My head is full of thoughts today. I have too much to do to be thinking!
Some where in my soul, I desire loneliness. I know this is incredibly strange. I fight loneliness with most of my being.
I hung my laundry out to dry this morning. The sun was shining on my back in such a way that one could easily forget winter has already fallen upon us. It occurred to me that I am in a state of needing things I do not desire. Perhaps the opposite is true as well. Perhaps I am desiring things I do not need. This is the explanation for my longing for loneliness. My soul knows what it is that I need and plants a small desire for that thing, this loneliness, in so deep a place that no matter how I dig and uproot my insides, I cannot remove that desire.
Why in God’s name would any person’s soul desire loneliness. It is when we are least distracted that God can truly speak to us. I have been more alone these last four months than at any point in my life. I have learned so much about myself. I have grown intensely, despaired profoundly, and wept deeply. All of these things I have done partly to answer the desire of my soul and partly to fight it.
How can you cause me the deepest pain at this point in my journey? Tell me about your friends, about your good times, about your loves. Funny how the one thing you want to feel the most, you cannot, but it seems everyone around you does. I understand that God is using these days to teach me something that will prepare me to be a woman better, stronger, and more useful to him. Unfortunately, and while I know it should, that does not make the process any easier for me. Further more, I feel myself asking the question, “God, why is it so important that I accept and learn to thrive in a state of being so alone?” That is a question which may have very frightening answers; answers I am undoubtedly not ready to hear.
So we are back to questions again. My summer and fall of loving questions have apparently slipped into a winter with more of the same.
It occurs to me that most of this blog is comprised of long and windy complaints and ramblings concerning my own discontent. You may wonder if it is possible that I be contented. You are not alone; I frequently ask myself if I am flawed in such a way that my own discontentedness is too far lodged into the pattern of me to be removed or retrained. Don’t worry, though. I have plenty of spots of joy. This loneliness, while it is weighing and trying, does not consume my joy. There is a tremendous amount of joy to be reaped here. I live in a beautiful town. I teach generally well behaved, motivated students. I work at a relatively efficiently organized school with high standards for its English-studying students. I do not, however, feel loved here. And perhaps, that is the deepest burden on my soul. I know! I should learn to rest in the Love that, while slightly removed, is much deeper and stronger. I’m working on that.
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