I got a package of books today. And some pictures. My brother's senior portraits. One picture taken just a few days before I left the sweet motherland- some kiddie portaits, by that I mean me and the kids. Teehee. Me and my brother and sister. A picture of Erik shaking his principal's hand, wearing that bright blue robe. Ah, graduation.
Back to the books. A few books from my mom. I'd asked her to send me a couple books I had at home, The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis and Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot. I just had a cup of coffee, so I may end up reading all of Elliot's book tonight. I've read it once before, but that was at a very different time and place in my life, physically and spiritually. It's not the most intellectual book I've ever read (and that's saying something if I'm saying it), but it's such a great romance, and so honestly written. Here's a little quote: "Waiting silently is the hardest thing of all... But the things we feel the most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God." I'm crummy at that. Absolutely crummy. I have this deep need to be understood, not just to talk and comunicate, but to know that someone truely understands me. The more people the better.
I'm for sure going to observe lent this year. Turns out you're supposed to fast on Ash Wednesday, not eat meat on Fridays, don't have to do the "giving up" on Sundays, and on errr Good Friday again to fast? I read that for Lenten fasting you can have one normal meal and two small snacks as long as they are not big enough combined to be one meal. And meat free days, well, you can have fish, margarine, dairy, meat juices, even gravy w/ little bitty chunks of meat. I'm pretty sure that I'll follow my fasting rules for fasting days: no food, only juices for energy/ sugar; and for meat free days, I'll revert to vegetarian days where I ate dairy, but steered clear of anything blatenlty meat or with meat, i.e. something made with beef bouillon is still beef and gravy is WAY meat.
I haven't really fasted at all in a while, so this should be interesting. I'm a bit excited. I'm also excited that there are other people here in country doing this too. Ah Bulgaria, how you've changed my life. I'm not Catholic, but Lent isn't a concept contrived by the Catholic church, even though most Americans see it that way. Even so, my notion of fasting is a bit different perhaps. I grew up raised to think fasting should be tough, like nearly impossible so that you have to REALLY lean on God tough. The goal is to be closer to God. You should not whine or complain, if possible don't even talk about it, in order to avoid martyr syndrome. But there should always be someone who will hold you accountable to your fast, and to encourage you in it.
I mentioned a box of books right? Well, I was thinking yesterday about giving up TV for Lent. Then when that box of books came in (from my sister Susan Barber at Christ Church - YEAH for Susan, the only person beside my mom who ever sends me stuff and we weren't even that close!!!!) I took it as clear confirmation that I should be wasting less time and spending more time in devotion (and lesson planning). So with this slew of books, I should have plenty to do the next 40 not Sunday days (btw, I'm not going to watch TV on Sundays even though it's allowed, because well, I don't reckon watching TV is really participating in the celebration of the ressurrection of Christ). I don't think that not turning on the TV will be so difficult; rather, the difficulty lies in being faithful to the logic behind it. The fasting and meatless days might be a challenge, but I WELCOME the challenge. Bring it on. Let's gitterdone!
aigh, i'm gonna have me a lil snackche, watch my last few bits of TV, and dig back into some good reads. oh, and plan lessons, why do i keep forgetting that part?
oh, the ucky day part: the weather here is miserable. I waded home in two inches of SLUSH. It rained, sleeted, snowed, rained, snowed, sleeted all day. It was gross. good day: I GOT A PACKAGE!!
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
"The Man Came Around
Steve Beard on Johnny Cash on National Review Online - An interesting article on the legacy of Johnny Cash.
"then the sherriff he come too, and he said, 'Sam, how're you?' And I said, 'Well sherriff, how are you? Damn your eyes.' My name is Samuel Samuel."
Okay, I think that song is just too funny!
Anyone have any insights on the allusions on the song, "The Man Comes Around"? I get the ladder, and the virgins, and I know the thornbush thing is from a dream he had while in England, and some of it is from Revelations. But I'm not too clear on a lot of the images. Each of you pick one and expand on it here please. This is for a participation grade. ;) leka friends. i'm done!
"then the sherriff he come too, and he said, 'Sam, how're you?' And I said, 'Well sherriff, how are you? Damn your eyes.' My name is Samuel Samuel."
Okay, I think that song is just too funny!
Anyone have any insights on the allusions on the song, "The Man Comes Around"? I get the ladder, and the virgins, and I know the thornbush thing is from a dream he had while in England, and some of it is from Revelations. But I'm not too clear on a lot of the images. Each of you pick one and expand on it here please. This is for a participation grade. ;) leka friends. i'm done!
am i desperado? naaahhhh
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now.
Oh, you're a hard one,
But I know that you've got your reasons.
These things that are pleasin' you,
Can hurt you somehow.
Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy,
She'll beat you if she's able.
Know the queen of hearts is always your best bet.
Now it seems to me, some fine things,
Have been laid upon your table.
But you only want the things that you can't get.
Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger:
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home.
And freedom, oh freedom,
Well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking,
Through this world all alone.
And don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow, the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're loosin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling,
Goes away?
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, and open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you,
You better let somebody love you,
You better let somebody love you,
You better let somebody love you,
Before it's too late.
Lyrics source plus audio
"Your prison is walking through this world all alone." That's a scary thought. I went to dinner with my sitemate tonight. We talked about some scary things. Mothers in menopause. Mothers mourning mothers. Us mourning mothers. Us mourning siblings. Us being sent home. We didn't talk about it, but me being here in this town alone is a scary thought to me, even though I pretty well love my site. Being alone is scary. It's frightening to not have someone to share me with. What's really scary is having to help people rediscover me when I get back to America. Being so distant in so many ways has helped to draw my mother and me closer. But I regret to say that probably all of my other relationships have deteriorated. My brother and sister, my best friends. I don't know. Perhaps they have stepped back to keep themselves "safe." I don't so much blame them. I have missed very important events in there lives. His first graduation, her first graduation, his first triathlon, her brother died. her dog got sick. his dog died. stuff. stuff that is hard to go through. stuff that piece by piece changes us.
Anyway. It seems like there was more I've been thinking about. I was approached about lent today. I've never really done lent. I've done full food fasts for short periods of time. I've done long fasts from certain things before, but never followed the Catholic calender and rules before. I'm thinking about giving up everything that comes out of my TV. I'm not sure if that means other people's TVs, and I'm pretty sure it won't mean anything on my laptop, as I don't really watch many movies or anything on here. I don't know. I'll surely miss McLeod's Daughters and Meet the Barkers. But as my grandpa would say, they aren't really very edifying anywho.
"the virgins are all trimming their wicks."
You been out ridin' fences for so long now.
Oh, you're a hard one,
But I know that you've got your reasons.
These things that are pleasin' you,
Can hurt you somehow.
Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy,
She'll beat you if she's able.
Know the queen of hearts is always your best bet.
Now it seems to me, some fine things,
Have been laid upon your table.
But you only want the things that you can't get.
Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger:
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home.
And freedom, oh freedom,
Well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking,
Through this world all alone.
And don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow, the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're loosin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling,
Goes away?
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, and open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you,
You better let somebody love you,
You better let somebody love you,
You better let somebody love you,
Before it's too late.
Lyrics source plus audio
"Your prison is walking through this world all alone." That's a scary thought. I went to dinner with my sitemate tonight. We talked about some scary things. Mothers in menopause. Mothers mourning mothers. Us mourning mothers. Us mourning siblings. Us being sent home. We didn't talk about it, but me being here in this town alone is a scary thought to me, even though I pretty well love my site. Being alone is scary. It's frightening to not have someone to share me with. What's really scary is having to help people rediscover me when I get back to America. Being so distant in so many ways has helped to draw my mother and me closer. But I regret to say that probably all of my other relationships have deteriorated. My brother and sister, my best friends. I don't know. Perhaps they have stepped back to keep themselves "safe." I don't so much blame them. I have missed very important events in there lives. His first graduation, her first graduation, his first triathlon, her brother died. her dog got sick. his dog died. stuff. stuff that is hard to go through. stuff that piece by piece changes us.
