Happy 100th Post to Meggi!

I tried skiing again over the weekend. I'm not a quitter. You can ask most anyone who knows me. I do NOT quit easily. I keep trying. I have rare days where my mental state causes a very low of tolerance to frustration. Yesterday was not one of those days. I was some how in a not-groove today. I don't know why. So, I had a random group of guests this weekend. I mean REALLY random. We went to Dobrinishte to ski. It did not go well. I managed to not get the ski pants I use and that Arin uses. So we went in regular pants. We made the bus to Dobrinishte. We made our way to the center. We found the hotel. There I discovered that my information was not 100% accurate; the last bus to the slopes had already left. So the receptionist called a microbus for us. We agreed on a price. We began our ascent. We began our descent in slighlty controled chaos. We returned to this dudes house to get chains. His son drove us up, skied and hung out for the day, and drove us all the way back to Razlog. We paid a bit more than on public transportation, less than on taxis, and had a much more convenient ride.

So, back to quitting. I don't quit right? Did I mention that the weather was ucky yesterday It was really snowy. It was REALLY snowy. I was skiing with out good ski clothes. I did the bunny hill a few times. The guys took the other hill after a while. One of the guys said I was ready for the big hill. He said I could manage it. So in the space of over 30 minutes I manage to travel about 100 meters of a 3+ km slope. I was trying. I was doing everything I knew how. I was doing the same things that worked below on the bunny hill. It was NOT working. I ended up laying on my stomach cursing. I got up. I found my knees bent in the wrong way. I got up. I finally crashed and quietly said, "I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't think I can do this." And then those hot tears poured down my freezing cold cheeks. I was so angry at myself for not doing well. I was so concerned about what so and so would say if they knew I quit. More tears. Why are you crying? Can't you ever control your emotions? Crying harder. I called it a day. I took the short yet difficult hike back up to the lift and went down. It just wasn't going to happen.
What did I learn? I can't worry about what other people will say about my failures. It's my failure, not yours. I can't be expected to be held your self-standards. You holding me to your own expectations only betrays your egoism. I tried and that is what counts. That is what I am proud of. But hereI go ranting about a notion of a notion. My perception of someone else's concept of me. I told Lucia as we were freezing cold, wet, and waiting on the guys to finish up that I was more bothered that I worried about what someone else would say of my failure than the acutal failure itself. She proceeded to tell me what I already knew about seeking validation, about giving people a position in my life that they shouldn't have, about not seeing things the way they really are. Some of the same things that I've said to other people in other situtations. The hardest bed to sleep in is the one you've made, I reckon.

But, except for a wrotten day of skiing, I had a wonderful weekend. I went to see "Munich" with Andy and Lucia in Blagoevgrad, which was a great film. Not exactly up my alley, but well made and multi-faceted. I found and bought a pair of real leather tall, black, dress boots. THEY FIT MY CALVES!!! They were also on sale! After the skiing fiasco, we went to my favorite mehana for a fabulous dinner. It is my favorite because it serves blue cheese stuffed mushrooms (fresh mushrooms!) so good that my vegan sitemates tell me they are very tasty, and because it's ridiculously close to my house. We then came home, hung out, had po-edna boiled rakiya with loads of my domashna borov med (mmmmm tasty!!). Some how Lucia and I ended up sleeping on my pull out chair. This is not a comfortable bed in general, but two girls in the one bed. EEK! And Scott ended up in my bed alone. I think this was a strategic manoever that failed. He said this morning, "Well I just assumed someone else would lay down in there." Uh scott--- sorry to disapoint, I just don't know you that well.

I'm going to Stara Zagora early tomorrow morning and I won't be back until the weekend. Probably Sunday. I just got off the phone with my director, who found a car to take us to Plovdiv. SWEET! Yeah! I'm looking forward to this. I've also heard that there are pictures from the weekend, including a very unhappy picture of myslef, on Arin's blog. Alright, it's cold. I'm hungry. I'm out Gs. Catcha later! aiee!!