Still Avoiding Work

Still avoiding work…

For fear that some one might stop by my blog and not read Vassi’s great words from a comment, I’m putting some of them out here.  It’s okay to just relax into that…  Darling, I don’t suppose there is any earthly way you could know how aptly your words have been timed!  

Regardless of what happens, don't ever forget that...you're beautiful, no matter what...you're divine, no matter what...and you're perfectly loved, no matter what. You are always held, like a baby, by the Lover of all. It's okay to just relax into that sometimes and let go of everything else outside of you.

I had a bit of a revelation today.

I’ve been looking for a sense of security.  I’ve been searching for safety.  I’ve been longing for promises that can’t be kept.  I’ve been asking questions that can’t be answered.  My theme this summer was to be full in my solitude.  This fall I have been trying to love the questions.  They’ve been Rilke kind of days.  This loving the questions thing, I almost had it down.  Then more questions came up.  Well, isn’t that nice!  

Have you ever felt so intensely in one moment that you are sure nothing could make you doubt those feelings are right and pure and good?  Have you ever had that intensity so abruptly shifted, as if one thing that supported your weight disappeared into thin air and you fall a million miles in one second?  You fall into that deep abyss of questions and fears and worries and insecurities?  You’ve lost the ability to love the distances (another Rilke allusion, see July 13th post for quote).  The distance is the fear?  The abyss is the insecurity?  I’m sure you’ve been there.  

I was there recently.  It hurt so badly and so deeply.  Of course, it started me on an intense journey of questioning.  Why do I need to feel safe?  What will it take to make me feel safe?  Why don’t I feel safe already?  What exactly will provide this security I desire?  It took about 36 hours, maybe less.  I was typing an email expressing my fears and I realized, “Why am I telling you this?  What do I expect you to do for me?”  Oh, I felt like a fool.  The answer had been sitting in front of me.  Had someone else come to me with my own heart, it would not take more than one second to think and say, “You are looking to all the wrong sources for your safety and security.  Don’t you know you can never find the security you desire except through the love of God?  Only God will keep you safe.”  
It is funny how you offer advice to people, and believe it with all of your heart.  But when you need to hear it, you think up a thousand other things to occupy your mind with worry so that you won’t get to the issue.  Well, I got to the issue today.  I’m looking for security and safety in the wrong sources.  I would have thought, after my summer of learning to be alone, and my fall of loving questions, I could start this winter feeling safe, held, and warmed in the hands of God.  

There are no promises in life.  I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I know that the keeper of the world is also the keeper of my destiny and the safety of his plans may include seasons of love, pain, beauty, and loneliness.  But my season is no more than a line in the story of my life, important and possibly altering all lines that follow, but not that large.  I must remind my soul that it is only one line, and the story…  the story has a great ending…

Psalm 42: 5 – Why are you depressed, O my soul?  Why are you upset?  Wait for God!  For I will again give thanks to my God for his saving intervention.  (NET)