Ponderings on the this human's emotions

It's really cold in Bulgarland these days. So cold in fact that most schools in this country are taking a holiday (that's British for vacation, which is the word I should use since I have no British readership, and I think my one Australian reader knows the difference). Not my school. No, we mountain folk should be accustomed to the cold. Cold outside means cold inside. And my flat is cold. I have my big heater on, but it doesn't exactly put out noticeable heat... but I'd freeze without it. I have my little heater with a fan on, but at this point the air it's moving around is just a cold breeze. Well, I still can't see my breath in this room, so I don't really have anyplace to complain.

I should really be asleep already, but I laid down and my mind did not float off to lalaland as quickly as normal, so I took that as my que to write.

I've been thinking about my story -- my lesson. I have this one friend who, through my drama, was trying to convince me to be more opaque, that showing my feelings is weakness. He thinks I should keep everything inside. He doesn't share his feelings with anyone and he feels safer that way. I am the exact opposite. My friend thinks it's bizarre that I would tell my mother anything in my personal life. I can't imagine not telling my mother these things. Why do I feel the need to share things? Yes, it does make me weaker to some things. To the manipulation of other people, to rumors and gossip. Eh, people can manipulate even if we hide our real selves. And rumors and gossip don't depend on our vulnerability. I think I do it to feel connected. I love knowing that people have bits of me. Those emotions I spew - good, bad, and ugly - allow people to carry pieces of my heart in their memory. We could get all psychobabble and blame it on an inattentive father and a mother who compensated excessively which resulted in my need for attention and affirmation. Whatever, it's who I am and it serves a purpose. We'll get to that in a bit.

My friend thinks I make everything harder than it really is. Maybe that's true. I feel things intensely, and I have for as long as I can remember. (HELP ME! HELP! HELP! I can't breathe!) I've never denied over thinking my problems. I generally over think most things (Bulgaria is doing it's best to cure of this however). I am a worrier. But I would rather worry my way through things, that to not think about them. This is where my friend and I agreed to disagree. He said time heals all cancers. I said, "bah." glupasti! For me, time allows the cancer to spread to the whole body until it destroys every cell. Only immediate, proactive, and frequently painful surgery can heal cancers. An action must be taken to get over a thing, a problem. We cannot simply believe that it will stop hurting. Sometimes the action will make sense to NO ONE. I recently commented to someone that sometimes we must start acting like we are loved before we can feel loved. I recently had to forgive in order to feel forgiven. Feelings just aren't enough. In a relationship, we don't bail just because we don't "feel the love" anymore... sometimes you have to ACT out of love before you can feel love. There is a difference between the verb and the noun. "I love you" vs. "I am in love with you" "I forgive you" vs. "I feel your forgiveness" Of course there is a lot more to it. But action is always there... we must choose something!

I will always choose to feel deeply. "The shadow proves the sunshine." There is balance in opposites. I'd rather feel excruciating pain and heavenly joy than to shut off my heart and lock it in my own personal hell of unfeeling.
I will try to trust - when it is not earned - even when it is stupid to trust.
I will try to love - because it truly is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
I learn today from yesterday's pain, and tomorrow I will teach what today I have learned.

more stupid crap from myspace

1. Who's bed did you sleep in lastnight? -- mine
2. What color shirt are you wearing? -- my gray Anderson University sweatshirt and my green and white baba vest
3. Do you have any pets? -- no. except my doggy back in the states
4. Most recent movie that you watched? -- i watched the last half of Zoolander this evening.
5. Name 3 things that you have on you all the time: -- gsm, chapstick, keys
6. What's the color of your bedsheets? -- blue with calla lilies
7. How much cash do you have on you right now? that's not your business
8. What were you doing at midnight last night? -- watching TV with Ned and Andy, drinking Kamenitsa Tumno, eating leftovers
9. How many people on your friends list are EX's? -- none (myspace)
10. Whats your favorite part of the chicken? -- the breast, boneless and skinless
11. Whats your favorite town / city? -- Nashville, because I know it
13. I can't wait to .-- go to Lucia's next weekend, go skiing again the weekend after that.
14. When was the most recent time that you saw your dad? -- April 22, 2005
15. Who got you to join myspace? -- my sister, Elayna
16. How long have you been at your current job? -- 9 months on the 25th of the month
17. Is Tom on your friends list? -- i don't know, i haven't paid attention.
18. What's the last thing you said out loud? -- besides laughing outloud? besides exclamations of pain? Maybe something like, "bye, thanks for coming."
19. Look to your left, what's there? -- my dinner table
20. What's on your right? -- my back door.
21. What is the last thing/person you spent over $100 on? -- I really can't remember. No one thing I've bought here has cost over $100. Maybe my trip out to Oregon and California last spring.
22. Who's your favorite villain? -- I don't have one. my self maybe.
23. Whats the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone? -- underarmor from andy yesterday to keep dry while skiing.
24. What web site(s) do you visit the most during the day? -- blogspot, stat counter, mtel.bg, and PCV blogs.
25. If you could drink anything right now what would it be? -- my mom's apple cider
26. Does anything hurt on ur body right now? -- oh yes. a better question is, "does anything on your body not hurt right now." I'm aching from skiing yesterday.
27. What city was your last taxi cab ride in? -- sofia
28. Do you own a picture phone? -- no
29. What's your favorite Starbucks drink? -- ammaretto soy latte
30. Any ideas for your new years resolution? -- to take my vitamins everyday, but i've not been doing very good at it.

Review

I need to review some events and ramble for a bit.

1. I forgot to mention that the pics I posted this morning are thanks to Arin. It's also thanks to Arin that I had a fabulous experience. I cannot thank him enough for taking at least half the time we had to teach me the basics of skiing. By the end of the day I was only a little bit challenged by the basic slope. I was ready to move on to the next level.