Anyway. It seems like there was more I've been thinking about. I was approached about lent today. I've never really done lent. I've done full food fasts for short periods of time. I've done long fasts from certain things before, but never followed the Catholic calender and rules before. I'm thinking about giving up everything that comes out of my TV. I'm not sure if that means other people's TVs, and I'm pretty sure it won't mean anything on my laptop, as I don't really watch many movies or anything on here. I don't know. I'll surely miss McLeod's Daughters and Meet the Barkers. But as my grandpa would say, they aren't really very edifying anywho.
"the virgins are all trimming their wicks."
Sunday, February 26, 2006
tortured tangled hearts
I've been reading Cold Mountain which is a terribly tragic story. I just finished the part where Ada's father tells Ada how he met her mother. He tells her a story of jilted love, bitterness, a life spent, and then a second life. He tells the story of a love that was worth waiting for, fighting for, and dying for. It was a sad story.
I watched Walk the Line today, the new Johnny Cash film. Another love story, yet this time not so tragic. There is a piece of me that longs for tragic romance. Perhaps it's the drama queen in me. I want that love that is proven and purified like silver in the white hot fire. Something that's been made stronger through trials and tough times. Now, I'm no angel. I'm no June Carter. I don't want no crack heads. I'd prefer not to have to see you through detox. But there is something so beautiful about a love that's been tempered like that.
I figured out how to play this movie which took several strokes of genious or good luck, one. I thought I was doing pretty well for myself. Then my dad tried to hook me up with a few clips of my puppy playing around. Well, that's when my codecs luck ran out on me! Poor meggy has clips of her puppy and can't watch'em. The camera my folks use apperently uses a codec that they've written just for that camera, or that brand. So unless my parents can figure out how to change it, or I can get the software to work on my computer, I'm out of luck. I JUST WANNA SEE MY PUPPY!!! not fair! A girl caint win fer losin!
I watched Walk the Line today, the new Johnny Cash film. Another love story, yet this time not so tragic. There is a piece of me that longs for tragic romance. Perhaps it's the drama queen in me. I want that love that is proven and purified like silver in the white hot fire. Something that's been made stronger through trials and tough times. Now, I'm no angel. I'm no June Carter. I don't want no crack heads. I'd prefer not to have to see you through detox. But there is something so beautiful about a love that's been tempered like that.
I figured out how to play this movie which took several strokes of genious or good luck, one. I thought I was doing pretty well for myself. Then my dad tried to hook me up with a few clips of my puppy playing around. Well, that's when my codecs luck ran out on me! Poor meggy has clips of her puppy and can't watch'em. The camera my folks use apperently uses a codec that they've written just for that camera, or that brand. So unless my parents can figure out how to change it, or I can get the software to work on my computer, I'm out of luck. I JUST WANNA SEE MY PUPPY!!! not fair! A girl caint win fer losin!
Saturday, February 25, 2006
bored on a saturday night
I, like usual, am spending my weekend on my lazy bum watching TV and reading. MTV is playing POD's new song. It makes me miss church. That, and chatting with a friend from home with whom I've been out of touch for several years compound my normal "missing home" feelings. I tried cooking something to make myself feel better. It worked and it didn't work. I tried my hand at barbecue sauce. Here were the ingredients: tomato puree, brown sugar, apple vinegar, beer, salt, pepper, onions, garlic, a dash of Worcestershire sauce, and some chunks of chicken breasts. Oh and just for kicks, I threw in some dried chili seeds. I let it brew all night in the crock pot. When I woke up at six am I unplugged it. Oh yes. I woke up at six am. I was not pleased. I took my three ibuprofen, made some tea, and sat on my winter bed and wished I could be watching the Today Show rather than some silly program on Animal Planet. I was also wishing I could be cuddling my puppy or having my mom rub my back. I was wishing I could send my mom to WalMart for some of those hot packs that you put on your back or on your front. I loved those things... I'm one of those that find heat therapeutic, so they were very nice.
Um, so Friday is the day Bulgarians celebrate freedom from 500 years of the Turkish yoke (oppression). I'll be celebrating a day off of the teacher's yoke! A couple of other volunteers will be crashing here and doing some skiing in Bansko. I was talking with Lucia last night and how we both wanted to do some discoing. So I've convinced her to come down here this weekend and disco with me! Chrissy and Joe were kind enough to insist I wouldn't be a fifth wheel on their evening adventures in Bansko and with Lucia along, they won't feel like they have to include me or whatever. Okay, I have no concerns for them, I just wanted Lucia down here. and any other bootie shakers who want to spend the long weekend in Bansko and Razlog. Maybe we can get the illusive miss Clark, aka, american chalga princess! I'm waiting for her to get me a banski connection. I don't mean swimsuit kiddos.
I love my stat counter, but I have to say, too many of you darlings simply skip past my blog without leaving your two cents. Now, this is a tragedy for many reasons. First, I don't get to meet you! Second, you are denying a terrific conversation the chance to be born. Third, by putting your online self out here you can maximize the hittage on your blog (as long as there's a link through your profile or somewhere). I know you're out there! Some of you are friends or family of other volunteers (or are volunteers). Some of you are fellow Middle Tennesseans. I'm pretty sure one of you was a college roommie of mine! Come on guys! Can't you see I'm lonely?! Leave me some comments! Don't let me wallow in this isolation!
Okay, enough useless rambling. have a good weekend!
Um, so Friday is the day Bulgarians celebrate freedom from 500 years of the Turkish yoke (oppression). I'll be celebrating a day off of the teacher's yoke! A couple of other volunteers will be crashing here and doing some skiing in Bansko. I was talking with Lucia last night and how we both wanted to do some discoing. So I've convinced her to come down here this weekend and disco with me! Chrissy and Joe were kind enough to insist I wouldn't be a fifth wheel on their evening adventures in Bansko and with Lucia along, they won't feel like they have to include me or whatever. Okay, I have no concerns for them, I just wanted Lucia down here. and any other bootie shakers who want to spend the long weekend in Bansko and Razlog. Maybe we can get the illusive miss Clark, aka, american chalga princess! I'm waiting for her to get me a banski connection. I don't mean swimsuit kiddos.
I love my stat counter, but I have to say, too many of you darlings simply skip past my blog without leaving your two cents. Now, this is a tragedy for many reasons. First, I don't get to meet you! Second, you are denying a terrific conversation the chance to be born. Third, by putting your online self out here you can maximize the hittage on your blog (as long as there's a link through your profile or somewhere). I know you're out there! Some of you are friends or family of other volunteers (or are volunteers). Some of you are fellow Middle Tennesseans. I'm pretty sure one of you was a college roommie of mine! Come on guys! Can't you see I'm lonely?! Leave me some comments! Don't let me wallow in this isolation!
Okay, enough useless rambling. have a good weekend!
bored on a saturday night
I, like usual, am spending my weekend on my lazy bum watching TV and reading. MTV is playing POD's new song. It makes me miss church. That, and chatting with a friend from home with whom I've been out of touch for several years compound my normal "missing home" feelings. I tried cooking something to make myself feel better. It worked and it didn't work. I tried my hand at barbecue sauce. Here were the ingredients: tomato puree, brown sugar, apple vinegar, beer, salt, pepper, onions, garlic, a dash of Worcestershire sauce, and some chunks of chicken breasts. Oh and just for kicks, I threw in some dried chili seeds. I let it brew all night in the crock pot. When I woke up at six am I unplugged it. Oh yes. I woke up at six am. I was not pleased. I took my three ibuprofen, made some tea, and sat on my winter bed and wished I could be watching the Today Show rather than some silly program on Animal Planet. I was also wishing I could be cuddling my puppy or having my mom rub my back. I was wishing I could send my mom to WalMart for some of those hot packs that you put on your back or on your front. I loved those things... I'm one of those that find heat therapeutic, so they were very nice.
