I turned 25. My quarter life crisis should be complete right? I mean, I’m not likely to live to see 100 years. But I don’t think it is. Maybe I’m exaggerating. Perhaps I am under the assumption that life eventually settles and makes sense. It is possible that some people settle into some track that they are okay with, perhaps even pleased with. I can’t remember ever being pleased with where I was while I was there. There was always something that pushed me to move-change-stretch-grow. Sometimes it’s my own displeasure with a situation. Frequently it is the prospect of the unknown potential. Many times it has been people who challenge me.
The worst part of being in Bulgaria is not having the people around me who constantly challenge me. Maybe I should step up and practice a little self discipline. But let’s face it, I’m not a very self motivated person. I can be an extremely motivated girl, but I’m not a ‘pull her up by her bootstrings’ kind of girl. What the heck is that anyway? How come no one has ever pointed out that pulling ones self up by one’s boot straps or strings or whatever is a physical impossibility?! I’ve had a couple of relationships come in and out of my life which in retrospect, I can say helped me to be a better person. And is there any feeling better than knowing you help make someone else a better person? I’m not saying I don’t have any good friendships here, but I do feel a certain void in the “soul changing relationship” department. I mean that both ways- I don’t see how I’m helping to change anyone and no one is helping me to be a better, more complete me.
We have come to the point then, when the question must be asked, am I in a state which is conducive to aiding in the changing of lives. I think that is a loaded question. There are some things for which you can never really be prepared… having kids, marriage, and being a life-changing friend.
I don’t know… Maybe it’s the fact that the American light is shining through this wintery darkness. Maybe it is the wintery darkness. Maybe it’s the lack of challenge or the fact that there is no one to challenge me but myself and as we’ve established, I’m pretty crummy at that. But I’ve been feeling rather discontent lately. Part of that is just me, one of my not so healthy little quirks- I’m rarely content. Perhaps it means something too though. Could it be something needs to change?
Sorry, this is a terrible messy post…
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1 comment:
Well, happy belated quarter-century!
I don't think life ever settles and makes sense. Or is that just me?
I'm suprised that you don't feel challenged by the people in Bulgaria. I guess being challenged by new things and being challenged by the people who know you too well are very different.
It's always good to question the ruts we get into, no matter how comfortable or uncomfortable they are. Challenging yourself can be hard. Maybe something needs to change...or maybe you're just that kind of person who does challenge yourself to change, even when you don't realise it, and that is the source of your discontent.
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