some snow pics

A close up of the bench.


This is the before picture of the veiw from my bedroom window. Notice the bench.



Same view from my bedroom window. What happened to the bench? I don't know... Could it be burried under all that snow?

The temperature is just above freezing today. It doesn't
feel any warmer, but the ice and snow is starting to melt now, so it must be a bit warmer.

Well, I've had my first white Thanksgiving.

After

So, this is the same view, but on Wednesday morning! Whoa! I've never seen this much snow before Thanksgiving!

This was the snow on Saturday morning. Later, I'll load the pictures of this morning and then, pictures of this afternoon. I've been told that it snowed all night, and it hasn't stopped in the two hours I've been up. EEK! I hope my holiday guests can make it alright!

My Own Winter Wonderland (yeah, i'm wonderin' how I'm going to last a winter that is 6 months long!)

I woke up this morning really tired and a bit late.  Thank God Wednesdays are my late mornings.  I don’t have class today until 10:35.  Last night I was VERY cold.  I had been out in town shopping, and it started to snow.  This is snow on top of the layer of ice on the ground.  I went home, cooked, turned on my heater, and started a load of laundry (this has been avoided for quite some time because the clothes have to be wrung out, and that is a very cold process these days).  About 9:30, my power went out.  My first thought: “I’m going to freeze of hypothermia and no one will notice I’m dead until next spring when I start to melt and smell awful.”  Then I thought to check if other places have power.  Hm, the neighbors downstairs had their lights on.  At that point I realized that I had blown the circuit.  I went downstairs and made my dyado landlord get out of bed.  I felt SO badly.  I checked the fuses, found the one that was bad (I do not like these old school fuses.  Why can’t I just flip a switch and everything is happy again?) and took it to Dyado Pesho.  We worked together on a series of solutions and after an hour, we were both able to go back to rest.  The details are for another episode of “Razlogshki Ingenuity.”  All that is to say, that well, I don’t know why I’m telling you that.  

So when I woke up this morning, I found a FOOT of snow on the ground.  A foot!  At least.  Last night, before the fuse incident, I was sitting with my Baba and Dyado, eating pallachinki and Ruska Salata, and being reminded of how cold it gets here.  “Snow up to here” (as he points to his chest).  He proceeds to tell me that in winter, that it stays around -20 C, and folks can’t go to school or work because of the snow.  “Stiga be,” I say and laugh.  He’s got to be pulling my leg right?  Well, after this morning, I may believe him.  It hasn’t gotten above freezing since Friday night.  A little bit of the snow and ice we’ve accumulated (which even I could say wasn’t much) began to melt yesterday afternoon when we had several consecutive hours of very bright clouds.  (Bright enough that you can see where the sun should be.  

Well, I guess I’ll load up some pictures and get ready for school.  I reckon some one would call me if there wasn’t school.  And here, where the snow comes to here (I’m pointing to my chest), what’s a foot of snow anyway?  Oh, I think I just realized why all the girls tuck their pants into their boots.  What if my legs and pants can’t both fit into my boots??  Oh, POOR MEGI!

Beauty and Busrides, God and Elvis, Smog and Truth

So, my mommy dear sent me a pretty fun package. It included a book I’d been requesting. Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. I love the fact that I can download sermons from Mars Hill and get deeply honest, personal, and intelligent insights into the Bible, community, and Christian life. Well, one sermon addressed the issues that the recent release of his book had brought up. So, of course, I had to find out more! If you check out this book at Amazon.com you will find a great debate! People are outraged over this book. Christians are outraged over this book. GOTTA HAVE IT!

So now I’ve got this book. I can hardly put it down. I have a big break on Fridays now; second through fourth periods are free. Normally I go home and piddle around. I stayed at school and read all day! This book is great! I HIGHLY recommend it, especially if you are mad at Christians for any reason. Oh, and while you’re at it, read Blue Like Jazz by Don Miller.

