sidewalk.
At the cemetary in Sarajevo the Muslims, the Orthodox, and even a small patch of Protestant are burried together. This is the place where the the Muslim and the Christian graves come together. This is a huge cemetary and all the gravestones you can see show lives that ended between 1990 and 1996
These are my little feetsies in a river that goes under the old bridge in Mostar, Bosnia. This bridge was destroyed durring the war but rebuilt.
This is the bridge upon which Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand and his wife were assassinated, thus beginning the first world war. In the back ground is an example of the way Sarajevo is a beautiful and tragic desplay of Austro-Hungarian, Communist, and Ottoman (but not shown here) archeticture which has been damaged or destroyed, rebuilt, lived in, died in, but surviving several awful wars.

More later from Dubrovnik and other places along my crazy journey!! Posted by Picasa

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Ohhh vacation

It's 6:31am in Sofia, Bulgaria. My mother and I are packing up our bags and getting ready to head to the Central Bus Station. From here we will travel to Niche, Serbia. At 9pm we will leave Niche and head to Sarajevo, Bosnia. I am beyond excited to see this city recently ravaged by a war I know little about. A college friend who now lives in the city will pick us up at the bus station at 7am tomorrow, when we are scheduled to arrive. On Saturday we will head to Dubrovnik, Croatia and return to Sarajevo on Monday evening. Again, excited is not a strong enough word to express my feelings about seeing this city rich with history and culture. I hope to visit some of the islands there, and enjoy the beauty of the Adriatic Sea.

Pictures to follow...

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

ahh summer

Hoorah for summer! I love it. It's simply georgeous! I slept in a bit, went to a colleagues for coffee and cherries. The most pressing thing on my schedule today is to cheer on France at ten pm with some friends. This time last year however, well... нищо общо nothing in common.

Things I love about my life right now:
I love my girlfriends! I love that, while last year I had people to support me, and would not trade that friendship for the world, they have all evolved and changed and now I have some amazing new friendships.

I love my colleagues! I love that I can count on my counterpart, best bulgofriend, colleague, and comraid in Razlogshki foreignness to help me, have fun with me, try new and silly things with me, cry with me, be excited for me, support me, and vice versa!! And I am so happy that after a year, I have finally been invited to a colleague's house, other than Yulia's (my CP) for na gosti!

I love new friends! I'll tell you three stories about new friends:
1) One Saturday night, Meggi went out in BigCity with her girlfriends and made a new friend. Another Saturday night she went out with newfriend in BigCity and met his old friends. Now Meggi has more friends!
2) One time Meggi went to a little town to be a "good PCV" and help the new teachers. She made five new friends there. Later she went to a very nice conference and met more new teachers. Later, when the new teachers promised to be good and faithful Peace Corps Volunteers, Meggi went out with some new teachers and some old teachers and some older teachers who had fulfilled their promises and were going home. She got stuck in a hail storm. She got so very wet in the rain that she had to wring out her skirt. She also had bruises on her little arms from the big mean hail stones. But it was a very fun night and a very exciting way to spend one's first or last night as a Peace Corps Volunteer.
3) One time Meggi went to BigCity to see an older teacher who was leaving Peace Corps. She hung out with the PCV who lives in BigCity and a Brit who leaves in a nearby village. She also hung out with newfriend. They all had a lot of fun together and even though older teacher is gone to more beautiful and peaceful places, Meggi is happy for her. It's okay because they got stranded in the hail together a few days later with out even planning to see each other! Now the village Brit is Meggi's new friend too!

I love cherry season!

I love my mom who will be here in 8 days!

I love watching soccer! er, football! er, european football!

I love wearing skirts and not being cold!

I love warm breezes!

I love that I used the system and the system worked for once! (thanks boss)

I love bacon and friend balls of mashed potatoes at the "Irish Pub" even though there's nothing Irish about the pub and the bacon is just thin strips of ham. It's still tasty!

Kay, that's all for today...

Monday, June 26, 2006

Nicole gets her Urban cowboy

Nicole gets her Urban cowboy

"Kidman has said she and Urban will set up home in Nashville when they return to the United States.