Um, so Friday is the day Bulgarians celebrate freedom from 500 years of the Turkish yoke (oppression). I'll be celebrating a day off of the teacher's yoke! A couple of other volunteers will be crashing here and doing some skiing in Bansko. I was talking with Lucia last night and how we both wanted to do some discoing. So I've convinced her to come down here this weekend and disco with me! Chrissy and Joe were kind enough to insist I wouldn't be a fifth wheel on their evening adventures in Bansko and with Lucia along, they won't feel like they have to include me or whatever. Okay, I have no concerns for them, I just wanted Lucia down here. and any other bootie shakers who want to spend the long weekend in Bansko and Razlog. Maybe we can get the illusive miss Clark, aka, american chalga princess! I'm waiting for her to get me a banski connection. I don't mean swimsuit kiddos.
I love my stat counter, but I have to say, too many of you darlings simply skip past my blog without leaving your two cents. Now, this is a tragedy for many reasons. First, I don't get to meet you! Second, you are denying a terrific conversation the chance to be born. Third, by putting your online self out here you can maximize the hittage on your blog (as long as there's a link through your profile or somewhere). I know you're out there! Some of you are friends or family of other volunteers (or are volunteers). Some of you are fellow Middle Tennesseans. I'm pretty sure one of you was a college roommie of mine! Come on guys! Can't you see I'm lonely?! Leave me some comments! Don't let me wallow in this isolation!
Okay, enough useless rambling. have a good weekend!
Um, so Friday is the day Bulgarians celebrate freedom from 500 years of the Turkish yoke (oppression). I'll be celebrating a day off of the teacher's yoke! A couple of other volunteers will be crashing here and doing some skiing in Bansko. I was talking with Lucia last night and how we both wanted to do some discoing. So I've convinced her to come down here this weekend and disco with me! Chrissy and Joe were kind enough to insist I wouldn't be a fifth wheel on their evening adventures in Bansko and with Lucia along, they won't feel like they have to include me or whatever. Okay, I have no concerns for them, I just wanted Lucia down here. and any other bootie shakers who want to spend the long weekend in Bansko and Razlog. Maybe we can get the illusive miss Clark, aka, american chalga princess! I'm waiting for her to get me a banski connection. I don't mean swimsuit kiddos.
I love my stat counter, but I have to say, too many of you darlings simply skip past my blog without leaving your two cents. Now, this is a tragedy for many reasons. First, I don't get to meet you! Second, you are denying a terrific conversation the chance to be born. Third, by putting your online self out here you can maximize the hittage on your blog (as long as there's a link through your profile or somewhere). I know you're out there! Some of you are friends or family of other volunteers (or are volunteers). Some of you are fellow Middle Tennesseans. I'm pretty sure one of you was a college roommie of mine! Come on guys! Can't you see I'm lonely?! Leave me some comments! Don't let me wallow in this isolation!
Okay, enough useless rambling. have a good weekend!
Thursday, February 23, 2006
More Murder in Bulgaria
NEW PUBLIC MURDER IN BULGARIA AFTER A PERIOD OF CALM - Bulgaria Abroad news
The mob strikes again in Bulgaria...
The mob strikes again in Bulgaria...
:(
It is a strange time of year for this type of announcement, but I’m feeling quite homesick. We here in South West Bulgaria are finding ourselves from amidst the snow and ice. I can almost see the cherry blossoms coming out. The trash fire haze is beginning to ebb leaving a clear view of the once fog- and smog-obstructed mountains. But somehow I long to be home. I’m not so much lonely. And it’s not from boredom. I just really want to be home. I miss my family, not in an “I need my family to support me emotionally way,” but in an “I miss my family” kind of way. There is a small hint of regret for all the things I am missing at home. I missed my brother’s high school graduation. I missed seeing him finish his first triathlon. I will miss my sister’s last two years of high school. I won’t be able to help her through all the drama that is your senior year. I won’t get to see her off to her senior prom. I will miss her high school graduation as well.
I think part of it has to do with that feeling of being in a place where you know you are so deeply and unequivocally loved. I know that some of the relationships I have made in the Peace Corps are strong like family. I look at some of these people as my brothers and sisters. I can’t imagine my life without them. But they don’t live with me everyday. The best I can get is a little chatche, a few lines on the IM. I miss coming home to something besides the residue of myself. Everything in my flat smells of me or the rot that I have left behind. Every trinket was given to me, and anything not given to me was bought by me. I want other people’s things. I want to see someone else’s mess. Is that strange? Maybe it is loneliness after all. I just miss something other, someone else. I miss my doggie. I miss being able to relish the hour or two of quiet time when the house was abandoned, knowing that I would be disturbed by the chaos of our 8 living bodies coexisting under one roof. I miss feeling sad and saying, “mommy hold you” and knowing that while nothing was fixed, I was loved and comforted – that someone else saw the pain on my face, felt the ache in my muscles, and hurt with me.
Here I am, with nothing broken, but feeling so homesick. Actually, I’m probably at the most emotionally stable place I’ve been since I got to this country. Perhaps I just have nothing else to worry about, but I just can’t stop thinking about home.
I think part of it has to do with that feeling of being in a place where you know you are so deeply and unequivocally loved. I know that some of the relationships I have made in the Peace Corps are strong like family. I look at some of these people as my brothers and sisters. I can’t imagine my life without them. But they don’t live with me everyday. The best I can get is a little chatche, a few lines on the IM. I miss coming home to something besides the residue of myself. Everything in my flat smells of me or the rot that I have left behind. Every trinket was given to me, and anything not given to me was bought by me. I want other people’s things. I want to see someone else’s mess. Is that strange? Maybe it is loneliness after all. I just miss something other, someone else. I miss my doggie. I miss being able to relish the hour or two of quiet time when the house was abandoned, knowing that I would be disturbed by the chaos of our 8 living bodies coexisting under one roof. I miss feeling sad and saying, “mommy hold you” and knowing that while nothing was fixed, I was loved and comforted – that someone else saw the pain on my face, felt the ache in my muscles, and hurt with me.
Here I am, with nothing broken, but feeling so homesick. Actually, I’m probably at the most emotionally stable place I’ve been since I got to this country. Perhaps I just have nothing else to worry about, but I just can’t stop thinking about home.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
just grow where you're dropped
This is the conclusion to my last post. Here's where I run my mouth because no one else will - not on my site anyway. Oh, but before I do, I just want to say BETH!! I MISS YOU!! It was sosoSOso good to see you are reading my blog! I miss you miss bef!!
Can you grow where you've been dropped? What does that mean anyhow? I reckon that Ruby would like for us to know that our experiences in life prepare us for what is next. Those experiences may not be pleasant. Actually they may be quite similar to avian fecal matter. Like manure to a seed, our experiences give nutrition to our souls causing us to grow and become stronger and healthier.
And here's where I digress... You are a beautiful young oak sapling that's been through a few nasty storms, maybe your being planted went roughly. However, you can't see the strength that is waiting inside you. You can't see past your history, always looking back. You admire your scars because it's easier than leaning towards the future. You will not keep growing forever. You have to accept your past and grow from it. You can't stay in it, and you can't deny it. It's a tough line to walk, perhaps. No one ever said being a tree was easy though.
Can you grow where you've been dropped? What does that mean anyhow? I reckon that Ruby would like for us to know that our experiences in life prepare us for what is next. Those experiences may not be pleasant. Actually they may be quite similar to avian fecal matter. Like manure to a seed, our experiences give nutrition to our souls causing us to grow and become stronger and healthier.
And here's where I digress... You are a beautiful young oak sapling that's been through a few nasty storms, maybe your being planted went roughly. However, you can't see the strength that is waiting inside you. You can't see past your history, always looking back. You admire your scars because it's easier than leaning towards the future. You will not keep growing forever. You have to accept your past and grow from it. You can't stay in it, and you can't deny it. It's a tough line to walk, perhaps. No one ever said being a tree was easy though.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
am i the bird or its droppings?