So, a little bit of commentary on my new favorite book. Bell talks about how God is the ultimate reality. We don’t “take God” to the “unreached peoples.” God doesn’t “show up” in a moment of really great worship. He was already there. “I am.” “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God” (John 1:1 NIV). If God is the ultimate reality, the ultimate real-ness, to be redundant, then He is the ultimate Truth. So, vice versa, if something is True is it God? I don’t mean to get all wacky new age-y here. Bell argues that there is more to Truth than the Bible, but does not take away from the True-ness of the Bible. I think this is why people are hot over this book.

I think it’s incredibly refreshing! Please read the book and let me know what you think! If you are irritated by my horrible revision of this difficult subject: sorry ‘bout it! That’s why I didn’t write the book! (and I didn’t think of it, and I’m not so much a “writer,” and…)

So, I had just finished reading a bit about having these moments that are beyond words. I walked out into the hallway because my class was supposed to start soon. I looked out the window. The fog, by 2:00 had finally lifted a bit and I was able to see the mountains. They are absolutely covered in snow. The clouds still covered the peaks of the mountains. There was one spot where the clouds had opened up and the sun poured through. I don’t know why exactly, but seeing the sun pour through the clouds and with the right amount of smog and pollution, I always feel like God is sending down a bit of a hug.

There was one bus trip over the summer when I felt particularly dejected. I think I actually wanted to feel miserable. There were patches of clouds all through the sky. I just sat next to the window and watched the farms rolled by. I think I was having a conversation about the most beautiful sights I’d ever seen. I couldn’t think of any one most beautiful moment. I said, look out side. Today, that is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. That kiss from God. That hug that reminds me that I am loved and warmed (okay, I probably didn’t say that because it was summer, but it’s cold now and I need warming) and held. That is a present from God and it is Beauty. If you believe in that kinda thing… ; P

True love is... like gold to airy thinness beat

A VALEDICTION: FORBIDDING MOURNING
by John Donne


As virtuous men pass mildly away,
   And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say,
   "Now his breath goes," and some say, "No."

So let us melt, and make no noise,
   No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move ;
'Twere profanation of our joys
   To tell the laity our love.

Moving of th' earth brings harms and fears ;
   Men reckon what it did, and meant ;
But trepidation of the spheres,
   Though greater far, is innocent.

Dull sublunary lovers' love
   -Whose soul is sense- cannot admit
Of absence, 'cause it doth remove
   The thing which elemented it.

But we by a love so much refined,
   That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assured of the mind,
   Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
   Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
   Like gold to aery thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so
   As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
   To move, but doth, if th' other do.

And though it in the centre sit,
   Yet, when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
   And grows erect, as that comes home.

Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
   Like th' other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
   And makes me end where I begun.

I thought this would be an appropriate post because it's thanksgiving season and I wanted to express my thankfulness for everyone who keeps me grounded, for those people in my life that keep my circle just. I know one day I will end where I begun…  Perhaps that is not a physical place, but a state.

I know this is not an appropriate poem because it is the most beautifully romantic and loving poem, and well, that's not exactly the place I am at these days. But this poem has a story...

I fell in love with poetry twice. Once in a class I hated high school. My senior AP English class. I spent most of my time messing around with a friend who, like me was disappointed in this class. Occasionally I would enter into the discussions our teacher had planned out for us. My favorite part of this class was Perrine. Perrine's Sound and Sense  Every day we quickly discussed two poems from this little poetry reader. All of these years later, Perrine is with me on the other side of the world. My ratty little book opens directly to page 75. This page has more writing than any other page. This is poem 55: "A Valediction: Forbidding Morning"

I fell in love with poetry twice. Again in college. My degree is in English, so I've read and studied a few poems. I don't claim to be the most well read, or even well read at all. I knew how to play the college system effectively. I attended one of my favorite college classes the first semester of my junior year. It was my first year back "in town" at the local state school I swore I was above only a few years before. "Fairy tales, folk tales, and ancient children's literature" There was this little Asian girl in my class that looked awfully familiar to me. After a few classes, we realized that we had been in V.Smith's AP Senior English class together. She loved Vicki's class. Vicki helped me to realize I could be a teacher, if she could. I mean that in the nicest way. She didn't really teach that much, but she had the biggest heart. I don't want to take away from what she's done for kids in our area who don't have a lot of hope..She tries to help young people see their God-given potential. But that's not what I needed. I needed literature. I needed poetry. I did not need to know that I had a purpose. I knew that.