"'I've moved to Tennessee for my personal life,' she said last week. 'It's nice.'"



Maybe I'm a total sell out, but I'm excited about this new addition to the Nashville community. I don't know how Nashville thinks about it however. Perhaps because I think she's an amazing actress with her classic style. Perhaps it's because she has done two pieces with Baz Luhrmann (Moulin Rouge! and the Chanel perfume ad). Perhaps because she seems to be an actress who picks films that please her, not for the numbers (like Dogville). Or perhaps because she's just so dern pretty! **Note to all Kidman/Luhrmann fans, according to IMDb.com, the two are supposed to work on a film costarring Hugh Jackman! Production is supposed to start in Febuary of '07.

But, I'm not all promoting that yucky girl Paris Hilton's video. Sorry Lucia, but I don't see the beauty in that clip. I will say it's cool that she's got sand on her face. It's just too cliche, the whole beach scene thing. Then she tries to dance? Gimme a break! It reminds me of the JLo clip for "Control Myself" where she jumps up on whats-his-name in a not sexy way. And WHAT is that white thing she's wearing (paris, not JLo)? uck! Okay, I'm about to start criticizing Madonna's new clip, so I feel pretty confident I'm not a sell out.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

A Glossary of Southern Accents

A Glossary of Southern Accents

In my love of dialects, when I happened upon this site (thanks Carin) I just HAD to post it. The author makes the very good point that speaking in a dialect does not indicate ignorance of standard rules of grammar, but an adherance to an extra set. So in a way, we dialectual speakers are dually linguistically talented!

Cheers to dialects, banski, razlogshki, southern, northern, great lakes, whatevs!

Friday, June 23, 2006

Cheers to Personal Evolution!


I had the very great pleasure of organizing a girls' weekend recently. I love these weekends for many reasons including but not limited to: an excuse to pamper myself a bit, the fabulous company of friends, the opportunity to make new friends, good times at the disco, a nice hotel bed for not too many leva. So, my favorite of those reasons is either the disco or the new friends. I invited every woman in my group of B17s (some 20+ ladies). There were 11 of us in Blagoevgrad. I love these chances to break up from our comfortable groups (not cliques, we're not that bad) and make some new relationships.

I made a special effort to invite one person because I don't really know her and because I (with some help) recently made her feel very uncomfortable and I felt bad. Am I glad she came! We had fun and I got the chance to see a person without the shading of previous ideas.

One thing about Peace Corps is that stagnancy is not very prominent. People come and go constantly. We make friends from our group, groups before us, groups after us. They go home and leave us in tears. For some of us our best friendships get torn in two and suddenly our "group" is dissolved. Some of us have groups that have dwindled to nothing. Some people made friendships that either burnt bridges or caused bridges to never get built in the first place. I'm proud of people who step up and make new relationships rather than dwelling in the one of two that are left. I am surely grateful for the evolution of my friendships. Since I've been in PC Bulgaria I have gained and lost friends, but all the while learning and growing. I guess that's what it really is all about.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Special Day!

The daily poem from About.com today is "Ode on a Grecian Urn" by John Keats. I love this poem.

"Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard/ Are sweeter" I love this line. Why are unheard melodies sweeter? Because they are what you want them to be. Your memory of the song, the picture, the event can be better than the reality of it because it is yourse to recreate. That's the beauty of the Romantics.

Thou still unravish'd bride of quietness,
Thou foster-child of silence and slow time,
Sylvan historian, who canst thus express
A flowery tale more sweetly than our rhyme:
What leaf-fring'd legend haunts about thy shape
Of deities or mortals, or of both,
In Tempe or the dales of Arcady?
What men or gods are these? What maidens loth?
What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape?
What pipes and timbrels? What wild ecstasy?


Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard
Are sweeter; therefore, ye soft pipes, play on;
Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear'd,
Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone:
Fair youth, beneath the trees, thou canst not leave
Thy song, nor ever can those trees be bare;
Bold Lover, never, never canst thou kiss,
Though winning near the goal yet, do not grieve;
She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss,
For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!