“Don’t act so proud about it, Ruby said. In her view that’s where the answer to this issue might lie. Every little dogwood can’t grow up right where it falls under the big dogwood. Being rooted, they use the birds to move themselves around to more likely ground. Birds eat berries, and the seeds come through whole and unmarred, ready to grow where dropped, already dressed with manure. It was Ruby’s opinion that if a person puzzled all this out over time, she might also find a lesson somewhere in it, for much of creation worked by such method and to such ends.”
From Cold Mountain by Charles Frazier
So, here’s where Meggi’s blogche gets interactive. Tell me what is the lesson? Can you expand on this metaphor? Give me your interpretation in a comment!
From Cold Mountain by Charles Frazier
So, here’s where Meggi’s blogche gets interactive. Tell me what is the lesson? Can you expand on this metaphor? Give me your interpretation in a comment!
Saturday, February 18, 2006
time to brag
I just want to brag for a minute.
But first, I want to brag on someone else. Go to Sarah's blog and see her great pics. I made that star durring PDM because Rachel wasn't a team player and Sarah didn't take the activity seriously. ;)
I want to brag on my students. I pretty much have good kids, but I will unabashedly say that my ocmi-a class is my favorite. These kids are in their first year of intensive English. They have 20 hours of English classes a week. I have them for eight of those hours. These kids crack me up. They are a rowdy bunch, but in a very friendly, fun way. They get out of control, and they play me! They have discovered that we can abandon the book if they redirect the class in another direction. What can I say? I'm a sucker for kids who are eager to learn and display their English language skills (or numchuck skills, computer hacking skills...). Friday, one of my boys came to me to ask if I had class that period. I didn't, and neither did they. So he asked me to go to the gym with them so they could play soccer, since they couldn't be up there unattended. As I was up there watching them, I realized what good kids they are. They have a free period in the middle of the day and they choose to play soccer. They could have been out smoking or causing some kind of general trouble.
Here's another fun story about my ocmi ah-ers. Today was the "english olympics" at my school. I went early, had coffee with the other English teachers and got my dictation for the 12 grade (which consisted of 8 girls - a low turnout in my opinion). I was walking down the hallway with the other English teacher who handles these little crazies with me. She goes into their room and wishes them luck. I peek in the door and before I get a chance to say anything they cheer. They were excited that I was there. It made my morning. These kids are great. They drive me nuts at least once a day. They don't always listen, and they don't have enough "respect," but they are good and smart and motivated. They are the reason Peace Corps is in Bulgaria. Maybe my presence here will stave off their disenchantment a little. Maybe some of these kids will see something differently because "that American girl," a title which I usually abhor, saw something different in them. I don't know but I'm proud to be working with them!!
But first, I want to brag on someone else. Go to Sarah's blog and see her great pics. I made that star durring PDM because Rachel wasn't a team player and Sarah didn't take the activity seriously. ;)
I want to brag on my students. I pretty much have good kids, but I will unabashedly say that my ocmi-a class is my favorite. These kids are in their first year of intensive English. They have 20 hours of English classes a week. I have them for eight of those hours. These kids crack me up. They are a rowdy bunch, but in a very friendly, fun way. They get out of control, and they play me! They have discovered that we can abandon the book if they redirect the class in another direction. What can I say? I'm a sucker for kids who are eager to learn and display their English language skills (or numchuck skills, computer hacking skills...). Friday, one of my boys came to me to ask if I had class that period. I didn't, and neither did they. So he asked me to go to the gym with them so they could play soccer, since they couldn't be up there unattended. As I was up there watching them, I realized what good kids they are. They have a free period in the middle of the day and they choose to play soccer. They could have been out smoking or causing some kind of general trouble.
Here's another fun story about my ocmi ah-ers. Today was the "english olympics" at my school. I went early, had coffee with the other English teachers and got my dictation for the 12 grade (which consisted of 8 girls - a low turnout in my opinion). I was walking down the hallway with the other English teacher who handles these little crazies with me. She goes into their room and wishes them luck. I peek in the door and before I get a chance to say anything they cheer. They were excited that I was there. It made my morning. These kids are great. They drive me nuts at least once a day. They don't always listen, and they don't have enough "respect," but they are good and smart and motivated. They are the reason Peace Corps is in Bulgaria. Maybe my presence here will stave off their disenchantment a little. Maybe some of these kids will see something differently because "that American girl," a title which I usually abhor, saw something different in them. I don't know but I'm proud to be working with them!!
random thoughts on a sunny saturday
I tried posting a blog a few days ago and dernt Blogger ate it up and spat it out! Ah well, ксмет (luck, destiny), what can you do? It was a sad and dreary post anyway. I was having a sad and dreary day as a result of the never ending winter, multiple accounts of bad news which will directly and indirectly affect me (more info on that as it actualizes).
Speaking of never ending winter, it’s a B-E-A-YOUUUU-tiful day today! I was at school this morning (yes, on a Saturday morning) for the “English Olympics.” The snow was melting off the roof and the wind was whipping the water against the windows. It sounded like a terrible storm. When the wind is idle, it is nearly warm outside. Just to guess, I’m sure it’s above 10C today. If it weren’t for the melted snow and slush everywhere (and ice in the shade, yet) I’d go for a walk. And if I weren’t a lazy bum! I just discovered that for once this winter, Bulgaria is having a better day than Nashville! MOOOOOOHAHAHAHAHAHA! I hear you've got freezing rain right at 32F! We have sunny, cloudless skies! Score one for Bulgaria!
One of my good friends is going through a drama like I went through not too long ago and it makes me realize a couple of things. People really aren’t that different. Women have trust issues; either they trust too easily to feel validated, or they are scared to death of trusting. Men have self issues; they’ll do anything to keep self looking good, not thinking about how their lies and untruths and not-quite-the-whole-stories will be aired out eventually. It boils down to one thing – we have a terribly hard time being honest with ourselves. How can I expect you to be honest with me when you can’t be honest with yourself? Fine, I forgive you, all of you men, for not being honest with yourselves nor with me. I’ll forgive you for the hurt that has caused me, the scars that I’ve been left with. But don’t expect me to trust you. And here the cycle is revealed! Women have trust issues because men aren’t honest. Ах божичко! I know there are good guys out there. I don’t know many of them. But I trust they exist. I even trust that there is one for me.
Oh, here’s a funny – I was recently making fun of my mom’s laugh because it cracked Lucia up. Actually, it started by me making fun of the fact that I have begun to laugh, occasionally, like my mother. I think that the rapid deterioration of my lung quality (because of this terrible Bulgarian quasi-air) has brought on the same wheeziness to my deep, hardy laugh that my mother so fabulously personifies. So, Lucia took a clip of it. Thanks to the wonderful world of Google, I can paste the code into my HTML and smack! there’s the clip. Lucia uploaded the clip, Google verified it, I googled it, and now here we are! Google is hosting my images for me. Isn’t it fantastic? Enjoy.
Speaking of never ending winter, it’s a B-E-A-YOUUUU-tiful day today! I was at school this morning (yes, on a Saturday morning) for the “English Olympics.” The snow was melting off the roof and the wind was whipping the water against the windows. It sounded like a terrible storm. When the wind is idle, it is nearly warm outside. Just to guess, I’m sure it’s above 10C today. If it weren’t for the melted snow and slush everywhere (and ice in the shade, yet) I’d go for a walk. And if I weren’t a lazy bum! I just discovered that for once this winter, Bulgaria is having a better day than Nashville! MOOOOOOHAHAHAHAHAHA! I hear you've got freezing rain right at 32F! We have sunny, cloudless skies! Score one for Bulgaria!
