Ponderings on the this human's emotions

It's really cold in Bulgarland these days. So cold in fact that most schools in this country are taking a holiday (that's British for vacation, which is the word I should use since I have no British readership, and I think my one Australian reader knows the difference). Not my school. No, we mountain folk should be accustomed to the cold. Cold outside means cold inside. And my flat is cold. I have my big heater on, but it doesn't exactly put out noticeable heat... but I'd freeze without it. I have my little heater with a fan on, but at this point the air it's moving around is just a cold breeze. Well, I still can't see my breath in this room, so I don't really have anyplace to complain.

I should really be asleep already, but I laid down and my mind did not float off to lalaland as quickly as normal, so I took that as my que to write.

I've been thinking about my story -- my lesson. I have this one friend who, through my drama, was trying to convince me to be more opaque, that showing my feelings is weakness. He thinks I should keep everything inside. He doesn't share his feelings with anyone and he feels safer that way. I am the exact opposite. My friend thinks it's bizarre that I would tell my mother anything in my personal life. I can't imagine not telling my mother these things. Why do I feel the need to share things? Yes, it does make me weaker to some things. To the manipulation of other people, to rumors and gossip. Eh, people can manipulate even if we hide our real selves. And rumors and gossip don't depend on our vulnerability. I think I do it to feel connected. I love knowing that people have bits of me. Those emotions I spew - good, bad, and ugly - allow people to carry pieces of my heart in their memory. We could get all psychobabble and blame it on an inattentive father and a mother who compensated excessively which resulted in my need for attention and affirmation. Whatever, it's who I am and it serves a purpose. We'll get to that in a bit.

My friend thinks I make everything harder than it really is. Maybe that's true. I feel things intensely, and I have for as long as I can remember. (HELP ME! HELP! HELP! I can't breathe!) I've never denied over thinking my problems. I generally over think most things (Bulgaria is doing it's best to cure of this however). I am a worrier. But I would rather worry my way through things, that to not think about them. This is where my friend and I agreed to disagree. He said time heals all cancers. I said, "bah." glupasti! For me, time allows the cancer to spread to the whole body until it destroys every cell. Only immediate, proactive, and frequently painful surgery can heal cancers. An action must be taken to get over a thing, a problem. We cannot simply believe that it will stop hurting. Sometimes the action will make sense to NO ONE. I recently commented to someone that sometimes we must start acting like we are loved before we can feel loved. I recently had to forgive in order to feel forgiven. Feelings just aren't enough. In a relationship, we don't bail just because we don't "feel the love" anymore... sometimes you have to ACT out of love before you can feel love. There is a difference between the verb and the noun. "I love you" vs. "I am in love with you" "I forgive you" vs. "I feel your forgiveness" Of course there is a lot more to it. But action is always there... we must choose something!

I will always choose to feel deeply. "The shadow proves the sunshine." There is balance in opposites. I'd rather feel excruciating pain and heavenly joy than to shut off my heart and lock it in my own personal hell of unfeeling.
I will try to trust - when it is not earned - even when it is stupid to trust.
I will try to love - because it truly is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
I learn today from yesterday's pain, and tomorrow I will teach what today I have learned.