Ah, happy, happy boughs! that cannot shed
Your leaves, nor ever bid the Spring adieu;
And, happy melodist, unwearied,
For ever piping songs for ever new;
More happy love! more happy, happy love!
For ever warm and still to be enjoy'd,
For ever panting, and for ever young;
All breathing human passion far above,
That leaves a heart high-sorrowful and cloy'd,
A burning forehead, and a parching tongue.

Who are these coming to the sacrifice?
To what green altar, O mysterious priest,
Lead'st thou that heifer lowing at the skies,
And all her silken flanks with garlands drest?
What little town by river or sea shore,
Or mountain-built with peaceful citadel,
Is emptied of this folk, this pious morn?
And, little town, thy streets for evermore
Will silent be; and not a soul to tell
Why thou art desolate, can e'er return.

O Attic shape! Fair attitude! with brede
Of marble men and maidens overwrought,
With forest branches and the trodden weed;
Thou, silent form, dost tease us out of thought
As doth eternity: Cold Pastoral!
When old age shall this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say'st,
"Beauty is truth, truth beauty,--that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."



I also love the last five lines of this poem. It seems the speaker is telling us the beauty of these images will remain regardless of how the problems of the world grow, despite how we change, that beauty is forever ingrained in time. The idea that beauty is in our memory is contrasted with the permanence of beauty. Is beauty in the eye of the beholder? Or is beauty truth? What then is truth? Hmmm lovely questions to help you implode your own head! Ah the beauty of poetry.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

what a cutie!

I just want to remind everyone what an adorible little thing my little sis is! Hey laynie, that first pic with the bunch of you standing in a line at the parthanon? I stand just like that too, like i'm about to fall forward.

I went to the gym for the first time since SEPTEMBER!! That was yesterday. I'm so sore tonight. I'm afraid of how sore I'll be tomorrow!

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Yahoo! Photos - luciachan03's Photos - IMG_0081

Yahoo! Photos - luciachan03's Photos - greasy kiss link to the afore mentioned greasy kiss by a Swiss rugby player.

Yahoo! Photos - luciachan03's Photos - Maegen and Chris Adventures in Sofia

Yahoo! Photos - luciachan03's Photos - Maegen and Chris Adventures in Sofia One time Maegen (who was very sick and tired) met Lucia (who was very sad) in Sofia. To make each other feel better they bought a balloon bunny, named it Chris, and captured their adventures with him on digital eternity. enjoy

A little excursion...

I went on a bit of an excursion with Yulia's class of 5th graders, another 5th grade class, and a class of 6th graders. We visited Rupite, which was were a fortune teller lived and had a church constructed. This is the bell tower which is a seperate building
This is the church at Rupite. The art work at the church is incredibly unique. Normally the front of an orthodox church has icons of the 12 disciples- of their bust only. This church had 6 huge icons in front, two of which were women. I bought a postcard of the inside (since you can't take pics), so maybe I'll scan that and post it someday.

There are hot spring pools at Rupite as well. It is posted that the tempurature is 75 degrees Celsius. It felt pretty warm, but I don't know if it was 75C. It was pretty neat looking as the wind blew the steam across the grass. Posted by Picasa

Learning to teach is FUN!

This is me, Lucia, and Jessie at the USAID training event we went to in Sofia. I had the chance to get to know Jessie and we had an extra good time! Plus the good food didn't hurt!
At this very good training event, I had the chance to catch up with my pal Lincoln. He had the pleasure of watching the girls play a rowdy game of phase 10, as well as a snooze on my 4 star hotel room floor.
This is my favorite pic! We were at an rugby afterparty in Sofia. One guy from the swiss team came over and gave me a leg of some animal. I think Lucia has a pic of the greasy kiss I received along with the leg. (note *When I didn't eat the leg he took it back. jerky) Posted by Picasa

Saturday, May 27, 2006

BLACKMAIL!

If I were a nicer teacher or PCV, I wouldn't show you this. If I were a meaner teacher or PCV, I'd have made a better clip and used it as blackmail against the three PCVs/former PCVs (name them and you get kudos from me!)




I've been a bit bored today so I'm looking at pictures. I had forgotten I had taken this clip, so it was a refreshing laugh when saw it. I love my students, they crack me up. I just don't so much like teaching them.