2. I'm sore beyond comprehension. It's been a long time since I've been so sore everywhere. I mean, I've had good work outs that left me sore in maybe an entire region of my body. But I can't remember the last time I was so sore so nearly everywhere. I slept till 9ish this morning. The boys got up and left around 10:30. I ate a bit and sat down to watch TV. I fell asleep until 2pm. I mean ASLEEP. Yesterday my muscles ached, my bones ached. The nerves in my knees felt as though they were about to rip apart.

3. I'm proud of myself. Not only for skiing (I'm not much of a sporter, so it is a big deal for me), but also for a large personal accomplishment. I had no idea what to expect this weekend. Part of me feared that the barely rational anger would resurface and I would ruin the fun for everyone. Part of me feared I would be weak and allow the pretence that everything is okay and normal, that we are copacetic and amicable. Neither really happened. At one point, my goal was mutual toleration. I got to the point at which I thought amicability was possible. Now I know and am pleased that this is true. Some things get broken and can't be made into the shape they formerly were, but sometimes, with work they can be good for something. Sometimes you don't have to throw away all the pieces because they no longer fit the original mold.

4. I am so excited that next weekend I'm going to see my friend Lucia and hang out with some other Americans for a while. We are going to eat our best attempts at Chinese food, and celebrate the start of a new year. I guess every day is a new year right? January 1st is simply administrative friends.

5. I lost one of the earrings my mom gave me as a graduation present. When I woke up this morning, I realized it was missing. I was so upset! A couple hours later, Ned found it on my bathroom floor. Thank God.

6. I just realized the inside of my hand is sore! Like, my thumb! From holding the ski poles. eek!

7. I am really sad to be missing out on the lives of my family stateside. My brother and sister are still teenagers. They are such brave and insightful kids who seem to really want to live full lives. I wish I was there helping them in whatever ways I could. I also miss my dog to a ridiculous degree.

8. I tried making chocolate pudding cake for the second time in this country and again, it did not turn out right, but because NO ONE (neither Bulgarians nor Americans) knows how it should be, it went over well. I again doubled the batch and baked in a pan that was not deep enough, so I had to pour out the gooey part and let it bake. Then I warmed up the gooey part before I served it. Everyone liked it, but it was NOT my mom's hot fudge pudding cake.

9. It's "songs that made them famous weekend" on MTV. Was Farrell Williams in a group called N*E*R*D?

That's all I've got for now kiddos. I may eat 3 day old "brownies" (THEY ARE NOT BROWNIES) and fall back asleep. I have a crazy amount of papers to grade, but that won't take too long. And to be honest, my kids will totally accept the excuse that I was skiing and then so exhausted from skiing. They're pretty cool like that. I like my kids, and I'm proud of them. Even the "worst" class is pretty good. I know I'm blessed. In a lot of ways, I'm blessed. Thank God.

"Illusion never changed into something that is real... You're a little late, I'm already torn." (Natalie Imbuglia song)

There's a first for everything!

Yesterday was a feat of strength in many ways. I'll tell you that skiing was physically tiring for me. And then there were other things that made it trying and yet rewarding.
Me, my counterpart Yulia, and Andy on our way up to the slopes in Bansko. I was really nervous at the time.
Me, Arin, and Andy getting ready to hit the slopes.











Me and Yulia after a long day of skiing. It was the first time ever for me, and the first time Yulia had skied in over 20 years!














And here's Meggy getting off the rope pull thing...

Probably the last post of the day...

In my random web browsing, I came upon a site for free audio books. I downloaded Imitation of Christ by Thomas Kempis

"What good is much discussion of involved and obscure matters when our ignorance of them will not be held against us on judgment day? Neglect of things which are profitable and necessary and undue concern with those which are irrelevant and harmful are of great folly. We have eyes and do not see. What, therefore, have we to do with questions of philosophy? He to whom the eternal word speaks is free from theorizing..."

"Oh God, You who are the truth, make me one with you in love everlasting. I am often wearied by the many things I hear and read, but in you is all that I long for. Let the learned be still. Let all creatures be silent before you. You alone speak to me. The more recollected a man is and the more simple of heart he becomes, the easier he understands sublime things for he receives the light of knowledge from above."

"On the day of judgment, surely we shall not be asked what we have read but what we have done, not how well we have spoken but how well we have lived"

Chapter 3 "The doctrine of Truth"

This chapter concerns the value of right living compared to estimable knowledge. I am very weary of Christians who use this argument as an excuse to be ignorant. It is exhausting and saddening to think of all the Christians who are knowingly ignorant so they can claim to be "unworldly." There is no excuse in ignoring the world and it's problems. Jesus begs us to love the world and all it's inhabitants. God has ordained us to be keepers of the world we live in. This requires us to understand the problems of societies and nature. This requires education. However, there is a risk in making education the end. We risk getting too caught up in the education for it's own sake, losing the goal of that knowledge - to be good stewards of the world in which we live.

I've been reading and listening to some folks on the liberal end of Christianity, folks like Rob Bell, Rick McKinley, and Donald Miller. These are guys who are tired of a brand of Christianity that is so caught up in theology, dogma, and legalism that it can no longer see for the log in it's own eye. Hearing these guys is killing me. When I sat in my cozy home in America, I thought my Peace Corps service would be the "hands and feet" kind of thing that Jesus demonstrated. Now I sit in my cozy apartment in Bulgaria and wish for ways to do the "hands and feet" stuff. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Peace Corps Bulgaria is where I'm supposed to be right now. So many things have happened here that are, well, appointed. But I am still left with this deep, "there's gotta be more" feeling inside.

I know there are many PCVs right now that are disgruntled to say the least. A lot of us TEFLs are burnt out from spinning our wheels, going through the motions, playing teacher. Where's the social change factor? I understand we should be taking small steps in a big picture, but... It's like we're taking small steps in a water color, and the big picture is in oil. The two just don't seem to lend anything to eachother.