Anyway. That little Asian girl became my best friend. Two years out high school. I had dissolved all of my friendships at home and started a life six hours away. Then God pulled me out of that life and sent me back home. That class taught me the value of stories that go beyond culture, the deeper nature of all stories, and the epic nature of life for children and adults. That class matched me with the young woman who would support me in some of my most dire moments. We helped each other cope with crazy English professors. She helped me to love the Romantics. We always had a way of sharing some insight into life lit by a poet, novel, or song or Scripture by which we'd recently been enlightened.  Together we fell in love with the archetypal princess who must be rescued from eminent danger. She is my princess.

We've not always been there for each other. She's been on the other side of the world when I needed her. I had to face the fear of watching a Harry Potter movie alone because my Sister was in London. But when we get together we are one hundred percent there for each other. Unless she's off in lalaland somewhere, in which case I can kindly say, "Pay attention to me please" and she does.

No, we've not always been there for each other. I am in Bulgaria. I have needed her shoulder много пъти. Now, she is facing the hardest time of her life and I am here, in Bulgaria. Darling, please know that "Our two souls therefore, which are one,/ Though I must go, endure not yet/ a breach, but an expansion,/ Like gold to aery thinness beat." I love you and am so thankful for all the times you've been my "fixed foot." I am mourning with you and crying for your aching heart. Be reminded: Psalm 139.    

Hm, my life doesn't rate so well...

I promise, I answered all the questions honestly, even a bit optimistically. I don't know what happened. Okay, so I don't exercise every day. But I read literature. Whatever, they don't know what they're talking about.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6.2
Mind:	5.9
Body:	7
Spirit:	8.3
Friends/Family:	4
Love:	0.8
Finance:	7.1
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Melting into Winter

Things happen so quickly here.  It seems like it was just summer.  Now the corn fields are bare and frozen over.  The trees have lost most of their leaves.  Winter.  I am ready.

Spring turned to summer and I found out who my family is.  I learned who of my Bulgarian and American friends here would become my support, comfort, and love.  I learned where and how I could find little bits of ‘home.’  

Summer turned to fall and I fell.  I fell into a strange place of loneliness and longing.  I was bored and unsatisfied.  In me had opened up a gaping hole of desire for anything I did not have.  Achieving bits of satisfaction only whetted my appetite.  

Fall is beginning to freeze over.  Now I have little fear of winter.  I was petrified that I would be so lonely this winter.  I was unable to see the love around me in my town.  I’m getting there.  

This culture is different from American culture of course, but also from the cultural temperature of other towns in Bulgaria.  At first I thought no one here really cared.  I thought my only source of love for the next two years would be from other PCVs and my family in Krichim.  I am slowly seeing the love these folks have for me.  Perhaps I have to ask, invite myself, or enter into some emotional drama, but it’s there.  In my culture, the honor is on the opposite side:  You honor your new neighbor by inviting them to your house or bringing them brownies.  We say, “Welcome to the neighborhood.”  Here, I honor my neighbors by inviting myself.  I demand welcoming by baking strange things they’ve never seen before.  Here it is my responsibility.  The burden is on me.  Why shouldn’t it be?  These people have friends, family and good neighbors to take care of.  Who am I to think I could just walk in and be loved?  I’ll have to earn it.  And slowly (бавно по бавно) I am.  

The Power of One

They say one is the loneliest number.  In math, one doesn’t usually change anything, when it does, it’s just a little bit.  I think that one is a pretty amazing number though.  

My town isn’t very integrated, in fact, the Roma aren’t even a part of the town.  There aren’t many ethnic Turks in my town.  We have another not so ethnic minority.  They’re called Pomatsi.  I’m not sure if that’s derogatory or not.  I’ve only heard them referred to in one other way that I am sure was derogatory.  These are ethnic Bulgarians who have converted to Islam.  This is the only group that stands out as separate.  But they seem to get along fine.

