GAAAAHHH, GRRRR, AAARRRR, and other various expression of frustration

I know it's been a while since I've posted. I've been whirling in a tornado of chaos. I was at an international exchange called "Music, Dance, and Something Else." It was great. I had the pleasure of seeing some of my least active students act as leaders, translators, presenters, and fabulous hosts. I was beginning to feel inspired by the fact that they do in fact have motivation.

Then I came back to school. The director is irate with them because no one asked if they could go. She told them they could not participate the next (the last) two days of the event. They went anyway. Big mistake kids.

I see two sides. Both sides have previous opinions of the other. Both sides have reason for their actions and good motivation. Both sides also have a bit of pride that inspires their steps.

I see two middles. One middle is sticking to one side. The other middle is desperately trying to stay objective and remember her role and primary responsibilities.

As I remember those responsibilities, to teach, to be a change and development agent, to be an American, I increasingly question my reason for being here. I have bragged on and will brag on my students again. They are not as unruly as a lot of students. And the other English teachers... Their English is great (some with Masters' degrees in English), several of them try to be progressive in their methodology. My directors are tolerant of our linguistic and cultural differences, and all the bureaucratic stuff that I carry along with me. *BUT* I am stuck in a tourturous middle place. A place where I can't function very well. A place where I either share classes with a group of kids with one other teacher and we take the lessons linearly, so I can't really know what I'll do with them tomorrow until after she has finished with them. Or, I'm in a place where I have one meeting with these kids each week, and can get VERY little done with them. I generally don't find out where they are until the day before, (in one case, this is when I'm given the text book), and am expected to work directly out of the book. Of course I can use some creative methods, but I have one evening to come up with these methods. I don't know what I'm doing!

Then there is this big tension between these two groups and I'm stuck in the middle. I see a side of these kids that brings me to tears. I thought yesterday that I only sobbed over it because I was so tired. Then today, when I tried to talk about the dichotomy between these kids in class and out of class I sobbed again. (here's hoping crying in front of the dir and ass't dir earns me some brownie points) The kids don't see any reason to be motivated at school, "we can never make our teachers happy/satisfied." Teachers don't see any reason to put in extra effort, "the kids never try." They are both at stale mates. I see my role to motivate the kids to perform with extra vigor in all their classes. I REALLY don't see it happening, however. Not because I don't think they are capable, but because I don't think the teachers will really notice it, or if they do, will acknowledge it. I'm still going to try, of course.

And one more thing. SPA. Thorn of my existence. I hate it. It's SUCH a great concept (pity it's in it's final year), but it's SO hard to do here. Team mentality is not a strong Bulgarian concept, not in the, "we all work hard, we all reap well" meaning of the word. So, my SPA team has been limited to two, my CP and me, by my director. She means well I know; she wants to reduce drama. It's just so irritating because it's backward. I feel like we are doing things SO backward.

I hear all these things which are spitting out in clusters of what could liberally be called thoughts. And I see the need for me here. But I am so uninspired. I don't see what EARTHLY good it will do. All I see are fights. Fighting myself for motivation, fighting students for discipline, fighting teachers for creativity... Then I think back over the last week and the wonderful moments I had being the drunken carrot, learning the meringue, chucking peanuts at Czechs, and most importantly, watching young Bulgarians exhibiting skills that if fostered will turn them into fabulous leaders for this country. I know that the odds are against them, but the best I can do is try to increase the odds.

And, on the upside: spring break is swiftly approaching (four school days and a joke of a Friday to wrangle my way through). Hopefully I'll have a fun girls' weekend in Blagoevgrad, visit the host fammo, see Varna, and get some good rest. We'll see...

Finally, I want to thank my PCV friends who listen to me complain, cry with me, calm me down, and fabulously distract me.