When we were still new, still in our training groups, I remember getting into a big argument with someone about the whole, "making a difference" issue. I distinctly remember feeling like nothing I was about to do would make a difference on Bulgarian education. Don't get me wrong, I'm not completely disenchanted yet. I believe that there is unlimited potential in every child, and our merely being here and available might show them their own value and unlock a desire for English that will open doors for them in the future. But that's not all we are here to do as TEFL PCVs in Bulgaria. Part of our job is to help foster English education among Bulgarian teachers. Now, we aren't skilled in pedagogy, so I wonder if we are even qualified for this. It seems to me that Bulgaria needs more teacher training PCVs and fewer TEFL PCVs... Am I rambling? Sorry. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't think the Peace Corps TEFL program is living up to it's potential in Bulgaria. AND, I really need to find a way to be some "hands and feet"
Enough rambling and random internet surfing for one day...

Oh, notes to Americans who love me. Send books, CD's, DVD's. Puhleeeese! And I just want to thank my mom, Susan, and Cathy for their lovin! These ladies hardly know me but send me stuff (except mom, of course).

nonviolence is...

"Nonviolence is a powerful and just weapon... which cuts without wounding... It is a sword that heals." -Martin Luther King Jr.
...interesting
Oxymoronica.com

Napoleon Dynomite Gets Political

Napoleon Dynomite phrase used in a speech given by the governor of Alaska. When asked what he was going to do about the budget this year he said, "Whatever I feel like doin, jeeeezuhhh!" (kidding, I made that part up, check the link)

KTVA - Local

Senators say military strike on Iran must be option

In an attempt to catch up on the news...

"While acknowledging that President George W. Bush has 'no good option,' McCain said 'there is only one thing worse than the United States exercising a military option, that is a nuclear-armed Iran.'"

"In addition, [experts and officials] have said an attack on Iran could further inflame anti-Americanism in the Middle East and prompt Tehran to interfere more in Iraq and encourage Islamist fundamentalist groups to launch new attacks on the West."

in the words of my friend new andy, "taka li ha ha ha ha"
Senators say military strike on Iran must be option - Boston.com

Bigotry in CT

courant.com Bias In Greenwich

Greenwich CT is missing it's confederate flag. OOHHHHH no I didn't... ; ) KIDDING!

This just in: Bigotry has infected Northern states!

Newsflash: evidence of backwardness north of the Mason-Dixon line, corruption in Indiana!

Clermont police commissioner interrupts arrest of friends

This just goes to show people can be backword and corrupt anywhere in the USA... in the world for that matter

Is it bad if I think they're kinda true?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Slow and Steady??

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How Do People See You?

Here are a couple of quotes from one of the most inspired people I've ever heard/read. I highly encourage you to read his book, Velvet Elvis. If you're in Bulgaria, you can nag Sarah Stiles to get you my copy of this book.

"There is a sick, distorted, twisted thing that can happen when people who are single are made to feel second class." Rob Bell... "Sexy on the Inside" sermon at Mars Hill


"Throughout Church history some of the most powerful things that have been said, some of the people who've been most influential, literally transforming whole countries and nation states because of their connection with God, where single, celebate, virgins, nuns, monks, priests, leaders who've just said, 'I give myself to this work.' Again, I'm so sorry if you've ever been sent the message that if you'd just find somebody, then you'd be normal like everybody else. It's not true. You're fine exactly as you are... You are okay"
Rob Bell... "Sexy on the Inside" sermon at Mars Hill

"You cannot enter into any sort of significant relationship if you aren't willing to forgive a lot and allow yourself to be forgive a lot."
Rob Bell... "Sexy on the Inside sermon at Mars Hill

Listen to Mars Hill sermons, also here is a sermon at Mars Hill by the pastor at Imago Dei (there are also a bunch of downloadable sermons here), a church in Portland, OR. This is the church that the author of Blue Like Jazz attends...

I went to a church service today. The first time in my town. I don't know what came over me, but I totally clammed up. I'm now under the impression that there are two protestant churches in my town. This one I went to today, with the super-cool PE teacher who gave me home-made pine honey and five-finger leaves, is a normal protestant church, so I wasn't really very comfortable. There was one man in the whole building. The preacher. I didn't understand much. I know there is a church in the Roma neighborhood, and I'm pretty sure it's more my style. But I've had one contact with the pastor, and I wasn't pleased with it. We'll see...

I could not fix the year

A Thought Went Up My Mind To-Day
Emily Dickinson

A thought went up my mind to-day
That I have had before,
But did not finish,--some way back,
I could not fix the year,

Nor where it went, nor why it came
The second time to me,
Nor definitely what it was,
Have I the art to say.

But somewhere in my soul, I know
I've met the thing before;
It just reminded me--'t was all--
And came my way no more.

footrubs

So, I had a fabulous foot massage today. Actually, most of me had a fabulous massage today. But I got to thinking. This lady rubbed my feet fabulously (fabulous fabulous fabulous), but I just felt like it was missing something.

Perhaps I think I can rub feet better than she can, I wouldn't know, because one can't effectively rub his or her own feet. Perhaps this thought brought about a line of thought that stirs up some nostalgia.

What do you think of when I mention foot rub? Me? My mom. I can't remember for how long I've been rubbing my mom's feet. She taught me how to rub feet sitting at the foot of the couch. She taught me how to rub hands sitting in church, bored out of my mind.

