it's just enough to see a shooting star to know you're really never far...

I never really realized how close my family is. It is trite, but distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Do you ever feel like there’s somewhere else you should be, but that you should also be where you are? You are torn between to places, people, and/or situations. PC Bulgaria has been amazing and I would not trade it for anything! But sometimes I felt the most miserable guilt for being here.

My brother graduated high school.
My mom had her ankle reconstructed and was disabled for over three months.
My sister’s good friend died in a car accident.
My best friend’s brother died.
My mom had a tumor scare resulting in a complete hysterectomy.
Two members of our church including a friend to my sister and brother, and a mentor, friend, and guide to my brother were killed in a car accident.

I didn’t realize how much I adore my family until I sob in pain for their loss, not my own. That Eric and Emmy were killed is sad to me in a humanitarian way. “No man is an island entire of its self; every man is a part of the continent, a part of the main. Any man’s death diminishes me because I’m involved in mankind… Ask not for whom the bell tolls… It tolls for thee. Humanity, Christianity, Nashville, Christ Church suffered a great loss that day. It is my brother’s pain that doubles me over in grief. It is knowing that my darling, smiling, cheery boy will grow weak in his knees; his shoulders will shrug in; his chin and lip will tremble as he tries to understand the details. He will go to a quiet place to be alone and cry to the God who he cannot understand. He will want to be alone and untouched for a while. He will come out of the quiet place and want to be with people. He will look to those he is with for hugs, comfort, sympathy, and understanding. It breaks my heart that I won’t be there, more than anything, I wish I were with him, or at least that he were home.

But this is part of growing up, part of life. We learn how to cope, to mourn, to deal, and to move on. Some of us suffer more and earlier. I’ve been so blessed. I’ve never had a close friend or immediate family member die an untimely death.

When I mentioned to my mother that I feel like I’ve missed so much in these two years, she said that Erik and Elayna have been through more in these two years than most kids their age. I can only pray that these losses will help them to grow into better and stronger people.

I sit here in my warm room and cry out asking why. Feeling like a great Wrong is being committed. Of course, I have the faith to say that God works all things for the glory of those that love him. Of course, I believe that in everything there is meaning and Purpose. That doesn’t make it hurt less.

I picked up a book from a friend today called, “We wish to inform you that tomorrow we will be killed with our families” by Phillip Gourevitch. It’s a book of stories about the genocide in Rwanda. I read a few pages in an attempt to distract myself from my own sadness. We cry for our immediate losses, as we should; but why can the world not cry out for the crimes against humanity? An untimely death is tragic. The untimely death of one million souls in a period of 100 days is more than tragic. It’s inconceivable. It’s unimaginable. You can imagine your mother dying and the pain you would feel. Can you even begin to empathize with a person who has lost everyone they know? Maybe everyone (of that ethnic or religious group) they have ever known? This is the answer to the question, “Miss, why must we read these disgusting things?” my students ask as we learn about Rwanda. Wouldn’t you want some one to know? Wouldn’t you want some one to care?

I’m sorry these thoughts are so rambled and inornate. Thanks for reading anyway.