Tuesday, October 31, 2006
good day
do you ever end a day with a great sense of accomplishment? i feel so spent. there will be pictures and explanations at a later point, but here's the rundown... i singlehandedly organized a halloween party for my 9a class, which included games, prizes, pizzas, and my homemade lasagne. Turns out I rock the lasagne. my kids had a great time. the other teachers, while hesitant at first, seemed to be impressed by the halloween shinanegins (sp?). a good outcome. some great memories. i love my kiddos.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
To quote Paris Hilton: Dare to Dream...
I read a blog recently about being true to idealism. The blogger noted today’s generation’s tendency to be cynical and criticize all the bad things they see rather than remaining true to their ideals and do something to change those things which can be criticized.
I listened to a sermon by Rob Bell at Mars Hill today. He talked about how when Paul was accused by the Corinthians of inciting a riot, a leader of the community said he had never blasphemed against any of their Gods. When he addressed the Corinthians, he told them he had note come to them with fancy words, but had come and demonstrated. Pastor Bell suggests that one of the purposes of Jesus was to free us from words and explanations but to live by demonstration.
Demonstration requires action.
I watched a pretty mediocre Hallmark movie on the Kennedy family, particularly the roles of the three Kennedy wives, Jackie, Ethel, and Joan. The last scene of the movie, Joan, a recovering alcoholic, pulls herself together to support her husband Ted as he runs for the democratic nomination for the presidency. With Joan and their children behind him, Senator Ted Kennedy gives his secession speech. Giving his wife a brief moment of pride in their tumultuous marriage, he quotes a poem that was beloved of both of his deceased brothers, Alfred, Lord Tennyson’s “Ulysses.” So, I went through the books of poetry that I had sent to me and reread Ulysses.
I could just trust that you, intelligent reader, can interpret these lines for yourself. And I’m sure you can. And if you have some wisdom beyond mine, which is very limited, please comment them to me.
In Tennyson’s poem, Ulysses remarks about his present, his past, and finally our future. He expresses his boredom with measuring out, “Unequal laws unto a savage race,/ That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me” (lines 4-5). After reminiscing on his past, his adventures, his pursuits, and his pains, in lines 18-32 he makes this statement about mankind:
Ulysses reminds his audience that to live is more than to breathe. He urges us to chase our rainbows. Even if you had lifetimes it wouldn’t be enough, but in every hour that you have before this life is over there is more to learn, more to chase after. Ahh, beautiful. And TRUE!
Then Ulysses spends a few lines bragging on his son’s qualities which, if someone were to say the same of him, he would be insulted I presume. “Most blameless is he, centered in the sphere/ Of common duties, decent not to fail/ In offices of tenderness…” (ll 39-41). He also attributes to his son discernment, slow prudence, and faithfulness to the household gods. These Ulysses clearly sees as good qualities, but not qualities he possesses. He tells his audience that Telemachus will be good for the people and help them to become a better people, through his wisdom and patience; something Ulysses himself cannot do. It’s not his nature. It’s not who he is.
The last stanza of the poem is Ulysses appeal to his audience. Who is he addressing? Perhaps he is crying out to his sailors for one more journey…
Perhaps that is part of the joy. An achievable dream has the potential to let you down, but a dream which is constantly beyond your grasp will stretch you. That might be discouraging for some people. To strive for something they will never achieve.
Maybe it would be better if we didn’t discourage ourselves. Let’s only have dreams that we can liquefy. Please, at the risk of your self-esteem, please only dream in realistic terms. Limit yourself to practical goals. Here are some ideas which should be avoided: world peace, end to hunger, health care for all humanity, cures to diseases, saving endangered species, improving job markets, ending corruption, ending inequality, religious respect and tolerance. These things YOU will never accomplish.
For the sake of you sense of self-worth which you may maintain by seeing goals accomplished, please dream about things like these: getting a raise, buying a new car every two years, saving for my daughters’ university educations, helping children at the neighborhood school learn to read, getting two new people to come to my church every year, seeing one person come to Jesus each year.
You know what, scratch that. Making goals may be too hard for some of us. Just float through life and quench all desire to dream.
Okay, enough of the farse… YOU will never cure AIDS by yourself, but if you make and achieve proper goals and surround yourself with like-minded people you WILL move closer to dream. And saving for Jenny’s education is of course a good thing, and something you should do. But let’s don’t replace goals with dreams. Don’t focus on something that is useful because that which is ideal is unattainable.
And for Christ’s sake, please, DO SOMETHING! Don’t just sit and complain. Demonstrate your passion! Show your heart. Express your life.