When was the last time I got a foot massage, besides today? I cannot remember. The last time I gave one? That was a tough day. I spent a lot of time with a friend and his family. I think that day was the day I realized the whole mess was going to be painful. I had good times with friends. They begged me to sleep at their house. I got my escort home. We watched some Turkish TV and somehow I ended up rubbing feet. Ugh. gross beh! I don't know what possessed me. Perhaps it was the promised reciprocal hand massage. Perhaps it was the one or two rakiki... Anyway, not too long after that, I was crying in my host sister's arms with my replacement sitting at the computer thinking, "is this what Bulgaria will do to me?" I think that was the moment I understood that my mess would hurt. Laying on the tiny bed with my host sister crying, "my heart hurts me" is never a good sign of things to come. But, this is life, pain and all...

"You don't see where you are

And if you don't look back you know you'll never know

Cause you think that you've been living, just treading water

And waiting in the wings for the show to begin

But I always see you searching

As you try that bit harder

Getting closer, oh yeah, to the life you're imagining

(I just know your life's gonna change)

Maybe not today, maybe not today

Some day soon you'll be all right

(I just know your life's gonna change)

Don't turn the other way, turn the other way

Feels like luck is on your side"

(Simon Webbe "No Worries")

another stupid survey...

I AM:: still in my pajamas
I WANT:: chinese food
I HAVE:: to shower soon
I WISH:: my big heater was operational
I HATE:: being lied to and used
I MISS:: my family and all my friends and my puppy
I FEAR:: disapproval
I HEAR:: some dumb teenager on MTV's "Made"
I WONDER:: why my heater isn't working and why I'm sick so much and how I'm going to make it throught these two years
I REGRET:: mmm, I don't regret things. I make mistakes and learn. But I'm sorry for lost relationships.
I LOVE:: my family, my friends, food I don't make
I ACHE:: in my chest, dern cough
I ALWAYS:: am emotional, say it like it is.
I AM NOT:: fake, a sugar-coater
I DANCE:: badly, but have fun trying
I SING:: when I'm stressed or really happy or need to be distracted
I WRITE:: when I'm stressed or really happy or need to be distracted
I CONFUSE:: my students when I try to explain the difference between the possessive adjective and the possessive pronoun
I NEED:: The 1.5 hour massage I'm getting today
I SHOULD: get my life organized

YES OR NO
You keep a diary:: no
You have a secret journal:: no
You set your watch a few minutes faster:: i don't have a watch
You bite your fingernails:: no, but i pick at my lips...
You believe in love:: definitely

PEOPLE
The weirdest person you know:: my mom
The Loudest Person you Know:: my mom
The Sexiest Person you Know:: your mom
The Person that Knows the Most About You:: my mom
Your most overused phrase on IM: dude or be

DO YOU
TAKE A SHOWER EVERY DAY.:: yes
Have a(any) crush(es):: not currently
Think you've been in love: I know I have
Want to get married:: yes
Have any tattoos/where?:: not yet, but...
Piercings/where?: a bunch in my ears
Get motion sickness:: Only if I'm already sick
Think you're a health freak:: No but if i had a bit of discipline...
Get along with your parents:: generally
Like thunderstorms:: totally, but sometimes they're a bit emotional

WHEN YOU SEE THIS NAME YOU THINK OF?
Ryan:: mmm?? i knew a couple ryans in highschool
Rob:: isn't the lead singer of matchbox 20 a rob... rob thomas?
Drew:: i went to high school w/ a drew
Heather:: my cousin heather
Eve:: of adam and eve
John:: john brammar only lives a couple hours from me and i didn't realize it until December.

RANDOM
NATURAL HAIR COLOR:: plain brown
CURRENT HAIR COLOR:: dark brown with bright blod layers, and bits of the summer's red coming through.
EYE COLOR:: brown
PARENTS::two
SIBLINGS:: Erik and Elayna... coolest kids in their own special ways.
LIVE WITH:: NOONE!

FAVORITES
NUMBER:: 3
COLOR:: green
DAY:: any day not a school day
MONTH:: August
SONG:: i'm between favorite songs... maybe "caught out there" by kelis or "you're beautiful" by whats his name
FOOD:: asian food... thai, japanese, my b/f's parents chinese/laotian/thai food,
SEASON:: summer
SPORT:: american football

PREFERENCES
CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT? beggars can't be choosers
CHOCOLATE MILK OR HOT CHOCOLATE?hot chocolate
MILK, DARK, OR WHITE CHOCOLATE? milk
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE? chocolate

IN THE LAST 24 HOURS
CRIED? yeah, when I threw up, alone, in my cold apartment.
HELPED SOMEONE? i talked about helping a kid on his TOEFL
GOTTEN SICK? i am sick right now
GONE TO THE MOVIES? no.
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? well, that between lunch and dinner space, for pizza
SAID "I LOVE YOU"? I've typed it... to my mom
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER? No
TALKED TO AN EX? no
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL? no
MISSED SOMEONE? um, several people
HUGGED SOMEONE? sadly, I'm hug deprived.
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS?no
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND? no, thank God, i've had enough of that!

excuse my tardiness please

At 5pm, I sit on my couch made bed.  I had two classes this morning.  I was supposed to have four hours of freely chosen electives.  I cancelled them after my second period, went to have tea with some colleagues as I do every Thursday.  I went home changed my clothes and went to sleep.  Let me think… I was definitely asleep by 11am.  I woke up at 12 something.  Went back to sleep.  I woke up at 3ish.  I watched a lame cheeeezy Hallmark movie.  One of those family movies where the grown daughters move back home and in a series of chain reactions each get engaged.  It was a wedding movie.  I cried.  Being sick makes me more emotional.

Now I’m watching “Diary of Good Charlotte.”  The twins Benji and Joel got into a fight and they were talking about how they are tough on each other but really encourage each other as well.  Then the cleaner-cut one talked about how he always has one moment a day where he’s amazed at what God’s given him.  Hm…  

My throat is so swollen that I have some left over red beans and rice (thanks mom for sending that) stuck that I can’t get down.  Yesterday I vomited twice…  from hacking so hard.  Nice huh?  Weren’t you dying to know that?

