Indignation

Before you start, let me first apologise for writing yet another “It’s been two years and…” or, “Now that I’m getting ready to leave Bulgaria…” themed post. What can I say? It’s where I am right now.

I know I’ve said it before, maybe a few times, but coming to the end of my PC service brings to my mind many questions, specifically about fitting into the spaces where I once before fit. I am beginning to realize that perhaps it was never a proper fit. Maybe those spaces were like clothes: I found a “shirt” I really liked, but it wasn’t quite my size. I squeezed into it, and I pretended it was just right for me, but it wasn’t exactly my size. I think this was my life before, my ideologies, policies, politics, life. I never really questioned the size of my shirt. I simply put it on and wore it. Sometimes you just don’t want to shop, so you find the cheapest store and buy the first thing you can see yourself in. Sometimes you shop in someone else’s favorite store. The fact is that you’ve got to go into every store you can imagine and at least look at what is out there.

Ignorance is a heavy weight which sometimes seems light and easy.

Let’s be honest. I’m going to go home. I’m going to move into my parents’ house. I won’t have a car. I will have no money or job. I have no friendships in town left to speak of. I am quite nervous about going back to my church. My personal theology hasn’t so much changed, but my global theology has. I don’t know if that is a real term, global theology.

My notion of what is God’s absolute truth has definitely and permanently changed. I don’t believe in the same black and white which I once believed.

Imagine God. What color is He? You imagine Him in a color which is on the spectrum. You imagine Him in a color of which you can conceive. What if there are other colors which He has kept hidden from us and He is one of those colors? Like this, I believe is His Truth. Who am I to claim that I understand It?

I don’t think that this kind of theology will be will received at my church.

I’ve done some growing up too. I’m better at asserting myself. I’m better at being alone. I’m less tolerant of lip service. I’m more indignant toward injustice. This is a lethal combination in my southern churchy culture.

I love the South. I love living in the South. But here’s the truth from my eyes. The South, particularly the “church culture” is so two-faced. Sweet in her antipathy. Biting your back with a smile. Godly in every way Jesus was not. I do not relish the idea of being subjected to a culture where I cannot trust people. I want to be around people who seek to understand what is real and what really needs to be DONE. I want to be around people who will not think twice about what must be said. I am so tired and value the moments of my life too much to worry about to whom to pay what lip service. Who will behave most in my favor if I pour honey on my words? Who will I look best standing next to?

There isn’t enough time in the world.