Your Greatest Fear?

On Crossing Jordan tonight, Lilly’s mom was hit by a car and died.  

Do you have a greatest fear?  One of those fears that, when you don’t have any really good thoughts to mill about in your head at night before you go to sleep, begins to creep into your mind and run your imagination ragged?  Do you have one of those fears which sends you into nightmares from which you wake up crying?

I had always thought that “to wake up crying” was an exaggeration.  A few months ago I woke up from an incredibly vivid dream with tears soaking my pillow.  I have had nightmares, when I was younger, that were so frightening that upon waking up I began to cry.  However, I had never been so taken in by a dream – a nightmare – that in the midst of it I cried.  It’s not a good way to wake up.  Now, I cannot remember the exact story of this dream, but I do remember the general outcome.  It is the same as the nightmares made me cry when I woke from them.  They were about my mother.  Dying.

My mother is not dead, but I have this huge paranoia that my mother will die before I’m ready.  How sad is that?  First, it’s silly to think that a person is ever ready for their parent to die.  Second, it’s selfish for me to have some obsession when such terrible things are happening around me.  And I’m worried my mom is going to get murdered or something…

I’ve never talked with my mom about these things.  And she didn’t give me permission to share the following private details.  I hope she doesn’t get upset, but I think she’ll cope.

A few weeks ago my mom sent me an email telling me that her doctor had found a five inch mass on her right ovary.  She went in to the doctor’s because she felt like she had “something moving around inside.”  Blood work was done and it showed there was no cancer present.  She and her doctors decided that it would be best to not only remove the ovary, but to perform a complete hysterectomy.  They did this last Monday.  That night my father called to say she came out of surgery fine and her doctor says the mass looked normal.  The next day I talked to my mom.  She said the same thing.

When I talked to my father I was elated.  I jumped around my flat as soon as we hung up.  

When I talked to my mother I felt dejected and alone.  I felt like a terrible child.  I kicked myself for being on the other side of the world, yet again, as my mother is going through a painful and difficult time.  Mom refused to let me consider flying home though.  What could I have really done?

Today, eight days after my mom’s surgery, she is still in some pain.  She is still suffering some nasty side effects.  I don’t even want to begin to consider all the ways her life will change from this very important operation.  Today, the pathology reports came back on the cells taken from her mass.  As it turns out, there were some “borderline” cells.  

When I received the email with these newest pieces of information I was crushed all over again, but not in quite the same way.  I cried not so much for the threat of my mother’s health, but for this emotional roller-coaster she is on.  I cried because I know she must be crying these days.  I cried because I see myself so great in my mother’s eyes, and to imagine her going through this with out me is torture because I just don’t know how she can be doing it.  But I am fooling myself only.  No one believes that I am the strong one.

I don’t pretend to understand the medical bits.  I don’t understand how blood work showed nothing, and it looked fine, but now it seems there is some cancer.  And I don’t understand how, if before the test said there was no cancer, further tests will be any kind of reliable.  But I guess it’s not for me to understand.  

So, what’s your greatest fear?

Smells like winter

Walking home from one of the last evening coffees outside, I recognized the smell of winter. People have started lighting their wood stoves, causing the air to have that haze that makes the sunset all the more brilliant as it falls over the mountains, not yet draped in white. Folks here are still preparing for winter. Last minute canning involves a huge pot, more like a cauldron really, lit from below with a wood fire. On the side of the road, near the river, across from the homes, flowers are still bright and healthy. Above them a few meters, the leaves are beginning to change to orange-rust-yellow. Don't they know, they'll just fall in a month? Some will still be clinging to the branch when that first snow comes in November.

I'm hoping for a better winter this year. So far, everything else is better than last year. The crisis, conflicts, drama, and debates are not foreseen. I know my way around this landscape a little better. I have friends and support here. I have people who really care about me this year. No way but up right?

School and Hallmark Movies

The new school year began today. It began with all of the "normal" celebrations. All the students lined up in their classes, arranged by age. At the end, the twelfth graders walked in the building hand-in-hand with the first graders. It was sweet. Some how, I felt a bit of sadness at the thought of this year... my last everything in Bulgaria, with these kids.

The start of a new year, but I really don't feel like analyzing my life and preparing emotionally for this year.

I hate how "Hallmark" movies set up two situations, and the protagonist in one situation learns from the lessons of the other protagonist's crisis of years gone by. Or how two characters, with some strong bond- father/son, sisters, mother/daughter, etc -deal with their own independent issues and somehow, through their own failings help eachother to heal. It's so unrealistic. But then, I guess we're not supposed to really believe in the movies.