I don’t have any internet right now, so I’m bored out of my mind…  I’d like to sleep, but I’ve slept a lot today.

I think I’ve developed a thing for baddish boys.  I mean…  a couple of weeks ago I watched “Viva la Bam” and not only did I think it was hysterical but I thought Bam was kinda cute.  Then…  oh…  I started digging on the Bloodhound Gang.  And now I think the twins from Good Charlotte are pretty cute.  

Uh…  So, I’m going to a mehana (traditional restaurant) to celebrate the birthday of my sitemate’s counterpart.  I’m grateful for my sitemates.  We don’t hang out much, but they think of me…  Okay, I’m going to watch another Hallmark movie.

THE NEXT DAY…

So, I have internet finally and I’ll update my post and post it.  Yesterday it wasn’t my sitemate’s counterpart’s birthday.  It was my sitemate.  Harmonie told me it was ___’s birthday and I don’t know what happened, it just didn’t register.  So I called right before I left and it turns out, it was Chad’s birthday, Harmonie’s husband.  So, we hung out, had fun, had blue cheese stuffed mushrooms, spoke a bunch of English.  All around good times.  

My big heater is being all weird on me.  The school shop teacher came over to check on it when my CP told his wife I would be home.  I was still out with her.  Nice.  So, let’s all pray it turns on tonight as it miraculously did last night.  For some reason, when I turn the switch, it doesn’t come on ninety percent of the time.  

I threw up again today.  WHAT BEH!  I don’t understand?!  How totally nasty!  Day before yesterday when I puked it wasn’t much…  just a gag thing.  But today I spent about five minutes over the toilet…  Now, when I get to really hacking, my eyes water really badly.  Um, when I vomit…  same thing.  I don’t know if it’s like this for guys, but vomiting is super emotional.  I know it’s like this for girls.  Why?  Why does the nastiest thing make me want someone around me the most.  I really was like, “ehhhh  hold meeeee.”  Super gross beh!  Oh, and know what else?  I have chunks of pizza in the back of my throat.  Mmm  yummy…  : (

Okay, I’m gonna go look for a grad school in Spain.  Maybe I’ll meet my European hottie there?  

not a year in review post

I really wasn’t going to do a “year in review” blog, but the urge struck.  So here, in chronological order of enlightenment, are some things I learned this year, or tried to learn, or was supposed to learn, or am trying to learn.  They’re quotes, make of them what you will.  For the first time, I’m leaving you bez commentary…  but you’re welcome and encouraged to leave some of your own…  

"Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up if they succeed in loving the distance between them, which makes it possible for each to see the other against a wide sky." Rainer Maria Rilke

I Corinthians 13: 1, 4-7   - If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but I do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal…  Love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious.  Love does not brag, it is not puffed up.  It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful.  It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth.  It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.  Rainer Maria Rilke

Regardless of what happens, don't ever forget that...you're beautiful, no matter what...you're divine, no matter what...and you're perfectly loved, no matter what. You are always held, like a baby, by the Lover of all. It's okay to just relax into that sometimes and let go of everything else outside of you.  Vassi – Comment on a previous post

There are no promises in life.  I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I know that the keeper of the world is also the keeper of my destiny and the safety of his plans may include seasons of love, pain, beauty, and loneliness.  But my season is no more than a line in the story of my life, important and possibly altering all lines that follow, but not that large.  I must remind my soul that it is only one line, and the story…  the story has a great ending…    From Monday, October 10, 2005 “Still Avoiding Work” Post

She looked at him bleakly. “Your kind of love can’t feel good.”
“Does your kind feel any better?”… “Right now love doesn’t have an awful lot to do with feelings,” he said grimly.  “Don’t misunderstand.  I’m as human asa the next man.  I feel all right.  I feel plenty right now, a lot I wish I didn’t.”  He shook his head, his face strained with hurt and anger.  “I felt like killing you when I walked in that room, but I didn’t.  I feel like beating sense into you right now, but I won’t.”… “And no matter how much it hurts, and no matter how much I feel like hurting you back for what you’ve done, I’m not going to.”  
From Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers  

Genesis 50: 20- As for you, you meant to harm me, but God intended it for a good purpose, so he could preserve the lives of many people, as you can see this day.

Matthew 5:23-24 So then, if you bring your gift to the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.  First go and be reconciled to your brother and then come and present your gift.  

been better

Well friends, it's official, I don't understand ANYTHING! I stayed home from school today, mostly because when I woke up (after 7 hours of waking up to cough up my lungs) I felt worse than ever. So I sent a text message to my counterpart. She told me it's cool if I stay home. So I stayed in bed most of the day. Around 10:30, my baba came banging on my door. She scolded me not so gently for not telling her I am sick. Another teacher sent some home-made pine honey (my favorite, btw) and a few leaves of "five fingers" to be boiled as tea. This has a 100% guarantee of clearing my sinuses. Well, it was tasty, but it didn't really help. Anyway, baba delivered the goodies, which had been sent home by the coolest PE teacher-lady EVER via my 11th grader neighbor boy. Baba was not happy that I had not told her than I was sick. She reminded me that she doesn't want to bother me, and that's why she doesn't come check on me more often. Why hadn't I come down and had her make me some tea? Why am I dressed so lightly? Do I need anything from the store? A few hours later she brought me a plate of boiled potatoes. My counterpart came over for a few minutes after school. She told me to stay home tomorrow if I need to, and that the nurse can listen to my cough. After hearing my cough, she insisted that I let the nurse listen to it.