I listened to a sermon by Rob Bell at Mars Hill today. He talked about how when Paul was accused by the Corinthians of inciting a riot, a leader of the community said he had never blasphemed against any of their Gods. When he addressed the Corinthians, he told them he had note come to them with fancy words, but had come and demonstrated. Pastor Bell suggests that one of the purposes of Jesus was to free us from words and explanations but to live by demonstration.
Demonstration requires action.
I watched a pretty mediocre Hallmark movie on the Kennedy family, particularly the roles of the three Kennedy wives, Jackie, Ethel, and Joan. The last scene of the movie, Joan, a recovering alcoholic, pulls herself together to support her husband Ted as he runs for the democratic nomination for the presidency. With Joan and their children behind him, Senator Ted Kennedy gives his secession speech. Giving his wife a brief moment of pride in their tumultuous marriage, he quotes a poem that was beloved of both of his deceased brothers, Alfred, Lord Tennyson’s “Ulysses.” So, I went through the books of poetry that I had sent to me and reread Ulysses.
I could just trust that you, intelligent reader, can interpret these lines for yourself. And I’m sure you can. And if you have some wisdom beyond mine, which is very limited, please comment them to me.
In Tennyson’s poem, Ulysses remarks about his present, his past, and finally our future. He expresses his boredom with measuring out, “Unequal laws unto a savage race,/ That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me” (lines 4-5). After reminiscing on his past, his adventures, his pursuits, and his pains, in lines 18-32 he makes this statement about mankind:
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough
Gleams that untraveled world, whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnished, not to shine in use!
As though to breathe were life! Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains; but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this gray spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.
Ulysses reminds his audience that to live is more than to breathe. He urges us to chase our rainbows. Even if you had lifetimes it wouldn’t be enough, but in every hour that you have before this life is over there is more to learn, more to chase after. Ahh, beautiful. And TRUE!
Then Ulysses spends a few lines bragging on his son’s qualities which, if someone were to say the same of him, he would be insulted I presume. “Most blameless is he, centered in the sphere/ Of common duties, decent not to fail/ In offices of tenderness…” (ll 39-41). He also attributes to his son discernment, slow prudence, and faithfulness to the household gods. These Ulysses clearly sees as good qualities, but not qualities he possesses. He tells his audience that Telemachus will be good for the people and help them to become a better people, through his wisdom and patience; something Ulysses himself cannot do. It’s not his nature. It’s not who he is.
The last stanza of the poem is Ulysses appeal to his audience. Who is he addressing? Perhaps he is crying out to his sailors for one more journey…
Death closes all; but something ere the end,There are reasons to not accept the challenges that face you. There are valid reasons to stifle the cries of you heart. For Ulysses, it is old age and death. For you maybe it is poverty, your busy life, your children, your marriage, your mortgage, a phobia, a physical ailment. The list can go on forever. Ulysses acknowledged in the very beginning that he was chasing a rainbow. He did not expect to reach the end.
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
Perhaps that is part of the joy. An achievable dream has the potential to let you down, but a dream which is constantly beyond your grasp will stretch you. That might be discouraging for some people. To strive for something they will never achieve.
Maybe it would be better if we didn’t discourage ourselves. Let’s only have dreams that we can liquefy. Please, at the risk of your self-esteem, please only dream in realistic terms. Limit yourself to practical goals. Here are some ideas which should be avoided: world peace, end to hunger, health care for all humanity, cures to diseases, saving endangered species, improving job markets, ending corruption, ending inequality, religious respect and tolerance. These things YOU will never accomplish.
For the sake of you sense of self-worth which you may maintain by seeing goals accomplished, please dream about things like these: getting a raise, buying a new car every two years, saving for my daughters’ university educations, helping children at the neighborhood school learn to read, getting two new people to come to my church every year, seeing one person come to Jesus each year.
You know what, scratch that. Making goals may be too hard for some of us. Just float through life and quench all desire to dream.
Okay, enough of the farse… YOU will never cure AIDS by yourself, but if you make and achieve proper goals and surround yourself with like-minded people you WILL move closer to dream. And saving for Jenny’s education is of course a good thing, and something you should do. But let’s don’t replace goals with dreams. Don’t focus on something that is useful because that which is ideal is unattainable.
Though much is taken, much abides; and thoughLife will wear you down, but until you have breathed your last there is strength remaining in you. Focusing on what you are not will not moving into the future. Focusing on who you are in this present moment, acknowledging the strength and determination you possess will guide you into your dream.
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
(ll 65-70)
And for Christ’s sake, please, DO SOMETHING! Don’t just sit and complain. Demonstrate your passion! Show your heart. Express your life.