Also seen on this clip are Bulgarians from Blagoevgrad, Czechs (including one who I had a bit of a crush worthy of immature peanut tossing and 4 am bootie dancing...), and a few Italians. And those big green things? Name tags in the form of clovers. It was St. Patrick's day.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

God help these knees




Some fun pics of me and my counterpart! As you may remember, Yulia is a bit of a fearless soul. She's the one who decided to teach herself to ski (there are pics somewhere on this blog). We went to a nearby village, Bachevo, today to go horseback riding.

My counterpart, among other people, have decided that it's time I had a Bulgarian boyfriend. I've never been one for arranged hook-ups. So I laughed at meeting "sporty gordy," the slightly overweight ski teacher or "mountain rescuer" who's now a security guard and aspiring dump truck businessman. Are you impressed? Are you shocked that I laugh these descriptions off? I'll say one thing for most Bulgarians: they are honest, no sugarcoating here! So my CP decided that this guy is just what I need... hm.

I realized in these two arranged meetings I've had with Mr. Volleyball that I allow myself to be overshadowed. Being with my CP today and the other night at dinner with several of her husband's friends I realize how inadequate my Bulgarian is and wander of into my own world. I can have a fun conversation with one Bulgarian, or when there are other people with about my level of Bulgarian, but I CANNOT keep up with Bulgarians. So I feel like I'm not really myself which isn't fair to me, but what can I do? Study Bulgarian a bit more! and I guess if people really want to get to know me, they'll try to keep the conversation at my level. I can't blame them, really. No one wants to dumb it down for the foreigner.

Anyway, here's what I learned today...

1. horseback riding is not easy
2. you have to keep your knees in an unnatural and nearly unGodly position.
3. horses sweat and get your pants wet, which is gross.
4. horses are like children, you have to tell them exactly what you want them to do. They do not understand inuendo and they only understand body language which directly effects them (i.e. pulls their head or hurts their sides).
5. Someone who does not speak your language often makes a bad 'blind date"

Monday, May 22, 2006

25 NEW HIV CASES REGISTERED IN BULGARIA

25 NEW HIV CASES REGISTERED IN BULGARIA - Press Review news

What struck me about this article is the fact that out of 25 new reported cases of HIV only 4 were women. Why is that number so low? Is it normal for less than 25% of HIV cases to be female? What is the male to female ratio of testing? My guess is a lot more men are getting tested. Why is that? I wonder how the HIV rate in Bulgaria stacks up against other countries, as far as reported infections per year per capita. I wonder how many of these people with HIV were having using condoms, and how many were taught how to use a condom. I wonder if 9% is a bit high for the percentage of HIV cases contracted through blood transfusion.

just some questions i'll probably not answer, but strike me as urgent questions for people living in Bulgaria.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Fire in the Sky

The best place in Bulgaria to experience a thunder storm is here in Razlog. There's something about hearing thunder crash off the mountain and roll around in the bowl of a valley you live in. It starts on your left and goes to the right, it slowly rolls from one side and back to the other.

And the lightning is unbelievable. In the dusk of sunset a flash lights up the sky like the noon day sun. After that you're blinded and all the sky is black. By the time the thunder rolls through your eyes have adjusted and perhaps the sky is a slightly brighter shade of sunset blue.

My summer is begining with thunderstorms very similar to the way last summer ended. It makes me think about the time that elapsed inbetween- from last spring to the end of summer - from the end of summer to this springish season. All the things in between. Makes me wonder about a lot of things.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Sorry if this is a bit too opinionated... i need to rage every now and again

I want to make a few announcements:

I Have the Best Baba Ever!
That may be an exaggeration, but it was incredibly nice to see a pot sitting infront of my door when I came home incredibly exhausted after a long day and a long week! Baba Zorka makes the best food, and her bean soup is NO exception. Having finished up my SPA grant proposal (Small Project Assistance), it was really nice to not have to make something to eat. Speaking of which, let's talk about this SPA thing... I'm not going to say it's been fun. I won't say I did a very good job at it. But it's been a learning experience. If my proposal is not granted, I'll still be glad that I've done it. One of my goals in Peace Corps was to gain some experience in grant writing, as I'd like to end up in the non-profit sector one day, and I realize this will be very useful experience. It's all about learning.