My internet was down for most of the day. I finally got around to reading my emails around 5ish. I emailed the PC medical staff, just to complain. Can I just say that while many people have reason to complain about PC staff, I DO NOT!! Except for the one time Toni wanted me to wear a face mask because I was contagious... Andrea called me a bit ago in response to my email. She told me to go have the nurse listen to my chest and check me out, and click the PCMO phone so Robert (one of our BG PC Dr's) can talk to her. No, we didn't get anything accomplished, and I don't really feel any less sick, but it's nice to know that I've got someone who knows I'm sick and will check back in on me AND speaks English. I love Andrea.

Um, so, I put that DCB Banner in my footer because I think it looks cool. I know, it's a myspace thing. Go listen to 'em. I think they're pretty cool.

In other news? Today is the start of Bairam, one of the Muslim holidays. My host dad called me and I was all... uhhhh errmmm hhuhhh? So I'll probably call them back later. I was way out of it.

Anything else? Yeah, last night I read these verses from Matthew 5: 21-24

"You have heard that it was said to an older generation, 'Do not murder,' and
'whoever murders will be subjected to judgment.' But I say to you that anyone
who is angry with a brother will be subjected to judgment. And whoever insults a
brother will be brought before the council, and whoever says 'Fool' will be sent
to fiery hell. So then, if you bring your gift to the altar and there remember
that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of
the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother and then come and present
your gift."

It really hit me, and I did something about it. I think I feel better about that nasty situation.

Hopefully, the nasty situation in my lungs will feel better soon. My stomach is telling me I'm hungry, so I reckon I'll make some soup. Thank GOD for instant soup! Oh, my ear hurts... mommy? Oh, mom, did I ever tell you that that verse freaked me out? aigh (lucia, that's the aieee/haidee sound) I'm spent.

me? a princess? no, a QUEEN!

Um, so it was Becca who took the tiarra pics. This was my Christmas day folks. Is that a look of snobbish indignation? I was a little cranky at that moment. Well, not so much cranky, but perhaps, snobbishly indignant. hmph (please see pic for visual of that sound)

And, I think to Aunt Sally... I will check for peas, but truth be told, with these beds, it's really not gonna make a difference. And relax, I'm not really dying here.

I'm dysfunctionally avoidant? I don't know about that... I've heard I actually like drama ???

(I have deleted that quiz b/c I think it was messing up my site. boo grrr)
I don't know how I feel about this. For one thing, I don't like how it's got that big gap, but I don't know what to do about that. For another thing, the results might be slightly less than scientific because - b/c it's an online quiz? yes, and... - I'm sick as can be and I'm probably not on the optimistic side. My mother, upon hearing my complaints, has decided I have pneumonia and should be medevac'd immediately. I completely agree. wait! maybe it's the bird flu?! Okay, I'm going too far, I know. I know I'm not dying of pneumonia or the bird flu... I'm not even running a fever folks. No, Meggy here is just rotting away on account of a cold, sinus infection, bronchitis, something like that. Given this dreadful winter, the odds of being eliminated from this game we call Peace Corps are still high... it's not too late to catch my death of pneumonia. HEY! STOP calling me a drama queen! okay, you can. Know what else? I've come to terms with being called a princess. I was given a lovely tiarra for Christmas by another volunteer's host brother. This came out of a joke that I was a princess. I adamently opposed this title. I even drank the little bug that died in my beer one day upon hearing others solemly swear that if I drank it, I wouldn't be called that again. It only half worked. But Mladen, the host brother, accepted that I was not a princess, but a queen. Thus the lovely tiara... by the way, who has a picture of that? Becca? What am I rambling? My ear hurts. and my throat, my chest, my back, my head, my neck. i want a massage. will you rub my feet. mommy, tickle my back. wah wah wah... somebody call the waaaahhhmbulance... please check to see that I haven't died... if you love me...

my neighborhood

or, na Razlogshki, maawa (it should be pronounced mahala, but since one of the signs left of the 'x' I figure it legitimately doesn't belong, since this is a totally dialectally embracing blog)...


Things get damaged/ Things get broken/I thought we'd manage/But words left unspoken/Left us so brittle/There was so little left to give/I pray you learn to trust/Have faith in both of us/And keep room in your hearts for two. (Depeche Mode Precious).


In random news... There's a possibility I'll have company this weekend... It's still cold outside, but this living out of one room thing seems to suit me. We'll see how that works when school starts back. Okay, I'm back to my favorite diet of breakfast biscuits and nutella, but I haven't got any of either, so I'm out to buy some of that for the first time today. And guess what, since it's dark out side and my coat is on the long side, I'm going out in these sweat pants!! HAHAHAHA TAKE THAT Bulgaria!

More Kukeri Pics

"Look at all those movie stars
They're all so beautiful and clean
When the housemaids scrub the floors
They get the spaces in between"
-- Weezer, "Beverly Hills"

...cultural thoughts continued

Well, I'm proud to announce Meggy's first pajama day of the year 2006! Motivated (or should I say unmotivated) largely because of the intense pain of er... womanly obligations, and the complete lack of change in the the light outside, I will not be getting dressed today. It's just as overcast and grim outside as it was when I woke up at 7am, then again at 9am, then again at 11am. Yuck. What's the point really?

In other news, I miss home. What? That's not news? Well, here's the deal. Bulgaria is ucky and wet and cold. The dogs here are not mine. The homes here are not warm and cozy. This couch I'm sleeping on is not mine. I miss my family. I miss central heat. I miss sitting in a Starbucks in my church waiting for something and playing on the wireless internet connection made possible by technology. I miss soy lates w/ shots of amaretto. Okay, enough said.

On the other hand, Bulgarland has opened my eyes to new perspectives. I've learned a lot about culture, cultural identities, quirks, and a bunch of stuff that makes communities and cultures cool as all get out.