One of my good friends is going through a drama like I went through not too long ago and it makes me realize a couple of things. People really aren’t that different. Women have trust issues; either they trust too easily to feel validated, or they are scared to death of trusting. Men have self issues; they’ll do anything to keep self looking good, not thinking about how their lies and untruths and not-quite-the-whole-stories will be aired out eventually. It boils down to one thing – we have a terribly hard time being honest with ourselves. How can I expect you to be honest with me when you can’t be honest with yourself? Fine, I forgive you, all of you men, for not being honest with yourselves nor with me. I’ll forgive you for the hurt that has caused me, the scars that I’ve been left with. But don’t expect me to trust you. And here the cycle is revealed! Women have trust issues because men aren’t honest. Ах божичко! I know there are good guys out there. I don’t know many of them. But I trust they exist. I even trust that there is one for me.
Oh, here’s a funny – I was recently making fun of my mom’s laugh because it cracked Lucia up. Actually, it started by me making fun of the fact that I have begun to laugh, occasionally, like my mother. I think that the rapid deterioration of my lung quality (because of this terrible Bulgarian quasi-air) has brought on the same wheeziness to my deep, hardy laugh that my mother so fabulously personifies. So, Lucia took a clip of it. Thanks to the wonderful world of Google, I can paste the code into my HTML and smack! there’s the clip. Lucia uploaded the clip, Google verified it, I googled it, and now here we are! Google is hosting my images for me. Isn’t it fantastic? Enjoy.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Thank God I Still Have a Home!!
Wednesdays are my late days. I don't have class until 10:30, so I can sleep in, then make myself a cup of coffee. I of course did this today, since it's Wednesday. I turned my little burner to it's only setting, high, made my coffee, and turned it off. Went about my morning business, and went to school. After school I had my English for teachers class, then I tutored one of my students. I got home a bit after four. When I walked through my front door I thought, "That's funny, it smells like my baba is baking, but why didn't I notice it downstairs, and why would she be baking when her brother died today?" I realized after walking into my room that the smell was from my stove. I don't know how I managed to do it, but my big burner had been on high all day. EKE! There was a frying pan on the oven with nothing but a wooden spoon in it. Thank God I hadn't left a towel or something on the oven! I can't imagine burning my house down!
I was scolded for not kindly receiving Valentine's day greetings with zest yesterday morning. While yes, I can see the rudeness in not accepting someone's well wishes. However I had just rolled out of bed. I mean, I hadn't even brushed my teeth yet! You know, I realize I'm not the nicest person in the world. Far from it really. But I won't make apologies for being real. I have, over the years of "growing up" gotten a better grip on my tongue, although I'm no where near controlled. I just have this compulsive need to make sure people understand how I feel. If I don't want to have a happy Valentine's day, I'll tell you. If I don't think I really do have nice hair or if I don't feel pretty today, I'll "bah" in the face of your complement. I'm not trying to be insensitive, but let's face it, if I'm cranky I'm not gonna want your niceties.
I feel bad. I should be more considerate. I should come out of my bubble and accept what's given to me and be grateful for the kindness in the hand that blesses me. I should be grateful rather than make them focus on my mood. It's not all about me, remember?
I busted out my YakTraks this week. There's been snow on the ground for a week and a half. As it thaws for a moment, then refreezes, it becomes slippery ice. It looks hideous, those green things around my black boots. But I'm not slipping around anymore. Quite stable actually.
That's all I've got for today. Oh, mommy, I reckon they were from TJ Maxx or Goodie's or some place like that around the first of March, extra cheap. I'm out playaz!
I was scolded for not kindly receiving Valentine's day greetings with zest yesterday morning. While yes, I can see the rudeness in not accepting someone's well wishes. However I had just rolled out of bed. I mean, I hadn't even brushed my teeth yet! You know, I realize I'm not the nicest person in the world. Far from it really. But I won't make apologies for being real. I have, over the years of "growing up" gotten a better grip on my tongue, although I'm no where near controlled. I just have this compulsive need to make sure people understand how I feel. If I don't want to have a happy Valentine's day, I'll tell you. If I don't think I really do have nice hair or if I don't feel pretty today, I'll "bah" in the face of your complement. I'm not trying to be insensitive, but let's face it, if I'm cranky I'm not gonna want your niceties.
I feel bad. I should be more considerate. I should come out of my bubble and accept what's given to me and be grateful for the kindness in the hand that blesses me. I should be grateful rather than make them focus on my mood. It's not all about me, remember?
I busted out my YakTraks this week. There's been snow on the ground for a week and a half. As it thaws for a moment, then refreezes, it becomes slippery ice. It looks hideous, those green things around my black boots. But I'm not slipping around anymore. Quite stable actually.
That's all I've got for today. Oh, mommy, I reckon they were from TJ Maxx or Goodie's or some place like that around the first of March, extra cheap. I'm out playaz!
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Happy valentine's day and crap like that
I just want to quickly review the highs and lows of my not yet completed day:
1st Period - One of my worst students punched a girl hard in the arm in a not playing fashion, when she turned to accost him, he made a threatening posture and called her a kutchka. He refused to leave my class, telling me in clear English that he didn't understand me and could I please translate.
2nd + 3rd Periods - With my favorite, 8a. In honor of St. Valentine's day, we wrote letters to our valentines. He or she could be fictional, a star, or real. He/She could remain nameless. I have a group of 4 boys in that class who'd like to kill me. They are just rambunctious boys with generally good hearts. I love them to death, but they are quite disturbing. They frequently distract me from teaching like they do eachother from learning. Well, as I was reading their paragraphs one called me to ask how to translate "tup tup." I look at the sentence, "When I see you, my heart goes tup tup inside me." OHHHH HOW PRECIOUS!! The one sitting next to him said something equally sweet (for an 8th grade boy writing in a foreign language), "The first time I saw you, the world stopped." I remarked on the sweetness of this, and he looks at the other boys in the little clickche and said, "taka e." oh. These guys give me hope. Please world, don't corrupt these boys who have feelings and sentimentality. Please, let them maintain a small piece of innocence and love and beauty and romance.
I'm not much of a romantic in the modern sense of the word. I don't really care for wasteful shows of affection just for the sake of it, especially forced ones like Valentine's Day. But between my friend who yesterday reminded me that there are still sensitive, unmanipulative, and caring men in the world, and my boys today who reminded me that boys weren't born stupid, but that the world drains them of all sensitivity, I feel pretty blessed in that Valentine's Day kinda way... At least, as much as I can be as I sit in my messy apartment, alone.
oh, so...
4th P. BREAK!!
5th P. 10b. These kids are smart, but never want to work, except for a small handful. When they wouldn't be quiet long enough for me to tell them about Valentine's Day in the states, I decided that today would be a good day for a listening test. I went overboard and let them listen to the text 4 times. It wasn't really a test, as they talked to each other. I'll be honest, I'm not a big fan of tests, as they encourage a useless style of learning (rote memory and regurgitation of facts). I'm just so tired of them sitting in small groups and, while not really distracting those who want to learn, not doing ANYTHING. When I was in HS and didn't want to pay attention, I at least had to pretend. It took a bit of work and skill to avoid a teacher's disapproving stare. And to be called out in class was a bad thing. It was embarrassing. These kids don't care. It's more like I am distracting them. gr. So today, the kids who care to try kept the others quiet so they could hear the tape. And the noisy ones had to try at least to find someone to copy off of. So I feel I accomplished a bit of something.
6th P. 8b. This class is irritating not because of the students, but because I have them for one hour once a week. Well, I have 3 classes like that, but this class I'm supposed to do project work with. So, a project that should take a couple of days takes us a couple of weeks because we get so little time to work on them. But the kiddos like doing projects, so they do actually work on them at home and what not.
