Proverbs 3:1-8

1) My child, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, 2) for they will provide a long and full life, and they will add well-being to you. 3) Do not let truth and mercy leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. 4) Then you will find favor and good understanding, in the sight of God and people. 5) Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own understanding. 6) Acknowledge him in all your ways, and he will make your paths straight. 7) Do not be wise in your own estimation; fear the Lord and turn away from evil. 8) This will bring healing to your body, and refreshment to your inner self.

These verses are the first (particularly 5) that I can recall from my developing days of faith. That is, of course, outside John 3:16 and the Lord's Prayer. This was the verse plastered all over our house. This was the verse that made sense in my soul before I understood what my soul was. Funny how some lessons take a lifetime to learn. It is amazing that in all these years of faith (I know I am young), this one lesson God has been so gently trying to teach me and I have been so stubbornly trying my own means first. What patience does our God have!? I don't suppose I'll ever master the skill of disciplining my flesh to rely first on the Lord rather than indulging in myself. While I won't stop trying, I won't beat myself up either, since perfection is not attainable in this present world. I will- I do praise God for gently showing me again that my only solace is in Him.

Though sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes in the morning!!

These weeks of being alone -- no friends, no family, no church, no dogs (hey, I'm serious); feeling useless, unneeded, and inadequate; suffering from confusion, lack of structure and reliability --have taught me that never in my life have I truly been alone. Those moments I struggled with loneliness, I always had an earthly comfort to console me, at least in part. I am learning here to rely completely and firstly on my savior to be my comforter.

Psalm 139... I am not alone, cannot hide, created and designed, and praising my God.

What is life like in Bulgaria?

What is life like in Bulgaria? I could tell you about the random adventures I get into, stranded at bus stations, or meandering through unknown cities following vague directions I half-understand because I've adopted the Bulgarian "spokoino" (relax!) attitude. Or I could tell you about the Bulgarian sense of generosity. About the family that opened their home and hearts to me so that now I am Kakata (the biggest sister) of two families. About the babi (grandmothers) who have showered me with their kisses, hugs, and fresh veggies. Or I could tell you about the Beauty to be found here. Beauty in the mountains who send down a cool breeze every evening. Beauty found in the weddings which last all day and include dancing in the streets and rejoicing with friends and family for hours. Beauty in the face of bebe and baba (baby and grandma) playing in the street. Beauty in the toothless smile of the cleaning lady at school as she calls me a village girl and pinches my 23 going on 5 year old cheeks, because I have my hair back in two French braids. I could tell you about the wonder of God that can be experienced here. How wonderful it is to stand in a room filled with the smoke from honey candles burnt in worship of God, watching people worship in the same way and in the same place their people have been worshipping Him for centuries. How wonderful it is to review Bible stories on the ceiling of monasteries with wonderful friends. How wonderful it is to share this unique Bulgarian experience with friends, knowing we share something that is so limited, in many ways. How wonderful it is to hear the thunder crash and knowing that on the other side of the mountain, someone else feels that same crash and we feel the electricity of it just the same. But telling you these things will not do justice to Bulgarian life, or my experience. Sadly, my feeble words cannot describe life in Bulgaria. So just know that this is an adventurous, generous, beautiful, and wonderful nation and I am daily increasingly proud to be here. Know that I am thankful for being taught my fears are real emotions, but they are never enough to keep me from my dreams, and that dreams are seeds God places in your heart so that he may grown them into fruit. Know that like no other time in my life, I am mixed up in loneliness, pride, joy, satisfactions, and loneliness (oh, have I mentioned that?) in such a way that I would never change the experiences I've had thus far. My life- Bulgaria.

Music in the Night

Generally, as I lie in my bed, the gentle breeze from the mountain cools the heat of the day. The murmer of the little river across the street is my lullaby as it tenderly tickles the rocks that cradle it in. Tonight is different however. Tonight I cannot hear the little river. Tonight the roaring of traditional Macedonian music bellows into my room like smoke pours out of a room devastated by flames. It would seem the vastness outside my window is not enough for the percussive melodies of the drum and the harmonies of the gaida and clarinet type instruments. No, they must escape to my room and fill my dreams. I will dream that I am not lying in my bedroom, alone and sleepy. I am below, where the music is. Vish! Look! It is not only the drunk old dyados from my mahala! The whole mahala is out. We horo and for once, I know all of the steps. When I miss-step, my neighbors giggle and sqeeze my hands. When the music stops we drink ice cold water and rakia. But we are not allowed to rest. the rhythm of the drum starts my feet again. Slowly the pounding increases in volume and intensity, frequency. Our feet move in such harmony- this ground has been stomped on in this same pattern for thousands of years. Before the communists, before the Turks, before Byzantium, before Christ, this ground was sacred. Here we danced. Here we will dance for years to come. This is Bulgaria, the rhythm, the melody, the harmony, the steps, the tradition.

Not Alone

Perhaps some folks are, but I am quite decidedly not meant to live my life alone. There was a while when I thought I would be quite alright if I am never meant to marry. After this little bit of time living alone, it is not a state in which I've been created to find contentment. I gain so much enjoyment and completion by being around people, sharing myself with them, nurturing and caring for them. When I am left alone after the bustle of activity I realize little else than that I've been left alone. I spent some time with a friend this weekend talking about, exploring the most important matters in our world. We spent a considerable amount of time talking about God, religion, the state of the Church, the path to faith. I feel so thankful to my God for these talks. I'm grateful for the chance to talk with my friend. I'm so grateful for the motivation to be distracted from myself, in a way that makes me think of the person with whom I am talking and really process my own thoughts. I need other people in a way I did not realize, or did not want to recognize. I for so long have thought of life as if I am going through it in this Christian meets existentialist paradigm. It is just me, and God, against the world. Other people come in and out of my life - some may help, some may hurt, some both. But at the end of the day we are all fighting for ourselves, except I am fighting with God. So it does not - or at least it should not - hurt so badly when someone else's battle wounds me. I am at the point today where I know these things: 1) God is fighting with me; 2) We are not fighting against the rest of the world; 3) It is not a weakness to long for company; 4) It is okay to not understand, to not believe, and to not be fully comforted in all these things I think, or have been taught I ought to understand, believe, and be comforted in.