Something's gone rotten
“I don’t have the patience to wait for God to give me the strength to love sometimes. I try to love of my own strength. I find this tiring, futile, and altogether worthless. But as I look back on the love I’ve known in my life, I’ve always tried (at least in the beginning) to love with a love that is not of me.”
I saw these words in a blog I wrote last December. I was going through things I’ve written. These words struck me particularly. I have this one relationship that’s gone pretty sour. I’ve been trying to sort out why. Unrealistic goals, self-destructive tendencies, poor communication, blablabla… These words from December are the reason the whole mess went south. These words are the reason why any relationship goes badly. We don’t capital “L” Love. I know I wasn’t little “l” loving, but I didn’t even big “L” love…
I saw these words in a blog I wrote last December. I was going through things I’ve written. These words struck me particularly. I have this one relationship that’s gone pretty sour. I’ve been trying to sort out why. Unrealistic goals, self-destructive tendencies, poor communication, blablabla… These words from December are the reason the whole mess went south. These words are the reason why any relationship goes badly. We don’t capital “L” Love. I know I wasn’t little “l” loving, but I didn’t even big “L” love…
Monday, October 16, 2006
Some things I love
Some Things I Love
Dancing
Hearing a song that speaks to my soul
Stepping in fresh snow on a sunny day
Getting an email from someone I haven’t heard from in a while
Words that take my breath away and make me smile
Kicking up leaves with my feet
Hearing children laugh from their bellies
Seeing pictures, hearing songs, or smelling things that remind me of that perfect vacation
Getting a package from someone who loves me
An unexpected complement
Laughing till tears fall down my face
Knowing that someone has done something just for me
Feeling like I’ve accomplished something
Cooking a nice meal for someone else
Doing something for someone which I know he or she will appreciate and enjoy
Walking out of a class with a smile
A hug that squeezes the uglies away
What do you love?
Dancing
Hearing a song that speaks to my soul
Stepping in fresh snow on a sunny day
Getting an email from someone I haven’t heard from in a while
Words that take my breath away and make me smile
Kicking up leaves with my feet
Hearing children laugh from their bellies
Seeing pictures, hearing songs, or smelling things that remind me of that perfect vacation
Getting a package from someone who loves me
An unexpected complement
Laughing till tears fall down my face
Knowing that someone has done something just for me
Feeling like I’ve accomplished something
Cooking a nice meal for someone else
Doing something for someone which I know he or she will appreciate and enjoy
Walking out of a class with a smile
A hug that squeezes the uglies away
What do you love?
Saturday, October 07, 2006
bleeeh
Maybe it's the changing seasons. Maybe it's the change of pace. Maybe it's the changing me.
I just feel eh lately.
Right now, when I look outside, I can't tell if it's 7 am or 7 pm. There's a gross haze that is eerily reminiscent of winter. I hate winter. Winter makes the very fiber of my being cold and indifferent simply because every bit of energy must be allotted to keeping me physically alive -keeping my blood moving and all of my organs functioning. There is no energy for things like "care" or "motivation."
In one month this ugly haze that we have today will be trumped by little white flakes of icy misery. snow. one month. cold. ice. frozen. arctic wind. slip. broken bones. muscle aches. sickness.
okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. It's probably not going to snow for at least six weeks.
No, seriously, I'm not really that pathetic. I'm just having a bit of a low day and wanted to moan for a minute. But I feel a lot better now, since I can direct all of my negative thoughts toward winter and off of the real problems, which probably won't melt away like winter does.
AND I can focus on the good things... There are a few things that I have to look forward to, particularly my birthday and Thanksgiving.
My birthday is this month and I'll be 25. I suppose this should be some big birthday and I should mark it with serious reflection and introspection. I doubt I will. I think I thought 25 was the time when you were officially grown up. The time of playing around should be over and you should start your grown up life. wah wahhh waaah wa wahhhh. (think teacher from "Peanuts") I'll "grow up" when life calls for it. What is "grown up" anyway? No, for now, I'm going to go hang out with those friends I have who aren't going to some crazy debaucherous halloween event in my favorite BG city for some good food, good times, and goooooood dancing (i love to get my dance on).
But that's nothing. Thanksgiving is my lighthouse. This love of playing the hostess is something new to me. I don't know if it's strictly a BG thing, or if it will stay with me in the states, but in the meanwhile I'll indulge it... By again hosting a big Thanksgiving dinner. So far, including myself there are ten people sleeping in Razlog. Last year we slept seven in my flat and it was pretty crowded. There's still time for more people... I'm sure I can find places for people to sleep if they don't feel like acting the role of an overstuffed sardine in a tin similar to a cold wooden floor. In the meanwhile, I'll work out the menu, figure out when to start cooking what, and making sure everyone knows how to get here.