Now I'm going to eat leftovers and celebrate one of today's many holidays. It's Saint Valentine's Day, and Trifon Zarableblah Den. I asked every one of my classes why they celebrate this dude, and no one seems to know why, but they all now how! I reckon I'll participate in a bit of that celebration right here by my lonesome. Y'all enjoy whatever it is you celebrate today for!!
1st Period - One of my worst students punched a girl hard in the arm in a not playing fashion, when she turned to accost him, he made a threatening posture and called her a kutchka. He refused to leave my class, telling me in clear English that he didn't understand me and could I please translate.
2nd + 3rd Periods - With my favorite, 8a. In honor of St. Valentine's day, we wrote letters to our valentines. He or she could be fictional, a star, or real. He/She could remain nameless. I have a group of 4 boys in that class who'd like to kill me. They are just rambunctious boys with generally good hearts. I love them to death, but they are quite disturbing. They frequently distract me from teaching like they do eachother from learning. Well, as I was reading their paragraphs one called me to ask how to translate "tup tup." I look at the sentence, "When I see you, my heart goes tup tup inside me." OHHHH HOW PRECIOUS!! The one sitting next to him said something equally sweet (for an 8th grade boy writing in a foreign language), "The first time I saw you, the world stopped." I remarked on the sweetness of this, and he looks at the other boys in the little clickche and said, "taka e." oh. These guys give me hope. Please world, don't corrupt these boys who have feelings and sentimentality. Please, let them maintain a small piece of innocence and love and beauty and romance.
I'm not much of a romantic in the modern sense of the word. I don't really care for wasteful shows of affection just for the sake of it, especially forced ones like Valentine's Day. But between my friend who yesterday reminded me that there are still sensitive, unmanipulative, and caring men in the world, and my boys today who reminded me that boys weren't born stupid, but that the world drains them of all sensitivity, I feel pretty blessed in that Valentine's Day kinda way... At least, as much as I can be as I sit in my messy apartment, alone.
oh, so...
4th P. BREAK!!
5th P. 10b. These kids are smart, but never want to work, except for a small handful. When they wouldn't be quiet long enough for me to tell them about Valentine's Day in the states, I decided that today would be a good day for a listening test. I went overboard and let them listen to the text 4 times. It wasn't really a test, as they talked to each other. I'll be honest, I'm not a big fan of tests, as they encourage a useless style of learning (rote memory and regurgitation of facts). I'm just so tired of them sitting in small groups and, while not really distracting those who want to learn, not doing ANYTHING. When I was in HS and didn't want to pay attention, I at least had to pretend. It took a bit of work and skill to avoid a teacher's disapproving stare. And to be called out in class was a bad thing. It was embarrassing. These kids don't care. It's more like I am distracting them. gr. So today, the kids who care to try kept the others quiet so they could hear the tape. And the noisy ones had to try at least to find someone to copy off of. So I feel I accomplished a bit of something.
6th P. 8b. This class is irritating not because of the students, but because I have them for one hour once a week. Well, I have 3 classes like that, but this class I'm supposed to do project work with. So, a project that should take a couple of days takes us a couple of weeks because we get so little time to work on them. But the kiddos like doing projects, so they do actually work on them at home and what not.
Now I'm going to eat leftovers and celebrate one of today's many holidays. It's Saint Valentine's Day, and Trifon Zarableblah Den. I asked every one of my classes why they celebrate this dude, and no one seems to know why, but they all now how! I reckon I'll participate in a bit of that celebration right here by my lonesome. Y'all enjoy whatever it is you celebrate today for!!
Monday, February 13, 2006
relationships and a good guy (not together, sadly those are two separate topics)
The evolution and chemistry of human relationships are strange topics. I recently attended a centralized training event at which I saw many people I hadn't seen since Novemer. All of my friendships here are unique and dynamic. They all have history and inside jokes. They are made from things which have made us stronger, either individually or together or both. There are a couple of particulartly strange friendships however. It's not a secret that I worry a lot. I'm worrying about a couple of my friends. One has always been quite mysterious. He/She has alluded to life and problems and let me in only a couple of times, but in general is very alloof. So I worry about what he/she is going through. I reckon that I should trust that by showing myself open and sympathetic he/she will come to me whe he/she needs to.
There's another friend I am worried about. I use this word "friend" loosely because while we hang out frequently and generally have fun together, he/she has never been very open or vulnerable to me, and the one time I was with him/her, it backfired on me. This person is important to me despite the fact that I don't think he/she's ever really been very real with me. I have a sneaking suspision that he/she has been worrying about something lately and was actively avoiding me this past week (when we were in the same hotel) on account of that worry. Now, It's possible he/she was avoiding people in general.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. Maybe I want my family to know that I'm finally having the high school experience of relationship dramas. Maybe I want these people to know they can come to me. Maybe I want all my dear readers to know that it's always better to communicate.
OTHER STUFF...
Thanks to the good people at Google, my great friends who work in offices and can't just download google all over the place are now chatting with greater ease from their web based gmail account! So I chatted for a while with a friend from high school. I was really near tears. He tells me he's doing well, although he's in the midst of a little drama. A girl he likes, a girl he doesn't so much like. What to do. Do I tell the girl I don't like? I give him my two cents, of course. But I also let him know how much it means to me to hear a guy seriously consider this issues. How to break news to a girl, or whether to break any news. A guy who really is concerned about doing the right thing for the women in his life. And the best part?! This isn't just some churchy line he's spilling for me because he thinks I'll dig it and then dig him, I'm just a by stander. Well, not that either of these two girls are reading my blog, and even if they were they wouldn't know I was talking about them, but I would just like to say to them, you are lucky girls to have such a good guy looking out for you.
My mom is increasingly sick of living stateside. Mommy, I don't think you'd handle Bulgarish life too well after a few years either. Altough it is much easier to stay blissfully ignorant here, given the whole language barrier thing.
I hear our CD's wife is keeping up the the blogches. Teehee. I think that's fantastic. Holla atcha! I wonder which of the Sofia ISPs you belong to. You should start leaving some comments, you could keep it annonymous. ; )
Happy Valentine's Day tomorrow. I reckon I'll wear my Valentine's day undies and that'll be the extent of my celebration. I guess it's also some kind of wine celebration... let's see if I can get myself invited to something!
I'm going to do some planning and what not. I'm SO tired!!
There's another friend I am worried about. I use this word "friend" loosely because while we hang out frequently and generally have fun together, he/she has never been very open or vulnerable to me, and the one time I was with him/her, it backfired on me. This person is important to me despite the fact that I don't think he/she's ever really been very real with me. I have a sneaking suspision that he/she has been worrying about something lately and was actively avoiding me this past week (when we were in the same hotel) on account of that worry. Now, It's possible he/she was avoiding people in general.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. Maybe I want my family to know that I'm finally having the high school experience of relationship dramas. Maybe I want these people to know they can come to me. Maybe I want all my dear readers to know that it's always better to communicate.
OTHER STUFF...
Thanks to the good people at Google, my great friends who work in offices and can't just download google all over the place are now chatting with greater ease from their web based gmail account! So I chatted for a while with a friend from high school. I was really near tears. He tells me he's doing well, although he's in the midst of a little drama. A girl he likes, a girl he doesn't so much like. What to do. Do I tell the girl I don't like? I give him my two cents, of course. But I also let him know how much it means to me to hear a guy seriously consider this issues. How to break news to a girl, or whether to break any news. A guy who really is concerned about doing the right thing for the women in his life. And the best part?! This isn't just some churchy line he's spilling for me because he thinks I'll dig it and then dig him, I'm just a by stander. Well, not that either of these two girls are reading my blog, and even if they were they wouldn't know I was talking about them, but I would just like to say to them, you are lucky girls to have such a good guy looking out for you.
My mom is increasingly sick of living stateside. Mommy, I don't think you'd handle Bulgarish life too well after a few years either. Altough it is much easier to stay blissfully ignorant here, given the whole language barrier thing.
