I was recently stranded at a bus station with a friend. Why, I do not know, but the opportunity to truly communicate and share my feelings and concerns with a friend whom I know cares was agonizing. I wanted to talk, to share, but the moment was too painful. So I spent most of the time listening and later reflecting. My friend spoke of recognizing his lack of confidence and I began to think about my own level of confidence in different areas of my life. I first realized that my confidence in my ability to creatively thrive in this new town, country, culture is seriously lacking. This is a strange and normal thing. Normal because I have lived most of my life on the mid to low point on the confidence spectrum. Strange because when I began this PC experience my confidence in my abilities, personality, and intellect were quite boosted. Now, as I've been put out alone, I am strangely quite insecure. The worst of it is that I know better, and when I remind myself that I am capable, I feel worse for not feeling better!

Talking with an atheist friend who envied the comfort available from my faith in God, I realized a destructive thought pattern. I confessed to my friend that not only do I not take advantage of that comfort (like many Christians who get caught up in the pride of self-sufficiency), but when I realize my arrogance, I beat myself up for being a 'lousy Christian.' Instead of recognizing my 'error' and moving closer to God, I back farther away into my self-pity. Then I wonder why I do not have a better attitude! This goes back to the self-confidence mess because as a Christian, I cannot be confident in myself apart from my confidence in God. So as I grow farther from Him, I lose faith in myself because I am not daily, hourly being reminded of His faith in me, His creation. By no means do I lose faith in Him as I become weaker, but weakness is from not seeking strength. How tragic that I have yet do not use. How should anyone be attracted to God through me if I do not shine of Him?