Last year, Thanksgiving was... unique. Somehow I had a very Dickons-y "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" kind of experience. Given everything, I'm more than eager to see each face at my home again this year. Some old things won't be here, like a wet urine-like spot on my metaphorical floor and some new things will, like taco salad. And I expect the chaos will remain. Using the radiator to keep food warm and the other room as a refrigerator... Assigning bus station duty to someone so new arrivals can end the long journey... Using the balcony as a refrigerator since the real one is too full. Juggling pots and pans so everything can get cooked. All that chaos warms my heart.
Yeah for taco salad. Yeah for metaphorical urine drying up. Yeah for friendships that are stronger than friendships. Yeah for birthdays, for food, for dancing. Yeah for change. Yeah for lessons.
I just feel eh lately.
Right now, when I look outside, I can't tell if it's 7 am or 7 pm. There's a gross haze that is eerily reminiscent of winter. I hate winter. Winter makes the very fiber of my being cold and indifferent simply because every bit of energy must be allotted to keeping me physically alive -keeping my blood moving and all of my organs functioning. There is no energy for things like "care" or "motivation."
In one month this ugly haze that we have today will be trumped by little white flakes of icy misery. snow. one month. cold. ice. frozen. arctic wind. slip. broken bones. muscle aches. sickness.
okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. It's probably not going to snow for at least six weeks.
No, seriously, I'm not really that pathetic. I'm just having a bit of a low day and wanted to moan for a minute. But I feel a lot better now, since I can direct all of my negative thoughts toward winter and off of the real problems, which probably won't melt away like winter does.
AND I can focus on the good things... There are a few things that I have to look forward to, particularly my birthday and Thanksgiving.
My birthday is this month and I'll be 25. I suppose this should be some big birthday and I should mark it with serious reflection and introspection. I doubt I will. I think I thought 25 was the time when you were officially grown up. The time of playing around should be over and you should start your grown up life. wah wahhh waaah wa wahhhh. (think teacher from "Peanuts") I'll "grow up" when life calls for it. What is "grown up" anyway? No, for now, I'm going to go hang out with those friends I have who aren't going to some crazy debaucherous halloween event in my favorite BG city for some good food, good times, and goooooood dancing (i love to get my dance on).
But that's nothing. Thanksgiving is my lighthouse. This love of playing the hostess is something new to me. I don't know if it's strictly a BG thing, or if it will stay with me in the states, but in the meanwhile I'll indulge it... By again hosting a big Thanksgiving dinner. So far, including myself there are ten people sleeping in Razlog. Last year we slept seven in my flat and it was pretty crowded. There's still time for more people... I'm sure I can find places for people to sleep if they don't feel like acting the role of an overstuffed sardine in a tin similar to a cold wooden floor. In the meanwhile, I'll work out the menu, figure out when to start cooking what, and making sure everyone knows how to get here.
Last year, Thanksgiving was... unique. Somehow I had a very Dickons-y "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" kind of experience. Given everything, I'm more than eager to see each face at my home again this year. Some old things won't be here, like a wet urine-like spot on my metaphorical floor and some new things will, like taco salad. And I expect the chaos will remain. Using the radiator to keep food warm and the other room as a refrigerator... Assigning bus station duty to someone so new arrivals can end the long journey... Using the balcony as a refrigerator since the real one is too full. Juggling pots and pans so everything can get cooked. All that chaos warms my heart.
Yeah for taco salad. Yeah for metaphorical urine drying up. Yeah for friendships that are stronger than friendships. Yeah for birthdays, for food, for dancing. Yeah for change. Yeah for lessons.
Monday, October 02, 2006
some things I've been worrking on...
This is a гоблен (goblen). It's a type of embroidery. It's my new hobby.
After I bought this little set which the shop lady said would be easy for me, I came home and ran into my land-lady. When I told her what I'd bought she insisted I see what she has embroidered. Then she came over and helped me get started. I've always hated sewing because of all the knots. With these, there are no knots! I love it! This is what I got done today!!
This is the scheme one uses to know what to embroider. Every color has a symbol. Every one square on the scheme is four little squares on my cloth. This paper is only half the scheme for my little winter scene.
And these are some peanut butter brownies I made last weekend. Although they were a little burnt, they were quite tasty.That's what I've been doing lately. Besides teaching, of course...
Blowing in the Wind
I was putting my wet clothes out on the clothes line the other day. I forget now, but it must have been cool outside. I could see the water blowing off the clothes in the wind. The sun was in just the right place, so that I could see little rainbows ribboning around my pajama pants. So I played with the continuous mode on my camera...
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