I recently had a heavy discussion in my eighth grade class.  Our text book had a lesson on the simple past using the story of Steve Biko, the South African man who died fighting the Apartheid system.  We talked a bit about racism.  This is difficult with my students because their English is pretty limited.  Most of it was done with my best student translating the opinions of other students.  We talked about racism in America.  I asked if something like Apartheid still exists in the world.  One of my bright students, who will try to say anything, even when he doesn’t know the English, said it still does here, gori dowo (so-so).  “Pepi, what do you mean?”  I asked.  He proceeds to talk about how the Bulgarians and the Romi do everything separately here.  But he goes on to say that this is because the Romi think differently.  “All of them?” I ask.  Pepi tells me that no, not all of them, “Vish, tia e stabilno momiche.”  Pepi points across the room to the 17 year old girl sitting quietly at her desk.  She wears a pink corduroy jacket and a shy smile everyday.  She is the only Roma student I have.  I believe there are very few others in my school.  (It is an “elite” school, so we have students from out of our “zoning” who study English, and students from within our “zoning” who study normally.  As we don’t have Romi in our zone, so they’d have to pass an English language test to study with us).  Pepi seems to think that this one Roma girl is stable.  He goes on to talk about how most of “them” don’t want to study, they just want to fight, it’s better that they are outside of town…  

All I could do was emphasize their acceptance that this is not true for all Romi.  In many schools across this country, the example is the opposite.  I can’t say whose fault it is.  Is someone holding these people down?  The government, the ethnic Bulgarians, the school system, themselves?  Yup.  All of the above.  I am just grateful that these 25 Bulgarian 13 year olds see this One 17 year old working diligently to learn English so she can make something of her life.  

How many times in our lives has one made a difference?  It only takes One bad apple, right?  One first impression.  One time you hurt me and I cut you out of my life.  One picture is worth a thousand words.  One person can make or break a stereotype.  One student who listens makes it worth the rest of the disruptions.  We all have the One good teacher who shaped our academic destinies, in a good or a bad way.  Of course, there’s the example of Jesus!  He is the One person who has most significantly impacted human history, even if you don’t believe in what we Christians say about him.  And if you do believe us, he is the One person who opened up the gates of heaven for the world.  

Yeah, we’ve got to have faith in the One.  

"If" by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Today's Song, or parts of it

Some times a day is best summarized in someone else’s words.  Today is one of those days.  I greatly identify with songs.  Someone else, at some time has felt exactly, or very nearly exactly, as I do right now.  That God some of those people write down what they feel.  Other people write down exactly how it is I want to feel.  I love Jennifer Knapp’s songs because they are so deeply authentic.  Today, this is my song.  For when I don’t have the energy to make words out of my feelings, there’s always a song…

Jennifer Knapp  “Into You”

she’s a wanna be hero
yeah she tries to be strong
at the end of the hour
you find out the tower ain’t standing so tall
It’s a real hard thing
to show your weakness
If anyone can love you I know my King does

I wanna know you
better than I do
relieve me from myself, bring me into you
i wanna know you
better than I do
Oh relieve me, lead me, bring me
Bring me into
Your Holiness
Your Kingdom
Your righteousness
My freedom

she’s an easy scare
she’s a simple bluff
she’s a timid girl
she’s in love

I want to know you
better than I do
relieve me from myself
bring me into you
i wanna know you
better than I do
Oh relieve me, lead me, bring me
Bring me into you

The State of my Soul ...as if i really understood it

My head is full of thoughts today.  I have too much to do to be thinking!  

Some where in my soul, I desire loneliness.  I know this is incredibly strange.  I fight loneliness with most of my being.  