I'm no Idiot, Lemme make my own dern opinions!!
I still haven't read The Di Vinci Code, but I intend to. Further more, I'm incredibly excited to see the movie (I'm a big Paul Bettany fan). I believe two facts: I am an intelligent human being capable of deciding what it I believe is true (note: I'm not saying what I believe is true for me, but True), reading is good for me. NOW, I don't think that it's bad to read things that are not true, I'll even extend that to reading things that are the opposite of what I believe is true. For example, I think reading fantasy novels are not bad... Let me expound:

Fairytales and stories of magic, I believe, are explanations of something within our cultural subconscious. They symbolically address some common problem. They speak to common nature. They teach us to see beyond the surface (the frog prince), to take chances against evil (hansel and gretel), or that the righteous may suffer persecution (snow white). Many ancient and medieval fairytales tell the hearers, now readers, to listen to parents, the value of a woman's sexual purity, or that the greatest reward comes from hard work, ingenuity, and commitment.

I can offer two explanations why I have no qualms with magic in literature and stories. First, the subconscious is an unfathomable mystery which is easier explained in magic. We use a vehicle which is also unexplainable, so much so that we do not believe it, but through this vehicle arrive at an understanding of both unfathomables. Second, to a child, anything beyond understanding is magic. The microwave oven, a science far beyond the mind of a four-year-old, is a magical machine capable of inflating the paperbag into a universe of buttery goodness OR causing your fillings to explode if you're too close. The television set is a show put on specially fo you. A rainbow is a special gift from God. The tooth fairy delivers us money for our fallen teeth. A child left to his own imagination will develop a magical explanation because he cannot conceive of the scientific explanation.

We adults use magic as an easier way to explain tough concepts. We reward children for their bravery through the trauma of losing a tooth with a dollar from the "tooth fairy." We find it easier to explain the concept of a bunny and painted eggs than the persecution, crucifixion, and resurrection of Christ to our innocent children. Look at children's books, children's movies, children's TV shows! They all have an element of the beyond-believable, the supernatural. Not because children have teensy attention spans which must be catered to with techno-color magical bunnies, but because it's on their level, and easier to understand. (internet and game console games are what we do for a child's short attention span)

That said, considering the generally accepted fact that children are pure at heart and are slowly tainted by the world and its foulness, is it really such a bad thing to return to learning like they do? In unpretentious ways?

And another thing. Fine if you want to forbid anything magical or fairytale-ish from your house. But let's be even and fair about it. Please, throw out your Disney movies, you Tolkein books or movies, your PS2 games, you books of nursery rhymes, anything Harry Potter of from the Nickolodeon channel, and any of C.S. Lewis' fiction. Let's just go ahead and forbid the creative altogether.

So what does that have to do with anything? Well, I recently googled "Di Vinci Code" so I could find out when it will come out in Europe. I happened upon a web site offering articles, videos, and booklets on going behind the code and revealing the truth. I'm not very up-to-date with the news, but has Dan Brown claimed that this novel is a work of non-fiction? What's it's Dewey decimal code? Does it start with a number or a letter? I don't know anyone who calls this book a masterpiece of research and detective skill.

I don't think it's such a bad thing that the Church sees something that it disagrees with and takes a firm opinion on it. But this whole Di Vinci Code thing, like the anti-Harry Potter fanatics just doesn't make sense to me. Why would you suggest we can't tell fiction from fact? Why is it a bad thing for me to enjoy things beyond reality? And most importantly,

CHURCH!! HOW MUCH MONEY HAVE YOU SPENT TEACHING AMERICA WHAT BOOKS NOT TO READ, WHICH MOVIES TO SEE OR NOT SEE, AND WHAT MUSIC TO LISTEN TO OR NOT LISTEN TO? and how does that compare with the amount of money you provide to help people have water, food, jobs, health care, literacy, safe homes, education? Why are babies dying of AIDS? How come children kilometers to sleep so they aren't kidnapped? Why are children left in rotten orphanages? Why are children trafficked like last winters potatoes to countries all around the world with a wink and a shrug by governments for the pleasure of sexual deviants around the world? WHY ARE CHILDREN FORCED INTO PROSTITUTION? WAR? PESTILENCE? DISEASE? poverty? invisibility?

