What an Ingrate!

Some people will never be happy.  The grass is always greener on the other side.  They’ll never be content.  Give them and inch and they’ll take a mile.  You know who I’m talking about.  

Right?  You know one of those people?  Don’t you wish they could be more like you?

SHUT UP!  We are all that person.  Okay, maybe not.  Maybe it’s just me.  And because I’m a malcontent, I see it in everyone else.  I mean, if I can’t be happy with my situation, why on EARTH would I be happy with someone else’s situation?  

Okay, but this is not a blog of whining.  Not today.  I’ve been busy this week.  I’m exhausted.  I love it.  No, things are not peachy at school.  My kids are rowdy and often rude.  I usually feel like a thorn in some of the other English teachers’ sides.  ОБАЧЕ (that’s BG for however, and I like it more), my rowdiest class adores me and adores English.  They soak up language and attention like a sponge.  Granted, I have to yell over them half the class period.  But they get it!  And the other teachers, they love me.  I can’t do anything with out them calling me “milichka,” or “sladorana” (like, darling and sweetheart).  Well, there is one thing I can never do right: dress warmly enough.  But I’ve got these 20 new mothers.

After our recent in-service training event I was pretty emotionally bruised, banged up, and beaten down.  I felt like I had no Razlogshki identity and no one to help me create one.  So, I moped for a while.  I finally had a sit down with the youth development PCV in my town.  I basically told her I was at my wit’s end.  I told her that while my school appreciates me as a teacher and will do anything to support me in the class room (which is A LOT more than many volunteers can say, and for that I am grateful), this is not enough for me.  I teach over 18 hours a week at school, between regular classes, elected classes after school, and English for the teachers.  I’m still bored though.  It’s not that it’s not enough work, it’s just that it’s the same thing.  I need diversification friends!  I’m learning that I DO have the Matson attention span.  It’s just not there.

Anyway, Harmonie is trying to hook me up.  She works for an amazing NGO which gets A LOT done and has a lot of connections.  We had a meeting with a guy and her counterpart.  I’m not going to say it went very well.  But the wheel is rolling.  I’ve taken steps in a proactive direction.  I went to an event sponsored by her NGO and their youth group.  I’m hoping to hop on board with her youth group.  I think our two different styles may end up complementing each other, provided our schedules can mesh.  

I’m trying to be grateful in a really sad season.  I’m trying not to think about all the things I don’t have by remembering the things I do have.  I have a warm-ish apartment.  I have a family here that, if I asked would help me out.  I have hand made baba booties AND a baba vest!  I have a new crockpot.  I could stop there huh?  I have a few friends here.  I should be grateful for the things that I miss now because at least I still have them.  My parents and siblings are still alive.  As I type these words, I mourn for my friends who are going through this season with out members of their families not because of distance, but because of death.  



God, forgive my ungrateful heart.  I have been bitter and contrite.  I have wallowed in my dark sea of self pity.  I longed to linger in the shadows of loneliness rather than basking in your light.  I have not been a light on a hill.  I have not been recognized because of my love.  God, forgive my pride and show me the way to wholeness in you and your destiny for me.