I am SO tired of size 12 Times New Roman font. I am tired of manipulating budgets. I am tired of goals, objectives, aims, цели, подцели, blablabla. What I’m trying to say is that I’m tired of SPA (Small Project Assistance). Mostly because I don’t feel like it’s really fulfilling any of its purposes. Now, you may ask if I actually mean my purposes. I do not. My purpose is to help the school, as my community, meet its stated needs. Anyway, I don’t feel very good about the whole thing and it makes me ask some questions…
I know most of the PCVs in my group are asking these same questions. We are asking if we are content and most of us hear a resounding “НЕ!!!” We are asking if we are being the best PCVs we can be, the best English teachers, the best members of our communities. We are reevaluating the professional standards and our program goals.
April 25th marked one year of my life- Bulgarish style. I could review all the highs and lows of the last year. I could also review all the things I’ve missed out on at home. I could list my failures or my feats. I could recite the things I’ve learned and choices I will not remake next year. That would take such a long time. I’ll tell you simply that since I moved to Razlog last July, I am in a much healthier place, mentally. That doesn’t mean I’m happy, or even content. That doesn’t even mean I’m sure being here is the right thing for PC Bulgaria and for my school. It simply means that I’m not on the edge of a breakdown. Not this week. Two weeks ago I was. Two weeks ago I was ready to take the next flight to BNA!
Here is my question for the week: I am not a good teacher. I am not a good English teacher. I could perhaps teach students literature or poetry. I could teach something that in and of itself contains inspiration or beauty. English grammar with limited resources and so few sessions is beyond difficult for me. I’m at the point to which I do not even attempt to look like a teacher. I am clearly not a Bulgarian teacher, and I never claimed to be an American teacher. I can’t make anyone learn. I’m beginning to wonder if it is enough to be friends with my students. Their English is incredible, and their teachers do much better at teaching them than I do. Maybe I can just expand their horizons somehow.
But is that enough? Being friends with several Bulgarian teenagers? Playing language games with rowdy 8th graders? I don’t know. When I consider all that I have missed in America, in my family, I think it’s not. When I remember all the amazing highs and tough but enlightening lows of the last year, I understand that I am a better person and would not change that. Is my own personal change worth it? Worth being a crummy teacher, a miserably cold winter, a year of memories made with out me? That is the question on my heart these days.
This blog is intended to help me cope and connect as a Peace Corps volunteer in Bulgaria. I hope you can enjoy, learn from, or laugh at my incredibly random and emotional blog.
About Me
- Maegen
- I'm that girl who decided to push herself... So I'm trying to teach and live abroad. Hailing the states of Tennessee and California, USA. I am completely underqualified for this current gig with my measly BA in English from Middle Tennessee State Univ.
4 comments:
Leaving those kids, my friends, my colleagues...you have no idea how important you are, as a mentor, as a friend...in their lives. They look up to you, they ask you questions, they smile and laugh...They talk to you when they are trying to figure out their own futures and looking to you for guidance. You are more than a "friend" to them. You are a cool older sister that, whether it works out in the classroom or not, supports and organizes them--rallies them and gives to them. This has nothing to do with bravery...this has everything to do with you being an incredible and confident woman who chose to say "yes" to a challenge--to get to know a random group of teenagers and attempt to motivate them to change their lives--and the lives of those around them. This has nothing to do with "my students" or "school" or SPA--those are formalities and you know it. The truth lies in your heart. What will you get from it? Get from it? If you're thinking about a reward, or expecting this great praise, this defeats the purpose of "altruism" and consequently, your faith. I believe you have the answers and I believe in you-only you know your limits and just how far you can stretch yourself. You have already stretched farther than you could have imagined and you have no idea how proud people are of you.
I think ultimately I was expecting a rewarding teaching experience. Perhaps in that there is an element of self-satisfaction... I'm feeding these young minds the knowledge they eagerly yearn for. BAH! The bottom line is that this will NOT happen...
So I have to choose how to respond... Do I continue as I did this year? I feel as though that would be a waste. How do I make the experience more rewarding for everyone? My students, my colleagues, PCBulgaria, and myself...
There are a couple things I've resolved to do regarding which classes I'm given. There's not much you can teach in one hour a week. I'll require assignments that are completely seperate from the book which will require no class time. I may even require reading assignments (lofty and impractical, but we'll see). There's an idea to start a drama troupe among Harmonie's kids (sorry, I don't know how else to refer to them...) We'll see.
Um, everything edna said, with bells on.
I have no answers. But I think you are asking the right sort of questions - both in your post, and in your response above.
We are all teachers. We teach by the way that we each live. I am a teacher (K/1) and at my first of the year parent teacher conference I point out the fact that I am no way their child's first teacher. They have been the primary teachers, as well as the many who have touched the life of their child. Your fears and concerns are ones that us 'real' teachers also go through. Another important aspect of what you are doing is that the individuals that you come in contact with get another perspective of America and the people who reside here. We also have the time crunch though not to your extreme. As a Kindergarten teacher I am discouraged about what I am told to do. I can't lecture 4-5 year olds as my school district demands so we are moving to an area that more reflects our teaching values. There are so many opportunities to teach....those teachable moments that we all treasure. Is it what the admins wanted me to expound, or what peaked my students curiousities. Those are priceless and rarely fit neatly in a lesson plan. Well, distant cuz, Say hi to your mom.
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