Take another look at the "Christian industries." Music, books, movies. They make so much money because we feel more righteous by having Kincade pillows on our overstuffed couches and promises of wealth on our coffee cups and key rings. Listening to God's promises make us feel holier when we can jam to them in our loaded Expedition with the Jesus fish on the back bumper. I'm not saying any of these things are bad, but America, don't just sit there are feel pretty and holy in your opulence. Make a friggin difference and stop wasting air and dollars while you tell me which books not to read. As you tell us what Jesus did not do, I'll try showing what Jesus did.

"Preach the gospel, and if necessary use words." attributed to St. Francis of Assisi.

Monday, May 08, 2006

been a long time

I suppose I should be ashamed to admit this, but it's been a long time since I've seen something that hurt my heart to the point that I cried. I mean something unjust, tragic, and not directly related to me.

My sister recently participated in something I had not heard about called "Global Night Commute" which was an effort by Invisible Children to raise awareness about children in Uganda who because of war and acts of terrorism must walk to a safe place every evening to sleep. This is the only way they avoid the terrorist acts of kidnapping and murder that are results of war in their region.



It's sad. I recently got an email about babies. BABIES. b.a.b.i.e.s. being raped in South Africa by multiple men because of the myth that AIDS can be cured by having sex with a virgin, the younger the better. *spits on the floor in disgust* I am incredibly not qualified but this is one of those moments where part of me wishes I was doing some sort of community health education program. Not that we don't have problems here.

Oh, there are health problems here. But peoples lives are relatively uneffected so, I suppose, they don't see the urgent need to raise awareness on these topics. Topics like, yes Bulgaria, AIDS does exist here, sex education, why smoking really is bad for you, trafficking in persons, why spaying and nuetering stray animals is a good thing and not infringing on the rights of animals.

Peace Corps Bulgaria does touch on these topics. More than touch really. Trafficking in persons is a large element of what we are expected to work on as PCVs, and in this we are given the opportunity to comment on many inclusive subjects. Drugs, alcohol, responsible sexual habits, STDs are all subjects which can effect or are effected by the industry of human trafficking.

I don't really know why I'm rambling about either of these two topics. Have a good day.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Tired Sore Confused

I just returned from two three cold days and two frigid nights in the mountains. The youth group I work with (my students who are privileged enough to see a different side of me) had a training in the mountains on "Team Building." This is a good topic since team work is not a well practiced concept in Bulgaria. However, team work really wasn't much of what they worked on. It was more of an exploration into the goals of the organization, which is also a good thing. And, it does help build the team, since it shows them the common goal toward which they are working.

I have mentioned before that there is a conflict between this organizations and the teachers/admin at my school. I foresee a development in this conflict... There will be three different exchanges that the kids will go on. Three different countries. Three different sets of absences. Three times our director will get the raw end of severals teachers' anger. I fear I will be in the middle. We got the opportunity to talk about this problem. While it raised the blood pressure of some to potentially lethal levels, it was a productive and constructive discussion. I hope.

I hope. I may be speaking too soon.

I discovered exactly how fickle I am. At one point in this particular conversation I said to myself, "How can I work in this situation? Stuck between two groups who adamantly refuse to cooperate? That's it, I quit!" Only minutes later when the argument progressed I found myself thinking, "Mmhm, that's right! See, there's some productive thinking! I can't WAIT till we do that!" huh? Fickle!

It turns out spring in Razlog is very much like fall. It's colorful. Very cold at night. Chilly in the mornings and evenings. There are a few quite pleasant hours of warmth when the sunshines. And the thunderstorms are very intense. I love thunderstorms generally. But we had at least one hearty thunderstorm a week at the beginning of the fall, and spring looks about the same. These things get annoying.