I hear our CD's wife is keeping up the the blogches. Teehee. I think that's fantastic. Holla atcha! I wonder which of the Sofia ISPs you belong to. You should start leaving some comments, you could keep it annonymous. ; )
Happy Valentine's Day tomorrow. I reckon I'll wear my Valentine's day undies and that'll be the extent of my celebration. I guess it's also some kind of wine celebration... let's see if I can get myself invited to something!
I'm going to do some planning and what not. I'm SO tired!!
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Happy 100th Post to Meggi!
I tried skiing again over the weekend. I'm not a quitter. You can ask most anyone who knows me. I do NOT quit easily. I keep trying. I have rare days where my mental state causes a very low of tolerance to frustration. Yesterday was not one of those days. I was some how in a not-groove today. I don't know why. So, I had a random group of guests this weekend. I mean REALLY random. We went to Dobrinishte to ski. It did not go well. I managed to not get the ski pants I use and that Arin uses. So we went in regular pants. We made the bus to Dobrinishte. We made our way to the center. We found the hotel. There I discovered that my information was not 100% accurate; the last bus to the slopes had already left. So the receptionist called a microbus for us. We agreed on a price. We began our ascent. We began our descent in slighlty controled chaos. We returned to this dudes house to get chains. His son drove us up, skied and hung out for the day, and drove us all the way back to Razlog. We paid a bit more than on public transportation, less than on taxis, and had a much more convenient ride.
So, back to quitting. I don't quit right? Did I mention that the weather was ucky yesterday It was really snowy. It was REALLY snowy. I was skiing with out good ski clothes. I did the bunny hill a few times. The guys took the other hill after a while. One of the guys said I was ready for the big hill. He said I could manage it. So in the space of over 30 minutes I manage to travel about 100 meters of a 3+ km slope. I was trying. I was doing everything I knew how. I was doing the same things that worked below on the bunny hill. It was NOT working. I ended up laying on my stomach cursing. I got up. I found my knees bent in the wrong way. I got up. I finally crashed and quietly said, "I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't think I can do this." And then those hot tears poured down my freezing cold cheeks. I was so angry at myself for not doing well. I was so concerned about what so and so would say if they knew I quit. More tears. Why are you crying? Can't you ever control your emotions? Crying harder. I called it a day. I took the short yet difficult hike back up to the lift and went down. It just wasn't going to happen.
What did I learn? I can't worry about what other people will say about my failures. It's my failure, not yours. I can't be expected to be held your self-standards. You holding me to your own expectations only betrays your egoism. I tried and that is what counts. That is what I am proud of. But hereI go ranting about a notion of a notion. My perception of someone else's concept of me. I told Lucia as we were freezing cold, wet, and waiting on the guys to finish up that I was more bothered that I worried about what someone else would say of my failure than the acutal failure itself. She proceeded to tell me what I already knew about seeking validation, about giving people a position in my life that they shouldn't have, about not seeing things the way they really are. Some of the same things that I've said to other people in other situtations. The hardest bed to sleep in is the one you've made, I reckon.
But, except for a wrotten day of skiing, I had a wonderful weekend. I went to see "Munich" with Andy and Lucia in Blagoevgrad, which was a great film. Not exactly up my alley, but well made and multi-faceted. I found and bought a pair of real leather tall, black, dress boots. THEY FIT MY CALVES!!! They were also on sale! After the skiing fiasco, we went to my favorite mehana for a fabulous dinner. It is my favorite because it serves blue cheese stuffed mushrooms (fresh mushrooms!) so good that my vegan sitemates tell me they are very tasty, and because it's ridiculously close to my house. We then came home, hung out, had po-edna boiled rakiya with loads of my domashna borov med (mmmmm tasty!!). Some how Lucia and I ended up sleeping on my pull out chair. This is not a comfortable bed in general, but two girls in the one bed. EEK! And Scott ended up in my bed alone. I think this was a strategic manoever that failed. He said this morning, "Well I just assumed someone else would lay down in there." Uh scott--- sorry to disapoint, I just don't know you that well.
I'm going to Stara Zagora early tomorrow morning and I won't be back until the weekend. Probably Sunday. I just got off the phone with my director, who found a car to take us to Plovdiv. SWEET! Yeah! I'm looking forward to this. I've also heard that there are pictures from the weekend, including a very unhappy picture of myslef, on Arin's blog. Alright, it's cold. I'm hungry. I'm out Gs. Catcha later! aiee!!
So, back to quitting. I don't quit right? Did I mention that the weather was ucky yesterday It was really snowy. It was REALLY snowy. I was skiing with out good ski clothes. I did the bunny hill a few times. The guys took the other hill after a while. One of the guys said I was ready for the big hill. He said I could manage it. So in the space of over 30 minutes I manage to travel about 100 meters of a 3+ km slope. I was trying. I was doing everything I knew how. I was doing the same things that worked below on the bunny hill. It was NOT working. I ended up laying on my stomach cursing. I got up. I found my knees bent in the wrong way. I got up. I finally crashed and quietly said, "I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't think I can do this." And then those hot tears poured down my freezing cold cheeks. I was so angry at myself for not doing well. I was so concerned about what so and so would say if they knew I quit. More tears. Why are you crying? Can't you ever control your emotions? Crying harder. I called it a day. I took the short yet difficult hike back up to the lift and went down. It just wasn't going to happen.
What did I learn? I can't worry about what other people will say about my failures. It's my failure, not yours. I can't be expected to be held your self-standards. You holding me to your own expectations only betrays your egoism. I tried and that is what counts. That is what I am proud of. But hereI go ranting about a notion of a notion. My perception of someone else's concept of me. I told Lucia as we were freezing cold, wet, and waiting on the guys to finish up that I was more bothered that I worried about what someone else would say of my failure than the acutal failure itself. She proceeded to tell me what I already knew about seeking validation, about giving people a position in my life that they shouldn't have, about not seeing things the way they really are. Some of the same things that I've said to other people in other situtations. The hardest bed to sleep in is the one you've made, I reckon.
But, except for a wrotten day of skiing, I had a wonderful weekend. I went to see "Munich" with Andy and Lucia in Blagoevgrad, which was a great film. Not exactly up my alley, but well made and multi-faceted. I found and bought a pair of real leather tall, black, dress boots. THEY FIT MY CALVES!!! They were also on sale! After the skiing fiasco, we went to my favorite mehana for a fabulous dinner. It is my favorite because it serves blue cheese stuffed mushrooms (fresh mushrooms!) so good that my vegan sitemates tell me they are very tasty, and because it's ridiculously close to my house. We then came home, hung out, had po-edna boiled rakiya with loads of my domashna borov med (mmmmm tasty!!). Some how Lucia and I ended up sleeping on my pull out chair. This is not a comfortable bed in general, but two girls in the one bed. EEK! And Scott ended up in my bed alone. I think this was a strategic manoever that failed. He said this morning, "Well I just assumed someone else would lay down in there." Uh scott--- sorry to disapoint, I just don't know you that well.
I'm going to Stara Zagora early tomorrow morning and I won't be back until the weekend. Probably Sunday. I just got off the phone with my director, who found a car to take us to Plovdiv. SWEET! Yeah! I'm looking forward to this. I've also heard that there are pictures from the weekend, including a very unhappy picture of myslef, on Arin's blog. Alright, it's cold. I'm hungry. I'm out Gs. Catcha later! aiee!!
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
blablafunnystoryblabla
I don't know exactly what I've been doing. There have been no fruits of my labors. But some how I've been busy lately. I was in Etropole over the weekend to celebrate the Chinese New Year at Lucia's place. Which rocked! Lucia made sure that I drank my coke like Andy prepared my coffee the weekend before. We laughed for HOURS at stupid downloads Chris had! Chris, who happens to be a Humbolt State University graduate, like my father. What a crazy small world. We talked about Northern California. You know, for such a popular state, my part of California is SO unknown. I mean. Have YOU ever seen the redwoods?
