Melting into Winter

Things happen so quickly here.  It seems like it was just summer.  Now the corn fields are bare and frozen over.  The trees have lost most of their leaves.  Winter.  I am ready.

Spring turned to summer and I found out who my family is.  I learned who of my Bulgarian and American friends here would become my support, comfort, and love.  I learned where and how I could find little bits of ‘home.’  

Summer turned to fall and I fell.  I fell into a strange place of loneliness and longing.  I was bored and unsatisfied.  In me had opened up a gaping hole of desire for anything I did not have.  Achieving bits of satisfaction only whetted my appetite.  

Fall is beginning to freeze over.  Now I have little fear of winter.  I was petrified that I would be so lonely this winter.  I was unable to see the love around me in my town.  I’m getting there.  

This culture is different from American culture of course, but also from the cultural temperature of other towns in Bulgaria.  At first I thought no one here really cared.  I thought my only source of love for the next two years would be from other PCVs and my family in Krichim.  I am slowly seeing the love these folks have for me.  Perhaps I have to ask, invite myself, or enter into some emotional drama, but it’s there.  In my culture, the honor is on the opposite side:  You honor your new neighbor by inviting them to your house or bringing them brownies.  We say, “Welcome to the neighborhood.”  Here, I honor my neighbors by inviting myself.  I demand welcoming by baking strange things they’ve never seen before.  Here it is my responsibility.  The burden is on me.  Why shouldn’t it be?  These people have friends, family and good neighbors to take care of.  Who am I to think I could just walk in and be loved?  I’ll have to earn it.  And slowly (бавно по бавно) I am.