bleeeh

Maybe it's the changing seasons. Maybe it's the change of pace. Maybe it's the changing me.

I just feel eh lately.

Right now, when I look outside, I can't tell if it's 7 am or 7 pm. There's a gross haze that is eerily reminiscent of winter. I hate winter. Winter makes the very fiber of my being cold and indifferent simply because every bit of energy must be allotted to keeping me physically alive -keeping my blood moving and all of my organs functioning. There is no energy for things like "care" or "motivation."

In one month this ugly haze that we have today will be trumped by little white flakes of icy misery. snow. one month. cold. ice. frozen. arctic wind. slip. broken bones. muscle aches. sickness.

okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. It's probably not going to snow for at least six weeks.

No, seriously, I'm not really that pathetic. I'm just having a bit of a low day and wanted to moan for a minute. But I feel a lot better now, since I can direct all of my negative thoughts toward winter and off of the real problems, which probably won't melt away like winter does.

AND I can focus on the good things... There are a few things that I have to look forward to, particularly my birthday and Thanksgiving.

My birthday is this month and I'll be 25. I suppose this should be some big birthday and I should mark it with serious reflection and introspection. I doubt I will. I think I thought 25 was the time when you were officially grown up. The time of playing around should be over and you should start your grown up life. wah wahhh waaah wa wahhhh. (think teacher from "Peanuts") I'll "grow up" when life calls for it. What is "grown up" anyway? No, for now, I'm going to go hang out with those friends I have who aren't going to some crazy debaucherous halloween event in my favorite BG city for some good food, good times, and goooooood dancing (i love to get my dance on).

But that's nothing. Thanksgiving is my lighthouse. This love of playing the hostess is something new to me. I don't know if it's strictly a BG thing, or if it will stay with me in the states, but in the meanwhile I'll indulge it... By again hosting a big Thanksgiving dinner. So far, including myself there are ten people sleeping in Razlog. Last year we slept seven in my flat and it was pretty crowded. There's still time for more people... I'm sure I can find places for people to sleep if they don't feel like acting the role of an overstuffed sardine in a tin similar to a cold wooden floor. In the meanwhile, I'll work out the menu, figure out when to start cooking what, and making sure everyone knows how to get here.

Last year, Thanksgiving was... unique. Somehow I had a very Dickons-y "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" kind of experience. Given everything, I'm more than eager to see each face at my home again this year. Some old things won't be here, like a wet urine-like spot on my metaphorical floor and some new things will, like taco salad. And I expect the chaos will remain. Using the radiator to keep food warm and the other room as a refrigerator... Assigning bus station duty to someone so new arrivals can end the long journey... Using the balcony as a refrigerator since the real one is too full. Juggling pots and pans so everything can get cooked. All that chaos warms my heart.

Yeah for taco salad. Yeah for metaphorical urine drying up. Yeah for friendships that are stronger than friendships. Yeah for birthdays, for food, for dancing. Yeah for change. Yeah for lessons.