My holidays incorporated a few different Bulgarian cultural experiences. First was Christmas Eve. That morning, my host mom and I got ready. Keep in mind, she's had about 3 hours sleep after working at a bakery until 6am. We make our rounds about the neighborhood picking up stuff and different homes. We get to the restaurant and begin organizing, labeling, filling, and combining these bags. What are they for? My host mom is in charge of a project to deliver presents to some local orphans and kids who've only got one parent. She arranged a Santa Claus, got the gifts, arranged the delivery car. My host mom doesn't even celebrate Christmas! I was just astounded by her selflessness. On a few hours sleep she busts her butt to make sure these kids in need have a bit of cheer. She, like my own mother, never ceases to amaze me by her drive to serve others, regardless of her own emotional or physical needs.

The evening was full of food. I went to the home of Ned's host family, where we had baklava and red wine with 'lemonade' (yellow fizzy junk). I then went to Becca's host family's house. Everyone was at work (at a Muslim-family run bakery preparing baklava and lucky-charmed filled bread for the Christians), except us and the three teenage girls. So we boiled up some potatoes. Not long after the potatoes got to cooking, Ati came home. In ten minutes she had a big ole spread on the table and we commenced celebrating "buhdna vecher" (Christmas Eve). We had red wine, lucky-charm bread (the luck fell on my host sister Gyulchen, so she's set for the year), baklava, potatoes, more potatoes, random bulgo side items... It was a family event. But it struck me with a distinct strangeness. These people weren't my family and they weren't even Christian. All of this was done because of the two random girls that had come into their lives. I was so overcome by the family atmosphere and the gaping hole left with the absence of my real family, that I went in front of the woodstove and quietly cried in self pity. My host cousin, one of the most sensitive girls I've ever met, and a person who for some reason unbeknownst to me, seems to quietly adore me, came up to me and tried to comfort me. Well, that didn't help. So we laid down on the floor and I quietly sobbed as my little cousin did what she knows I love best, she played gently with my hair.

The next day, Christmas day, was filled with activity. I went to a protestant church service. I went for a "short visit" to deliver a small gift to another host family. I, with Rebecca, was guilted into staying for lunch. Several hours later lunch was over and Rebecca and I, plus one, went to our next ghosti, very tardy. On the way, we called Ned and invited him along. We had fruit and dessert (Thank GOD no more baklava, eek!) and sang Christmas carols in English and Bulgarian. Sometime after 6pm I finally went back to my host family's home.

during the time in Krichim, I uncovered a couple of things. I guess I've known them all along, but just needed a gentle reminding. First, some people are made to love relentlessly, like our host families, particularly mine and Rebecca's - embracing this holiday that isn't even theirs to make us feel special. Second, there are some friends who will enter your life, and mark it permanently. Sometimes, they come in quick bursts of passion and then leave just as passionately (just fyi: the bulgos are not accustomed to public confrontations, particularly indoors and notfamily conflicts). Other times people slowly come into your life. Over the months you earn each other's trust and learn to depend of them for laughs and bits of honesty.



Kay, so, let's skip to New Years. New Year's Eve was pretty quiet. I cooked "teleshko shol," basically a beef roast, with potatoes and onions and carrots in my new crock pot. Props to meggy for her first ever roast! A couple of other PCVs were going to come out, but they ran short on the fundage, so it ended up me, Rebecca, my two host sisters, and a bulgo friend of mine. A bit before midnight, we made our way down to the center. About five minutes before midnight the center was enveloped in nearly fatal little fire crackers. For the next 25 minutes, the Bulgarians (aided I'm sure by an evenings worth of alcohol consumption) tried to kill both us and them. They then broke out in a wild horro, of course with the random firecracker thrown in for fun. Rebecca and I played the bench for that one. Eventually, we walked Katya, my bulgarfriend, home and drug ourselves back to my disaster of an apartment to crash. I had to turn down an invitation to disco, claiming that my host sisters were tired but really, I knew I would not make it till 5 or 6 am.

New Years Day: the wildest thing I've ever seen in my life. Really. I can't think of anything cooler that I have ever experienced. I'm trying here.... nope, nothing. It was so cool that I just want to refer you to John Mayer's song "3x5" and tell you to find out for yourselves. I can't explain it. I can only explain how it made me feel. I was so proud to be a part of this town that for hundreds of years, probably nigh on a millennia, has maintained their traditions. They have treasured and passed on their legends. They instill their children with their heritage. Yeah, it seems pretty strange to see men dressed as women, boys dressed as bears, men and boys dressed as fictional evil fighting creatures. It was breathtaking to see the Macedonian dress that Alexander must have seen. This region has been able to maintain it's heritage. It's something beautiful. But they have changed with the times. These people are aware that the world is changing around them. The see Bansko only a few chiwa (razlogshki for kilos)-meters from here and the damage of the European invasion. They see the cultural void that westernism is bringing upon Bulgaria. They want to be a part of the growing economy with out losing what makes them so fabulously unique. I say, keep your crazy "backward" dialect, keep your "weird" festivals, keep telling stories of how Gotse Delchev fought off the enemy, and Yanne Sandanski slept in your cousin's father-in-law's mother's mother-in-law's spare bed. Keep yourself unique. It's better to be "backward" -an incredibly unprovable and relative idea- than to be conformed.

meggi's cultural adventures and understandings

I've recently been thinking a lot about culture and stereotypes, the way we perceive other cultural traditions and norms, and the judgments we make based on those observations. This was spawned by three events in particular. The first being my little exchange about the confederate flag, the second being the New Years day events I was able to participate in here in Razlog, and the third was a movie I recently watched.

There have been many times when living in the South was not something of which I was proud. There are scores of shameful things in the history of the South. But some of those tragically embarrassing events have made the South a stronger, braver people.