I hung my laundry out to dry this morning.  The sun was shining on my back in such a way that one could easily forget winter has already fallen upon us.  It occurred to me that I am in a state of needing things I do not desire.  Perhaps the opposite is true as well.  Perhaps I am desiring things I do not need.  This is the explanation for my longing for loneliness.  My soul knows what it is that I need and plants a small desire for that thing, this loneliness, in so deep a place that no matter how I dig and uproot my insides, I cannot remove that desire.  

Why in God’s name would any person’s soul desire loneliness.  It is when we are least distracted that God can truly speak to us.  I have been more alone these last four months than at any point in my life.  I have learned so much about myself.  I have grown intensely, despaired profoundly, and wept deeply.  All of these things I have done partly to answer the desire of my soul and partly to fight it.  

How can you cause me the deepest pain at this point in my journey?  Tell me about your friends, about your good times, about your loves.  Funny how the one thing you want to feel the most, you cannot, but it seems everyone around you does.  I understand that God is using these days to teach me something that will prepare me to be a woman better, stronger, and more useful to him.  Unfortunately, and while I know it should, that does not make the process any easier for me.  Further more, I feel myself asking the question, “God, why is it so important that I accept and learn to thrive in a state of being so alone?”  That is a question which may have very frightening answers; answers I am undoubtedly not ready to hear.  

So we are back to questions again.  My summer and fall of loving questions have apparently slipped into a winter with more of the same.  

It occurs to me that most of this blog is comprised of long and windy complaints and ramblings concerning my own discontent.  You may wonder if it is possible that I be contented.  You are not alone; I frequently ask myself if I am flawed in such a way that my own discontentedness is too far lodged into the pattern of me to be removed or retrained.  Don’t worry, though.  I have plenty of spots of joy.  This loneliness, while it is weighing and trying, does not consume my joy.  There is a tremendous amount of joy to be reaped here.  I live in a beautiful town.  I teach generally well behaved, motivated students.  I work at a relatively efficiently organized school with high standards for its English-studying students.  I do not, however, feel loved here.  And perhaps, that is the deepest burden on my soul.  I know!  I should learn to rest in the Love that, while slightly removed, is much deeper and stronger.  I’m working on that.

I Am a Friend of God

It’s a funny thing...  well, I use funny because I don't know the right word.  I got all this music from my Church right.  I don't have any resolution to my worries.  But I don't mind not thinking about them.  The funny thing is in looking away.  Looking away: a pure type of avoidance; taking a few extra minutes each day, to not think about me, but to be with God. Not petitioning, not even conversing.  Just loving.

Then I think about the people who I know are loving him right now too.  I think about my pastor's family who is worshiping unquestioningly a God who at this very moment may be slowly removing their mother/wife from this physical world.  I think about one of our associate pastors and his wife, who have worshipped endlessly as God took his wife from life to death and life again, and through the process of relearning how to live after a debilitating experience.  I think about the group of girls that sit in the middle right section during the second service.  They occupy the first 8 rows at least.  They don't sit, they don't occupy, they do something amazing.  These girls come and they worship in the most pure, unashamed, uninhibited way because they've already seen themselves as impure, ashamed, or inhibited.  These are the Mercy girls.  They are involved in our mission organizations for girls and young women dealing with pregnancy, adoption, abortion, eating disorders, whatever...  These girls have reached spiritual death and will praise God in an incredibly pure way for anyone to see.  Then I, sitting here in my room, hear my song.  So simple, "I Am a Friend of God."
 
Who am I that you are mindful of me
That you hear me when I call
Is true that you are thinking of me
How you love me
It's amazing!
 
I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God, He calls me friend.
 
God almighty Lord of Glory
You have called me friend
     (“I Am a Friend of God” by Israel Houghton)
 
This song is my anthem.  This is my tough time default song.  This is what I hum when I'm desperately sad.  At some points during the summer, singing this was my only source of Joy.  It is truly amazing how turning your face to God, no matter how filthy, sad, or dark your soul feels, turning your face to God will make not only your face shine, but your whole spirit.  I can understand how, after spending time in the presence of God, Moses came down from the mountain with a face glowing.  When you have been in the presence of God, what else matters?  Not my silly worries!