At any rate... I spent the weekend with this group of students. I'm exhausted of Bulgarian only. I'm tired of being cold. Most importantly, I'm tired of this teeter-totter where I see the potential of something great and then see it beaten to a pulp, smashed to shreds with a meat tenderizer, or smeared with rot and left in the searing sun to decompose. I try to be realistic- to balance the positive and the negative,- to balance my idealism, pessimism, and optimism. I find this so incredibly tiring. It's a waiting game. It's a roller coaster.

Here's the cycle: I see something fabulously bursting with potential. I find interested parties. It proceeds and dies from one of two deaths: 1) Interested parties loose interest and/or motivation and/or 2) Opposition firmly kills said potential. I then plummet into a pit of frustration and unproductive thoughts (yeah, I know it's unproductive. Isn't that what I just said?). This pit is where I linger until something very happy draws me out. Each time I plummet into the pit, I lose parts of myself. This loss creates a type of lightness which increases the speed with which I ascend and descend out of the pit, making each more difficult and causing me to lose more of myself.

Don't you see? After another year there will be nothing left? I will be nothing more than a shell of me being tossed back and forth like a ping pong ball.

Whatevs, I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Changes in Links
I made a few changes to my links. I took off a couple PCVs who've returned to America. Maybe I'll make an RPCV section after a while. I've added a few links that are interesting to me... three blogs that are concerned with local issues. LaVergne, the town in which my permanant residence is currently located; Smyrna, the town next to that; and Del Norte County, the county in which I was born, which I believe has some of the most beautiful landscapes in North American (not exaggerating - *Redwood National Park*), is home to a large chunk of my extended family, and one of the hardest places to live in California I believe. Just so ya know.

Monday, May 01, 2006

questions

I am SO tired of size 12 Times New Roman font.  I am tired of manipulating budgets.  I am tired of goals, objectives, aims, цели, подцели, blablabla.  What I’m trying to say is that I’m tired of SPA (Small Project Assistance).  Mostly because I don’t feel like it’s really fulfilling any of its purposes.  Now, you may ask if I actually mean my purposes.  I do not.  My purpose is to help the school, as my community, meet its stated needs.  Anyway, I don’t feel very good about the whole thing and it makes me ask some questions…  

I know most of the PCVs in my group are asking these same questions.  We are asking if we are content and most of us hear a resounding “НЕ!!!”  We are asking if we are being the best PCVs we can be, the best English teachers, the best members of our communities.  We are reevaluating the professional standards and our program goals.  

April 25th marked one year of my life- Bulgarish style.  I could review all the highs and lows of the last year.  I could also review all the things I’ve missed out on at home.  I could list my failures or my feats.  I could recite the things I’ve learned and choices I will not remake next year.  That would take such a long time.  I’ll tell you simply that since I moved to Razlog last July, I am in a much healthier place, mentally.  That doesn’t mean I’m happy, or even content.  That doesn’t even mean I’m sure being here is the right thing for PC Bulgaria and for my school.  It simply means that I’m not on the edge of a breakdown.  Not this week.  Two weeks ago I was.  Two weeks ago I was ready to take the next flight to BNA!  

Here is my question for the week:  I am not a good teacher.  I am not a good English teacher.  I could perhaps teach students literature or poetry.  I could teach something that in and of itself contains inspiration or beauty.  English grammar with limited resources and so few sessions is beyond difficult for me.  I’m at the point to which I do not even attempt to look like a teacher.  I am clearly not a Bulgarian teacher, and I never claimed to be an American teacher.  I can’t make anyone learn.  I’m beginning to wonder if it is enough to be friends with my students.  Their English is incredible, and their teachers do much better at teaching them than I do.  Maybe I can just expand their horizons somehow.  

But is that enough?  Being friends with several Bulgarian teenagers?  Playing language games with rowdy 8th graders?  I don’t know.  When I consider all that I have missed in America, in my family, I think it’s not.  When I remember all the amazing highs and tough but enlightening lows of the last year, I understand that I am a better person and would not change that.  Is my own personal change worth it?  Worth being a crummy teacher, a miserably cold winter, a year of memories made with out me?  That is the question on my heart these days.