It's true that Southerners are unique. Some people look at this unique region and see only the bits of it's heritage upon which they can look down their noses in scorn. I have been in enough places to know that economic and social isolation of a culture bring out behaviors, habits, and social norms that another culture might consider backward. Who is wrong? Them for being 'backward' (which is a relative term, isn't it?) or us for our inability to accept their cultural heritage and understand the ingrained and perhaps hidden reasoning behind it? I do not think it takes a degree in anthropology (I dare say it may not help at all) to see that each culture and subculture develops out of it's history. To see the beauty in the growth. To see the pride of survival. To understand that not all members of a culture agree with the foulest members.

I recently watched Cold Mountain for the first time. There are a lot of Civil War movies. Many of those movies show the brutality of the whole war without playing up either side. In any war flick, the most effective approach of evoking emotion is to show the humanness, the pain and loss not of the soldier, but of the human. For example, Pearl Harbor, The Patriot, Gone with the Wind, and of course, the scene in Legends of the Fall were Brad Pitt's character curses God as his brother dies a terrible death at the hands of the first World War. Cold Mountain brilliantly depicts the human pain and loss that are an intrinsic part of war. More than that, it shows how our trials make us stronger, more capable people. Ruby, Renee Zellweger's character says, "This whole situation is man's bullshit... They call this war a cloud over the land. But they made the weather and then they stand in the rain and say, "Shit, it's raining!" At another point in the film, Nicole Kidman's character says, "What we have lost will never be returned to us. The land will not heal - too much blood. All we can do is learn from the past and make peace with it." We get ourselves into situations that effect us and everyone around us, then we complain about them. Thank God for the people who understand that the mistake is to learn nothing, to grow no stronger, or braver, or wiser. I thank God for those people in my life who remind me that the lesson is in the journey.

I will always be proud of who I am and where I was raised. I spent the first thirteen years of my life in the most "backward" part of America I've ever been in - and I've been in a few places. Northern California, while astoundingly beautiful, is not a very culturally or economically progressive region. It suffers from regional isolation and a weak economy. Unemployment, cost of living, and violent and sexual assault rates are generally a bit high there. But I'm proud of the heritage I have there. I'm proud to know that I'm the fifth generation in my father's family to be born in one little town. Those decades have built a legacy that my name will carry with me for years to come.

As much as I feel connected to Northern California, I also feel myself a part of the South. I have lived in Middle Tennessee nearly half of my life. I've lived there long enough to see it's beauty and it's faults. Spend some time in Nashville and you'll see the consequences of the most dangerous human emotion, complacency. Sure, you'll see hate, jealousy, and racism, but I'm convinced complacency is Nashville's biggest problem. You will also experience a Homeric sense of hospitality, a tendency to feel and give and give warmth under even the most trying times, and an undying, unyielding, and perhaps too rarely questioning faith. Southerners have a perhaps naive faith in many things, from weather reporters to politician, from their church to The Church, that UT will win and Vandy will lose, or vice versa. Sometimes it is based on experience, more often it's based on blind and unrealistic hope. But Southerner's have learned to grasp onto faith. Centuries of misery beyond reason have caused them to find something to which they can cling.

History shapes the future, furthermore, history shapes today. A culture, like a person, is shaped and defined by it's history. We may fight against what we once were, or have grown from it, or have become debilitated by it, but in any case, it has shaped us. What we say, the choices we make, the laws we create, the literature we write, the verses we sing, the way we dress, the sounds that slip off of our tongues, our idioms and idiosyncrasies, or perspectives and prejudices, for better or worse everything that shapes our individual and cultural identities is molded by our histories. I'm proud of who I am, so I must accept where I've been as an individual and as a member of a culture.

Yes, I know I left out the whole bit about Razlog, it's on the way... To be continued...

Hollaa!!!!

This was my first attempt at the country quiz and I couldn't have asked for a better country, execpt perhaps Bulgaria. I think it's pretty accurate, except (again) for the sex part-- still not true! BAH! However, I can cook a good meal, and yes, even good enough to make people cry (try Thanksgiving dinner folks, unGodly far from home... and have you had my spaghetti sauce?

You're Thailand!

Calmer and more staunchly independent than almost all those around you,
you have a long history of rising above adversity.  Recent adversity has led to
questions about your sexual promiscuity and the threat of disease, but you still manage
to attract a number of tourists and admirers.  And despite any setbacks, you can
really cook a good meal whenever it's called for.  Good enough to make people
cry.


Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

Nothing better to do

So, I'm chilling in the PC office with Becca. Apparently, most of the staff is still on New Years holiday. So we're taking online quizes. Here's a new result... and btw, I don't sleep with as many people as possible. But this is a good book!

You're Love in the Time of Cholera!

by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Like Odysseus in a work of Homer, you demonstrate undying loyalty by
sleeping with as many people as you possibly can. But in your heart you never give
consent! This creates a strange quandary of what love really means to you. On the
one hand, you've loved the same person your whole life, but on the other, your actions
barely speak to this fact. Whatever you do, stick to bottled water. The other stuff
could get you killed.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

PROUD TO BE A SOUTHERN STATE

I just wanna say that I got Tennessee on my first try! It might have something to do with the fact I admitted to liking words with multiple double letters (figuring that'd get me either Tennessee or Mississippi) and declared Elvis Presely a bigger musician than Michael Jackson (I'm pretty sure that locked it in). Oh, and I like the Gore bash in there...

PROUD TO BE TENNESSEE!!
please beware, deep post about my southerness coming in the the next few days...

You're Tennessee!

A vibrantly musical individual, you probably know how to play multiple
instruments. At the heart of your love for music is the guitar, though you have a soft
spot for violins, which you refuse to call anything but fiddles. Fiddlesticks aside,
you are very thin and have excellent posture. If you ever run for elected office, you
won't even be able to get your hometown to support you. I guess that's why they call it
the blues.


Take the State Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.