Okay, so then I'm back to this week. It's the end of the semester and school has become a lutnitsa (crazy house). Speaking of crazy. Remember my friend Bob or Tom or what ever I called the kid who blew water threw his nose and threatened to ggrrrrrr me? Well, we had another fun class today. When I walked in, I noticed that one of my girls had her arm all wrapped up in gauze. She said she'd burnt it. When I asked how, she said with water. So I write the word "scald" on the board. She scalded her hand. My friend Jimmy says, "I will scald you" and he goes on to describe what he will do with my flesh. I just want to pause the story and say, this is not a small guy. He's really quite big. I mean, tall and big. And his voice is VERY strong. This dude can't whisper. When he talks, he shouts. Okay, resuming story. I move on. The only time he is not speaking is when I am. He starts asking about my sister. "Can I [silence] your sister?" "What is your sister like, she is 16, na li? [right?]" "I want to [silence] your sister." Now, I'm not sure if the silence was because he forgot the word "meet" or if he wanted to use an innappropriate word. Let's assume the best.
So, I ignore Frank because if I stop and wait for him to be quiet he gets quiet. Then when I talk he talks. What ever. I always pray that if I ingore him long enough he'll get board of talking to himself and hearing his classmates shout at him. Well, he gets up and announces he will use the toilet. "Okay, bye" I say. So he stands in the doorway, seeing that I have no objections to his flight. I pretend he doesn't exist and he announces, "Your children and my children will be first cousins." And with that he exits the room. As soon as he's gone his words click into my consciousness. I say to the class, "Did he just tell me he's gonna have babies with my sister?!" The class laughs and confirms my fears. Danny has crossed the line. I look back out at my class and say, "There's no way in hell."
Some random announcements... I'm going skiing again this weekend. Having some company over. Going to try making BBQ in my crockpot. I've made a very crude BBQ sauce before, albeit accidentally (I was trying to make spaghetti sauce and was very short on ingredients). Next week we have Monday and Tuesday off from school. Tuesday through Friday I will be out of town. Actually, I will be in Stara Zagora for a project workshop. I'm really excited about this because my school has no kind of English Language room. Well, no kind of language room at all. Even though we have this "great" English department. So, I'll start learning about how to writeprojects and stuff. Sweet. Part of my goal in PC was to get some experience in this sort of thing, for all the times I've toyed with working in the non-profit sector... gotta know how to get the fundage you know? So, the deallio gets done after lunch on Friday, but I won't be able to make my connecting bus in Plovdiv, so PC will pay for me and my director to spend an extra night in Stara Zagora. I'm not sure if I'm excited about this or not. But I am certainly looking forward to more PCV time, and some learning about useful stuff!!
And that's all I have time for today kiddos. I'll leave you with some Jennifer Knapp lyrics. For anyone who doesn't know. She is THE BEST!!!! Ladies and gentlemen, the lyrics to "Undo Me"
Papa, I think I messed up again
Was it something I did?
Was it something I said?
I don't mean to do you wrong
It's just the way of human nature!
Sister, I know I let you down
I can tell by the fact
You never come around
You don't have to say a thing
I can tell by your eyes
Exactly what you mean
That it's time
To get down on my knees and pray
"Lord, undo me!"
Put away my flesh and bone
'Til You own this spirit through me Lord,
Undo me.
Mama, I know I made you cry
But I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
While the world shook its head in shame
I let you take the blame
Brother, I know you labored
So hard to please
But I cut you down
And I left you on your knees
Well I know it must be
Time to get down on my knees and pray
"Lord, undo me!"
Put away my flesh and bone'
Til You own this spirit through me Lord
I am wanting, needing, guilty and greedy
Unrighteous, unholy; undo me. Undo me!
Abba Father You must wonder why
More times than Peter I have denied.
Three nails and a cross to prove
I owe my life eternally to you!
And it's time
To get down on my knees and pray
"Lord, undo me!"
Put away my flesh and bone
'Til You own this spirit through me Lord,
Undo me
Okay, so then I'm back to this week. It's the end of the semester and school has become a lutnitsa (crazy house). Speaking of crazy. Remember my friend Bob or Tom or what ever I called the kid who blew water threw his nose and threatened to ggrrrrrr me? Well, we had another fun class today. When I walked in, I noticed that one of my girls had her arm all wrapped up in gauze. She said she'd burnt it. When I asked how, she said with water. So I write the word "scald" on the board. She scalded her hand. My friend Jimmy says, "I will scald you" and he goes on to describe what he will do with my flesh. I just want to pause the story and say, this is not a small guy. He's really quite big. I mean, tall and big. And his voice is VERY strong. This dude can't whisper. When he talks, he shouts. Okay, resuming story. I move on. The only time he is not speaking is when I am. He starts asking about my sister. "Can I [silence] your sister?" "What is your sister like, she is 16, na li? [right?]" "I want to [silence] your sister." Now, I'm not sure if the silence was because he forgot the word "meet" or if he wanted to use an innappropriate word. Let's assume the best.
So, I ignore Frank because if I stop and wait for him to be quiet he gets quiet. Then when I talk he talks. What ever. I always pray that if I ingore him long enough he'll get board of talking to himself and hearing his classmates shout at him. Well, he gets up and announces he will use the toilet. "Okay, bye" I say. So he stands in the doorway, seeing that I have no objections to his flight. I pretend he doesn't exist and he announces, "Your children and my children will be first cousins." And with that he exits the room. As soon as he's gone his words click into my consciousness. I say to the class, "Did he just tell me he's gonna have babies with my sister?!" The class laughs and confirms my fears. Danny has crossed the line. I look back out at my class and say, "There's no way in hell."
Some random announcements... I'm going skiing again this weekend. Having some company over. Going to try making BBQ in my crockpot. I've made a very crude BBQ sauce before, albeit accidentally (I was trying to make spaghetti sauce and was very short on ingredients). Next week we have Monday and Tuesday off from school. Tuesday through Friday I will be out of town. Actually, I will be in Stara Zagora for a project workshop. I'm really excited about this because my school has no kind of English Language room. Well, no kind of language room at all. Even though we have this "great" English department. So, I'll start learning about how to writeprojects and stuff. Sweet. Part of my goal in PC was to get some experience in this sort of thing, for all the times I've toyed with working in the non-profit sector... gotta know how to get the fundage you know? So, the deallio gets done after lunch on Friday, but I won't be able to make my connecting bus in Plovdiv, so PC will pay for me and my director to spend an extra night in Stara Zagora. I'm not sure if I'm excited about this or not. But I am certainly looking forward to more PCV time, and some learning about useful stuff!!
And that's all I have time for today kiddos. I'll leave you with some Jennifer Knapp lyrics. For anyone who doesn't know. She is THE BEST!!!! Ladies and gentlemen, the lyrics to "Undo Me"
Papa, I think I messed up again
Was it something I did?
Was it something I said?
I don't mean to do you wrong
It's just the way of human nature!
Sister, I know I let you down
I can tell by the fact
You never come around
You don't have to say a thing
I can tell by your eyes
Exactly what you mean
That it's time
To get down on my knees and pray
"Lord, undo me!"
Put away my flesh and bone
'Til You own this spirit through me Lord,
Undo me.
Mama, I know I made you cry
But I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
While the world shook its head in shame
I let you take the blame
Brother, I know you labored
So hard to please
But I cut you down
And I left you on your knees
Well I know it must be
Time to get down on my knees and pray
"Lord, undo me!"
Put away my flesh and bone'
Til You own this spirit through me Lord
I am wanting, needing, guilty and greedy
Unrighteous, unholy; undo me. Undo me!
Abba Father You must wonder why
More times than Peter I have denied.
Three nails and a cross to prove
I owe my life eternally to you!
And it's time
To get down on my knees and pray
"Lord, undo me!"
Put away my flesh and bone
'Til You own this spirit through me Lord,
Undo me
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